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whynotzoidbergZoidberg's Quotes from Futurama
(Seasons 1-4 plus the first half of Season 5 obtained from Futurama Madhouse. The rest (so far) obtained from the Infosphere.)
Season 1
Season 1, Episode 2: The Series Has Landed
Farnsworth: Now, Fry, before you go into space you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you though, he's a little ... unusual. (whispering) He wears sandals!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. The doctor, a red alien, is sat in his chair with his feet on the desk. Behind him is a chart of a human's internal organs - pinned to the wall upside down.]
Fry: Hi--
[He screams.]
Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical.
Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent!
[He clacks his claws. Fry is not so sure.]
Farnsworth: You'll be fine.
[He turns to leave but looks back with a worried look on his face.]
Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and let's have a look at that brain. [Fry opens his mouth.] No, no, no, no, no, not that mouth!
Fry: I only have one.
Zoidberg: Really?
[He takes a small card out of his pocket and looks at it.]
Fry: Uh, is there a human doctor around?
Zoidberg: Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say... [He makes a weird noise. Fry clears his throat and tries to imitate him but fails.] What? My mother was a saint! Get out!
Season 1, Episode 3: I, Roommate
[Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate.]
Hermes: These are mighty tasty!
Zoidberg: Thank you. I made them myself.
[Hermes gags and spits the claws out.]
Season 1, Episode 4: Love's Labors Lost in Space
Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well.
[Amy, Leela and Fry sit down.]
Amy: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realise he actually has a really good body.
Leela: Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is.
Bender: That sounds like a cry for help.
Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes: The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy: Hmm, I'll pick!
Season 1, Episode 5: Fear of a Bot Planet
[Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents and walks to a food stand.]
Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please.
Man: We don't sell those.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll.
Man: We're out of rolls.
Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites.
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. Zoidberg is back with the group eating a hot dog]
Season 1, Episode 6: A Fishful of Dollars
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's.
Fry: What?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it, Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: (defensively) I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So none of you has ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were all salty and oily and they melted in your mouth and--
Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying "One more can't hurt" and then they were gone. We're sorry!
[He holds his claws to his head and hangs it in shame. Fry sighs.]
--
[Enter Zoidberg. He sniffs.]
Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! [He gobbles up the rest of the pizza.] More!
Fry: There aren't any more. And there never will be.
[Zoidberg tips the table over and moves towards Fry, raising his claws.]
Zoidberg: More! More! More! More!
Season 1, Episode 7: My Three Suns
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.
---
Amy: I don't think you have anything to worry about. These people seem really mild-mannered.
Zoidberg: They are mild. In fact, you're soaking in one right now.
---
Merg: Ah, there you are, Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony.
Zoidberg: A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal shell.
---
Amy: We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you!
Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness.
Fry: But won't that crush my bones?
Zoidberg: Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones.
---
Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help.
Bender: Cram it, lobster! [Zoidberg bursts into tears.] That is a good idea. I'll go call her.
---
Fry: What the hell is that?
Bont: Its the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain my juices from you while filtering out the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded remains.
Zoidberg: Of course! Why didn't I think of that!
---
Zoidberg: I'll handle this!
[He tries to block the leak with his claw and eventually gets it under control by forcing one of his mouth flaps into the hole.]
Season 1, Episode 8: My Big Piece of Garbage
[Scene: New New York City Street. People stop and stare into the sky as a hamburger and other pieces of garbage smash through buildings. A fish skeleton falls in front of Zoidberg. He checks to see no one is looking and eats it.]
Season 1, Episode 9: Hell is Other Robots
Hermes: Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you!
[He points at Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Me?
---
Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.
Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.
---
Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler.
Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!
Season 1, Episode 10: A Flight to Remember
~
Season 1, Episode 11: Mars University
~
Season 1, Episode 12: When Aliens Attack
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Zoidberg versus Amy and Leela in a beach volleyball game. Amy passes to Leela and she hits it over the net. It hits Farnsworth on the head and knocks him over. He groans. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth stands up.]
Farnsworth: Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right to you.
[Zoidberg scoffs.]
Zoidberg: I've had it with this game! I'm going for a scuttle!
[He crouches down and scuttles into the water.]
---
[Scene: Seabed. Zoidberg scuttles around the water and happens upon a pile of eight fish skeletons. He starts slurping them.]
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. [A lobster pot traps him.] Help! Help! [He knocks on the trap. Bender wanders by, whistling.] Bender, you gotta spring me. I'll never survive in here; I'm too pretty!
Bender: Alright, alright, I'll bust you out. [He bends the bars and spotlights shine on the pair and alarms beep.] Cheese it!
---
Fry: Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode. If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.
Zoidberg: I could make the costumes.
[He cuts some material with his claw.]
---
Zoidberg: Gracias. [He stands up with his script behind him and walks over to the witness box where Leela is sat.] Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd?
Leela: Sleeping with you.
Zoidberg: Aha!
[He jabs his claw in her fake eye and pulls it off her face. He sniffs it and eats it. Leela leafs through the script in a panic.]
---
Farnsworth: (reading) Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline your offer of marriage. For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over dead.
[He smiles and just stares ahead.]
Zoidberg: (reading; unmoved) My God, he's dead.
Season 1, Episode 13: Fry and the Slurm Factory
[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Bender sits on the examination table and the rest of the staff gather around.]
Zoidberg: I'll have a look, but I remind you, I'm an expert on humans not robots.
[He shines a torch into Fry's eye.]
Fry: I'm not Bender, I'm Fry.
Zoidberg: Really? I though you were the robot.
Fry: Nope. Human.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright, spare me your life story. [He turns to Bender.] Now what seems to be the trouble?
Bender: My tummy hurts and I've been having this burning electrical discharge.
[Zoidberg runs a stethoscope across Bender's casing.]
Zoidberg: Hmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine. [He turns to the rest of the staff.] (muttering) Oh boy. (quietly) I didn't have the heart to tell him: It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside-down by morning.
[He walks off tutting. Amy turns to Bender.]
---
[On the other side of the shop Glurmo watches Hermes look at some worm mugs and Slurm T-shirts. He already wears a worm blernsball cap. The T-shirt sizes range from small to large and also "Mutant" which has four arms. Hermes leaves with his two-armed T-shirt and Zoidberg inquires about a two-armed Hebrew Slurm T-shirt he is wearing.]
Zoidberg: Do you have any that aren't so tight around the thorax?
Glurmo: Yes, over in-- Say, weren't there more people in your group at the start of the tour?
Season 2
Season 2, Episode 1: I Second That Emotion
Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg puts a book down and stands up from the table.]
Zoidberg: (reluctant) Alright, I'm coming.
---
Bender: My God! I'm overcome with ... feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Zoidberg: That's me, baby!
---
Amy: Are you crazy? There's mutants down there! They'll eat you alive.
Zoidberg: They're hideous!
[He screams and clacks his claws at her.]
Season 2, Episode 2: Brannigan Begin Again
~
Season 2, Episode 3: A Head in the Polls
Zoidberg: You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe.
[Amy scoffs.]
Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
Zoidberg: Really? I'd better keep an eye out at the next meeting.
---
[Zoidberg talks with a Neptunian at the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Humans stand.]
Zoidberg: Sure, humans are cute, but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics?
Season 2, Episode 4: Xmas Story
[Hermes and Zoidberg are on the ski lift but it isn't moving.]
Hermes: Jah damnit! We're stuck.
Zoidberg: [shivering] At least you're not cold-blooded!
[He puts a glove over his mouth.]
---
[Zoidberg skis with his feet on one ski and his claws on another. He comes to a stop at the bobsled run. Hermes is in a bobsled car and Fry stands behind him.]
Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!
---
Zoidberg: Huh? What's this? [His card it shaped like a lobster.] A card from my cousin Zoidfarb. [The message reads "Santa "Claws" Cousin Zoidfarb". Zoidberg chuckles.] Instead of "Claus" he writes "Claws"! Now that's humorous. Today's comedians could learn from this card.
---
Fry: I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am.
Zoidberg: So what's the problem? Just get down on your claws and do the apology dance.
[He starts scuttling and singing.]
Fry: So it's left, left, right-- Wait! I have a better idea! I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present. Something so great she'll never want to be unhappy again.
---
Santa: But what about your other co-workers? Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?
Fry: No! I swear!
---
Zoidberg: Amy, this is for you. A set of combs for your beautiful hair.
Amy: Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes.
[She pulls her hat off revealing she is bald.]
Hermes: Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.
[He pulls his hat off. He is also bald.]
Zoidberg: Thank you. These'll come in handy for my new hair. [He pulls his hat off. Amy's and Hermes' hair is grafted to his head.] Finally I look as pretty as I feel!
---
Santa: You've all been very naughty, very naughty indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this is for you.
[He hands Zoidberg a gift.]
Zoidberg: A pogo-stick!
[He giggles and bounces around the room.]
Season 2, Episode 5: Why Must I Be a Crustacean In Love?
This is a very Zoidberg-centric episode and I would end up c/ping most of the script anyway. Script of the episode here.
Season 2, Episode 6: Lesser of Two Evils
Flexo: Hey, Fry, think fast. [He opens his chest cabinet and a gas blasts Fry in the face, making him cough.] Get it? It's chlorine!
[He and Bender laugh and leave. Zoidberg laughs.]
Zoidberg: It's funny because it's poisonous!
Season 2, Episode 7: Put Your Head on my Shoulder
Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money.
Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Puh-lease!
Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous.
---
Zoidberg: You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor.
---
Hermes: (shouting) Fry! Amy! Put your pants back on! I need a stapler.
[He struggles to open the locked door. Zoidberg blocks his way.]
Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad.
---
Fry: Hey, you know who loves secluded picnics with just you and me? [He looks over Amy's shoulder at Leela. She shakes her head.] Uh, Dr. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg, scavenging through a dustbin, looks up.]
Zoidberg: Did someone say something about a free hot meal?
[Scene: Amy, Fry and Zoidberg listen to Scruffy the Cat's Moons of Jupiter as they drive to Europa. They pass the orbiting Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey which has an "Out of Order" note taped to it and drive across the icy surface.]
[Cut to: Amy's Car. Zoidberg eats the contents of the picnic basket.]
Zoidberg: Mmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday! Bird eggs, animal slices ... [He gobbles down the food.] ... dry woven reeds! [He eats the basket.] All gone! Can I drive?
Amy: No. So, Fry, you busy tomorrow? I got two tickets to the big ape fight.
---
Fry: That's it, Amy, we have to talk. Zoidberg, you drive.
Zoidberg: Wahoo!
[Cut to: Outside Amy's Car. The car tips as they change places.]
Fry: (from inside) Pardon me, excuse me.
[Cut to: Amy's Car. Zoidberg is at the wheel while Fry and Amy are in the back.]
Zoidberg: Ah, I'll just turn the wheel to maximum fastness!
[He turns it. Amy screams.]
Fry: Amy, you know how at first you like chocolate but then you start to get tired of it because it always wants to hang out with you?
Amy: Huh? You don't like chocolate?
Fry: Look, could chocolate just let me finish?
Zoidberg: Vroom, vroom! And the winner of the big car race is ... Hot Rod Zoidberg!
[He mimes a crowd cheering.]
Fry: Amy, what I'm trying to say is, I think maybe you and I should stop--
[Something in the front snaps. Zoidberg has pulled the wheel off.]
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. Here, you drive!
[He offers the wheel to Fry. The car spins out of control, hitting chunks of ice. It heads straight for a huge mountain of ice. Fry screams and the car crashes.]
[Scene: Europa Surface. Fry comes to. Zoidberg looks over him.]
Zoidberg: Fry? Are you alright?
Fry: Ow! My head is killing me. What happened? Was anybody hurt?
Zoidberg: No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody but you. I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash.
Fry: How badly?
Zoidberg: That's it over there. [He points to Fry's headless body. Fry screams.] Don't worry, I managed to keep your head alive with some quick surgery.
[Fry moves his eyes up and down.]
Fry: Where is it?
[Zoidberg points.]
Zoidberg: There.
[Fry turns to his right and sees Amy's head. Zoidberg has grafted his head onto her left shoulder.]
Amy: Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry!
[Fry screams.]
---
Zoidberg: Don't worry, Fry, we'll have your body all fixed up in a few days. [He lifts Fry's body up over his shoulder.] Upsy daisy!
[He walks out of the room, hitting the body on the walls on the way out. Fry whimpers.]
---
Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin. I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.
Fry: Can I live without it?
Zoidberg: If you call that living.
Season 2, Episode 8: Raging Bender
Farnsworth: Sounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say. [He nods and then leans in to the others.] (whispering) Let's ditch him and go to the movies!
Fry: Hey, yeah!
[The others agree.]
Zoidberg: I'm seeing a movie with friends!
---
Zoidberg: Fellows! Fellows! How about a film we can all enjoy? Planet Of The Clams. [He points to the films poster that parodies Planet Of The Apes except with Decapodians and bipedal clams riding bareback on horses.] It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam.
---
Leela: This is more important than that marble-eating contest, Fry! It's about pride. Let me tell you a story from my childhood.
Zoidberg: Oh, again with the orphanarium!
Season 2, Episode 9: A Bicyclops Built for Two
[Fry sees the porn sites.]
Fry: So I see!
[He flies down to the porn sites and Bender and Hermes follow him.]
Zoidberg: What? What's going on here?
[He sees a sign advertising "Sardine-on-Mackerel Action", warbles and flies towards it.]
---
Zoidberg: The doctor is in! [Fry does a somersault and shoots at Zoidberg. He fizzles.] The doctor is out!
---
[Scene: Garden. At the wedding, Alkazar yawns. Hermes plays Here Comes The Bride and Farnsworth walks Leela up the aisle. Zoidberg wipes his eyes.]
Zoidberg: (crying) That pig over there is wearing the same sandals as me.
Season 2, Episode 10: A Clone of My Own
Bender: Good evening, I'm-- [Feedback. He turns the knob on the side of his casing.] Whoa, sorry. I'm Bender and I'll be emceeing this roast. Y'know, they say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. So here's the Professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster.
[Zoidberg takes Bender's place and appears on the screen.]
Zoidberg: Good evening, ladies and germs. [The band plays a rimshot.] That wasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean Streptococcus. [In the audience a big green germ waves.] Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon. [He grins. There is no rimshot and the audience don't laugh. A man drums his fingers on the table.] Hey, Ringo, that was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.
[He sits down. Bender gets back up.]
Bender: Where would the Professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there! [He points at Farnsworth and chuckles.] But seriously, of all the former crew members of the Professor's delivery ship, our next speaker is by far the most alive. Captain Muskie?
[A man who is a dead ringer for the wheelchair-bound Captain Pike from Star Trek takes the mic. His wheelchair beeps once and the audience howls with laughter. Zoidberg turns to Dean Vernon.]
Zoidberg: I wouldn't wanna follow that guy!
---
Farnsworth: So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.
[He points to a cobweb-covered contraption in the corner.]
Zoidberg: If only it'd worked, you could go back and not waste your time on it.
---
Zoidberg: You? The successor? Over my empty shell! The Professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity.
[He clacks his claws.]
Hermes: Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams things. The only sensible way to choose a successor is with a limbo contest.
---
Fry: Sorry, everyone, but need I remind you? Blood is thicker than water.
Zoidberg: [writing] Blood ... thicker ... water.
---
Cubert: As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called "crew", if it can so be called. First of all, Dr. Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?
Zoidberg: I lost it ... in a volcano.
Season 2, Episode 11: How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back
Zoidberg: Leela, Fry, robot. No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available.
Leela: We're playing poker. But I'm warning you, my friends are serious players.
Zoidberg: Bah, big shots. I say let the dice do the talking.
---
[Four of his cards are stuck in an apple he is holding. Bender spits one more card at him and it cuts off the fork in his hair. Zoidberg fumbles with the hand he is dealt.]
Zoidberg: I can't spell anything with these cards.
[Time Lapse. The game continues and Zoidberg has lost the shirt off his back. Bender enjoys a winning streak as he wears Zoidberg's shirt and has a few piles of chips in front of him. He hums.]
Zoidberg: Finally, I have a good claw. See? [He turns his cards around.] Three human females, a number and a king giving himself brain surgery.
---
Bender: Guys, I swear those are prescription. I need 'em for reading stuff ... on the other side of stuff.
[He walks back towards the door and backs into Zoidberg.]
Lou: Cheater!
Ipgee: Get him!
Terry: Break his neck!
Zoidberg: No, don't hurt him! He's my best friend!
[Bender pushes him over and legs it.]
---
Zoidberg: I recommend the health cure on Spa 5, the sauna planet. Here, read.
[He hands a leaflet to LaBarbara.]
LaBarbara: Spa 5? Is it good?
Zoidberg: Oh, it's wonderful! I don't know anything about it but they give me a bucket of krill for every patient I send.
Morgan: Naturally I'll have to assign a bureaucrat to fill in for Hermes while he's away. I assign me, I accept. Welcome aboard.
Zoidberg: Then it's settled. Hermes will relax and Zoidberg will eat. Hurrah!
---
Amy: I can't figure why she's so nice to you, Fry.
Zoidberg: She's a hateful monster, this Morgan. She scolded and hit me. I tell you, she's risking my friendship with her.
---
Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg brought us.
Zoidberg: It was me! I'm the hero!
---
Zoidberg: Now it's time for my song! (singing) When I was two, there was a tidal wave in--
[Closing Credits.]
Zoidberg: (over credits) Aw.
Season 2, Episode 12: The Deep South
Hermes: Let's see now, which bait to use? [Zoidberg looks up.] Crickets? Squid? Chicken necks?
Zoidberg: Excuse me, if I might be so bold, I'm willing to offer my services as a bait critic. [He eats a sardine.] These sardines for example are bland and tasteless. [He eats a few more.] And these dry, stringy night crawlers, though juicy ... [He eats a few.] ... very, very juicy--
[He sticks his head in the bucket and gobbles the bait.]
Hermes: I don't believe this! It's eating my bait! [He picks up his fishing rod and hits Zoidberg with it.] Beat it, you mooching crawdad!
[Zoidberg runs away and woops. Bender presses a button on his fishing rod.]
---
Farnsworth: You'll never catch anything with that primitive technology. What you need is this fish pheromone. [He pulls out a spray can.] The most potent aphrodisiac known to fishkind. [He shakes the can and tries to spray it on his line but he is holding it the wrong way so it sprays back in his face.] Uh-oh!
[Several fish leap up to his head. He screams and knocks them off. Zoidberg comes up behind him and sniffs him.]
Zoidberg: (sexfully) I'm so into you!
[He wraps his mouth flaps around Farnsworth's head and slurps.]
Farnsworth: Oh, my!
---
Leela: Wake up, everyone! I've got something. And this time it's alive! [She pulls out another boot with Zoidberg on the end of it and groans.] Dr. Zoidberg, since when do you even wear boots?
Zoidberg: I wasn't wearing it. (ashamed) I was eating it.
---
Zoidberg: Wait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable diamond filament! [He snips at the tether with his claw but it doesn't break.] Well, at least I'll die with my friends. Hello?
[The others shut the turret hatch behind them and the water line creeps towards Zoidberg. He climbs in and shuts it behind him. The ship lurches forward and disappears under the water and the staff scream. Something floats to the surface.]
---
Zoidberg: How are you doing there, Fry? [Fry blubbers.] Glad to hear it. [He picks up another fish.] Aha!
[He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet. Bender sees an electric eel and grabs it. It shocks him.]
Bender: Aw, yeah!
[Zoidberg sees a little glowing thing.]
Zoidberg: Yum, yum, yum! [He eats it, not realising it is the top of a large pilot fish.] Uh-oh! [The fish chases him and Zoidberg woops and hides in a shell. The fish passes him and he scuttles back to Fry and Bender with the shell on his back.] Look at me, I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!
[Time Lapse. The trio search for food next to a sunken wreck. Fry lifts a skull and crossbones flag.]
Zoidberg: Careful, Fry, I think that flag might be poisonous.
[Bender emerges from the boat wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch and carrying some bottles.]
Bender: Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty grub. [He opens the bottle and tries to drink what is in it but the liquid just drips out and trails away from him in the ocean current.] Arr! The laws o' science be a harsh mistress!
Zoidberg: Say, robot, old buddy? Could you help me move a couch?
Bender: Uh, OK, but I'm not carrying it upstairs.
[He climbs into the shell, leaving Fry alone. Some seaweed parts, revealing a mermaid. She laughs and swims away and Fry blubbers. Zoidberg and Bender emerge from the shell.]
Zoidberg: What is it, Fry?
Fry: (blubbering) Mermaid.
Bender: You want some lemonade? You saw a big parade?
Zoidberg: Your student loans have been repaid? Then how 'bout lending your old pal Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr. Millionaire!
---
Fry: What's so far-fetched about mermaids? I mean, there's all sorts of weird sea creatures here in the future. Like Dr. Zoidberg.
[He points through the window at Zoidberg. He is wearing a sunhat and has built a window box on his shell and is landscaping a garden. He turns around and waves.]
---
[Scene: Seabed. The staff stand outside the ship wearing their oxygen masks. Zoidberg sniffs around like a dog.]
Zoidberg: I've got his scent! Over here where the water gets warmer. This way!
---
Leela: But, Fry, what about us? What about your life on the surface? You don't belong down here.
Zoidberg: She's right, I mean, sure, they got the Braves but it's a third-rate symphony.
---
Zoidberg: You know, Fry, I've got a little place just outside town. You could come visit, maybe?
[Fry looks at the Colonel who shakes his head.]
Fry: Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join the country club.
---
Zoidberg: Well, I guess this is goodbye for me as well.
Leela: Whatever.
Amy: Later.
Farnsworth: Bye.
[Cut to: Seabed. Zoidberg turns away sadly and the door closes behind him. He screams. His shell is a burned ruin.]
Zoidberg: No! My home! It burned down! [Hermes and Bender walk out of the ship. Zoidberg cries.] (crying) How did this happen?
Hermes: That's a very good question.
[Bender picks something up.]
Bender: So that's where I left my cigar.
---
[He chokes. The bass' gills open. Zoidberg is inside.]
Zoidberg: Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here!
Season 2, Episode 13: Bender Gets Made
[Scene: Taco Bellevue Hospital Eye Clinic. While a doctor examines Leela's bloodshot eye, Zoidberg, dressed in scrubs, talks to Fry.]
Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated.
---
Doctor #2: Not as right that time. It looks like you might have some mild corneal irritation.
Zoidberg: Nice try, little boy. You may have your textbook knowledge and your real diploma but I have more skill in my little claw than you have in your whole carapace!
[He screams and clacks his claws at the doctor.]
Doctor #2: You seem a bit tense. [He tips some pills onto his hand.] Here, try these.
Zoidberg: Sure, butter me up with candy. But it won't work, sonny! [He slurps the pills off the doctor's hand and his pupils dilate.] (high) Why always the fighting?
[He walks away and the doctor turns to Leela.]
---
Leela: A week? What do you think, Dr. Zoidberg?
[Zoidberg, still high, clacks his claw past his face.]
Zoidberg: (high) Clack.
[Scene: Taco Bellevue Hospital Waiting Room. Amy and Bender pace around. The doors open and Leela and Zoidberg walk in. Leela seems to be holding onto Zoidberg's arm.]
Zoidberg: (high) Thanks for the help, Leela.
---
[Zoidberg looks at his plate.]
Zoidberg: The king crab is to die for. Look! A tiny edible crown.
[He eats it.]
Amy: What's it made of?
Zoidberg: [eating] Wood!
---
Hermes: We don't have that kind of money. Especially not Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: They took away my credit card.
---
URL: Now it's payback time. Aw, yeah!
Zoidberg: Please don't hit me. I'm brittle!
Bender: Hey, wait a second. I've got the perfect solution.
Zoidberg: Listen to the smart robot.
---
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The hangar doors half open and the ship blasts through them, leaving a hole in them.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Zoidberg turn around at the table and see the hole in the doors and the rubble on the hangar floor.]
Hermes: That's coming outta your pay!
[Zoidberg bursts into tears.]
---
Leela: Well, this is the big moment. It's finally time to take my eye patch off.
Zoidberg: I'll handle the snipping. After all, I do have the proper equipment.
[He ignores his claw and uses some scissors to cut the patch off. Leela sees a shape come into view and gasps.]
Season 2, Episode 14: Mother's Day
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit huddled around a campfire as Fry continues to bang the tin on the floor, trying to open it. Leela snatches it from him.]
Leela: (defeated) Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg used his claws to cut the tin open.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm useful! I'm having a wonderful time!
---
Farnsworth: Uh-huh. May I come in?
Mom: (shouting) Never!
[She tries to slam the door on him but it just hits his foot. He screams in pain. The others watch.]
Zoidberg: Is this what human mating looks like? Because I like it!
Season 2, Episode 15: The Problem With Popplers
[Zoidberg eats some.]
Zoidberg: They're tastier than an unguarded penguin nest. What do you call them?
---
Fry: I know, we'll call them Popplers!
Bender: Good idea.
Zoidberg: Oh, yeah, why not?
Amy: You sure picked it.
Fry: Swish!
[Zoidberg crams some more into his mouth.]
Zoidberg: Call them what you want. I call them a free meal.
[Bender grabs his claw.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Sigmund. I can't stand idly by while poor people get free food. We gotta sell these things!
---
[In space, Bender paints "Poppler" on the tail of the ship and scrubs out "Planet", making it Poppler Express. The ship speeds through space carrying a crate of live Popplers. The sign outside Fishy Joe's turns over to over one million sold. People buy Popplers from a tube-thru window. Zoidberg arrives and turns his pockets inside out.]
Zoidberg: I can't pay.
[Behind him, people shake their fists at him.]
---
Leela: Popplers are intelligent. This one called me mama.
[She has the Poppler wrapped in a Tender 'n' Juicy napkin.]
Zoidberg: Congratulations. I assume Amy is the father.
---
Amy: Leela, maybe you should lie down.
Zoidberg: Yes, listen to the father.
Season 2, Episode 16: Anthology of Interest I
(Non-canon)
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four hide behind a table, watching a guinea pig on a plate. Zoidberg passes the door, sniffs and sees the guinea pig.]
Zoidberg: What's this? Two meals in one week?
[He picks up the guinea pig and eats it. A tube comes down over him and traps him. Amy laughs.]
Farnsworth: Gotcha!
Hermes: Oh, yes!
Zoidberg: Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me! [Farnsworth throws a switch and the enlarging ray comes down and enlarges Zoidberg.] What?
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg grows and emerges from the hangar roof.]
Zoidberg: So, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's more like it! Who's intimidating who now, big city? [He walks towards a building.] Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank. Deny my credit card application, will you? [He growls and knocks the building in half. He turns around.] Ah, the famed Apollo Theater. "Boo" me off stage on open-mic night, huh? I'll show you!
[He kicks the building apart and picks up another one. Bender arrives.]
Bender: Hey, I called this city! Quit touching my stuff!
Zoidberg: Tell it to claw.
[He holds up his claw to Bender.]
Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!
[Zoidberg picks up a train and whips it around. Bender snaps off part of a travel tube, sucks up some people and blows them at Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams.]
Zoidberg: Stop!
[Bender dives on Zoidberg and knocks him into some buildings. They roll across the city. Zoidberg kicks Bender off him, picks up a building and uses a bridge to launch it at Bender. It misses and hits a cliff. A "Luxury River View Apts" banner rolls out from one of the windows. Bender rips up the Shea Stadium from its foundations, scoops up some water and boils it with a fiery belch.]
Bender: (shouting) Who wants lobster bisque?
Zoidberg: Hmm?
[Bender knocks him into the boiling water and he screams as he disappears under. Bender laughs.]
---
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks in whistling nonchalantly.]
Zoidberg: Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it.
[Enter Hermes.]
Hermes: Sweet giant anteater of Saint Anita! The Professor's been eaten by giant anteaters!
Zoidberg: What?
[Leela gasps.]
Hermes: If y'ask me, it's mighty suspicious! I'm gonna call the police ... right after I flush some things.
Zoidberg: Police? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens I have mail order degrees in Murderology and Murderonomy. [He puts on a deerstalker and pulls out a magnifying glass.] Zoidberg is afoot!
---
Zoidberg: Alright, anteater number one, who are you protecting? [Hermes dives into the room but is dragged out again.] Is it anteater number two? [Leela runs in, grabs an axe and runs out again.] Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name! [An anteater makes a noise.] What? How do you spell that?
[The sound of hacking comes from the meeting room.]
Hermes: (shouting; from meeting room) What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso!
Zoidberg: (shouting) Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things.
---
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. The remaining Planet Express staff, plus Cubert and Nibbler, are assembled in the room. Zoidberg, still wearing the deerstalker, tips some tobacco into his pipe then eats the whole thing. A man with a moustache walks in.]
Zoidberg: Ah, the gang's all here.
---
Zoidberg: Quiet, please. I've called you all here to the parlour to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room ... is a big murderer! [Everyone except Leela gasps. She gasps theatrically.] You see, the killer left one fatal clue: This boot print on the Professor's lab coat.
---
Zoidberg: My next clue came at 4.15, when the clock stopped. And another came two hours later at 4.15, when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.
[He opens the clock and Amy tumbles out, clutching some purple hair.]
Scruffy: Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were--
[Leela turns the lights off again and stabs Scruffy with the same sword. The lights come back on.]
Zoidberg: So, it's just as I suspected all along. The crime is unsolvable! [Nibbler squeals and points at Leela. The lights go off and Leela stabs Nibbler. They come back on and Nibbler is sandwiched between Scruffy and Cubert. An envelope comes through the door. Zoidberg reads the letter inside.] A letter from Bender, my good friend. (reading) Dear Dr. Jerkberg, if you're reading this, I'm already dead. The person who killed me was ... was-- [He looks up from the letter.] My God! It can't be! The murderer, it was--
[Fry yawns.]
Fry: I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. I'm gonna go watch TV.
---
Fry: Who are you monsters? Is one of you Icy Wiener?
Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm icy whatever!
Season 2, Episode 17: War is the H-Word
Nurse: Are you ready to operate, doctor?
Zoidberg: [washing his claws] I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery. [He laughs.] I kid! I kid!
[The nurse puts some gloves on his claws and they break.]
[Time Lapse. A human doctor operates on a mule, a robot doctor operates on soldier #1 while Zoidberg operates on the hick.]
Zoidberg: Scalpel. [The nurse hands him a scalpel and he cuts something inside the hick.] Blood bucket. [She hands him a bucket and he puts it under the operating table.] Priest. Next patient.
[The robot doctor, iHawk, has a martini permanently attached to his left hand.]
iHawk: Gee, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.
Nurse: Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone! He has twice the training you do.
iHawk: Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher!
[He laughs and soldier #1 joins in. Zoidberg groans.]
Zoidberg: See, this is how it starts. First with he jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.
---
Zoidberg: I'm afraid he's gone.
[He pulls the sheet over the hick.]
Hick: Whoa, doc, I ain't dead.
Zoidberg: Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor.
---
iHawk: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.
[He laughs.]
Zoidberg: That's my joke! I'll kill you!
[He jumps at iHawk and clacks his claws.]
Season 2, Episode 18: The Honking
Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall! Although-- [The MS Windows intro music plays, as if from nowhere. Someone laughs.] What's that?
Zoidberg: I don't know, but it's infectious!
[He laughs.]
---
Zoidberg: Bender, you look awful. I prescribe make-up. Here. It just so happens I have my Mary Kay sample case!
Bender: Ah, I just need sleep. I had nightmares all night about cars running people over.
Zoidberg: Many people dream of a fresh, new look. And Mary Kay can make those dreams come true.
Season 2, Episode 19: The Cryonic Woman
Amy: Oh, no!
[She talks in Chinese.]
Hermes: Sweet ghost of Babylon.
Zoidberg: This isn't good for Zoidberg!
---
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The three former employees leave through the main door. Zoidberg, Amy, Hermes and Farnsworth watch them go.]
Zoidberg: [waving] Goodbye, friends. I'll miss you. [They round a corner and hear Zoidberg talking to the others through a hole in the wall.] Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one!
Farnsworth: Yes, yes! Let's all talk to Zoidberg.
Amy: Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, I've been thinking, do you think we could go out?
Farnsworth: So, Zoidberg, what's new?
Hermes: Tell me, Zoidberg: Is it carapace or carapass?
Zoidberg: Oh, you know!
---
Farnsworth: So, how was delivery to Fantasy Planet, where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy: Great!
Hermes: Organised!
Zoidberg: For one beautiful night, I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honoured.
---
Fry: I'm glad you're all here. I wanted to introduce you to my on-again-off-again girlfriend of the past thousand years, Michelle. [Everyone claps.] Michelle, this is Leela. [Michelle screams.] This is Bender. [Michelle screams.] The Professor. [Farnsworth waves. Michelle looks at Fry and he nods. She screams.] Hermes and Amy.
Michelle: Nice to meet you.
Fry: And this is Dr. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg screams and runs away.]
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy and Michelle sit at the table. Zoidberg, wearing a frilly apron, pours them some tea.]
Zoidberg: There you go, dearies.
[He hums and leaves. Michelle trembles.]
---
Michelle: That's true. But I used to fit in really well.
Zoidberg: Then good luck, sister.
[He screams and walks away. Michelle drops her cup and it smashes. Seconds later it reassembles itself. She whimpers.]
Season 3
Season 3, Episode 1: Amazon Women in the Mood
Hermes: Now we all love Nibbler, so it's only fair that we all pitch in and clean it up together. Still, I propose we make Zoidberg do it. All in favour?
[Everyone except Zoidberg raises their hand.]
---
[He takes off his glasses and cries. The door opens and Zoidberg walks in wearing a towel. But his body is white-pink and is wobbling around like lobster jelly.]
Zoidberg: Why with all the crying? [He looks across the room.] So that's where I left my shell.
[He wobbles over to the table. Leela picks up the shell.]
Leela: I didn't know you could take this thing off.
Zoidberg: It was starting to get a little cramped in there so I molted, why not? Ah, the fresh air feels good!
[He wobbles around.]
Farnsworth: Stop doing that!
[Zoidberg tucks his shell under his arm.]
Zoidberg: So long. I'm off to toss this old shell in the dumpster and maybe pick up those potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.
Amy: Those were toenail clippings.
Zoidberg: A feast is a feast.
[He turns around and leaves. His shell has a large hole down the back of it. As he walks out his towel falls off. The sound of a phone ringing comes from the lounge.]
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The next day, Fry, Bender and Hermes sit watching TV. Zoidberg walks in still without a shell and carrying a purple J. Crab catalogue.]
Zoidberg: Look what arrived: My new shell catalogue. So let's try some on, already! [He puts the catalogue on the coffee table and it opens up like a laptop. It emits a holographic stereotypical Mexican shell onto his body.] Ah! Muy macho! Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water!
[He points his claws at them like guns and imitates gunfire.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican and I find that offensive.
[He opens his chest cabinet. "Hecho En Mexico" is etched on the inside of his door. He closes it and it falls off.]
Zoidberg: You Latins are so hot-blooded! [He changes the shell and the new one looks like the outfit worn by the cop from The Village People.] This one's like a summer guy!
[He turns around revealing his lobster ass.]
Hermes: Look, you fat fish, the Planet Express health plan only covers one kind of replacement shell.
[He changes the shell to a simple white shell with a barcode and "Shell" printed on it. Zoidberg groans and Hermes closes the catalogue. Zoidberg wobbles out towards the meeting room.]
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes and Zoidberg stand at the water cooler.]
Zoidberg: And that's how I got my new shell. It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday and I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon inside. [He slurps.] Pretty good story, eh, Hermes?
Season 3, Episode 2: Parasites Lost
[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry is sat on the table with a large pipe sticking out of him. The staff are gathered around. Enter Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Oh, the hypochondriac's back! So what is it this time?
Fry: Well, my lead pipe hurts a little.
Zoidberg: That's normal. Next patient.
---
[Cut to: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg examines Fry's chest with a stethoscope. He hears the sound of a truck reversing and beeping.]
Zoidberg: Hmm. We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera. [He holds up an endoscope. Fry opens his mouth.] Guess again.
[Fry's expression changes to worried.]
---
Farnsworth-Droid: Anyhoo, your net suits will let you experience Fry's worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
Zoidberg-Droid: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
---
Zoidberg-Droid: Quick! We can escape through that nasal capillary into the sinus.
[Cut to: Fry's Nose. Amy turns the ship around and the ship heads for the hole.]
[Cut to: Miniature Ships Cockpit.]
Hermes-Droid: Strange. Usually you don't know anything about human anatomy.
Zoidberg-Droid: I learned it from a decongestant commercial. (echoing) "Soothing action, action, action, action..."
---
Bender-Droid: Where are we? The ass?
Farnsworth-Droid: We're in the heart. Better known as "The Love Muscle".
Zoidberg-Droid: Where the food is digested.
---
[Cut to: Outside Miniature Ship. Zoidberg opens the turret hatch and scrapes cholesterol off the roof of the valve and spreads it on a cracker.]
Zoidberg-Droid: It's good cholesterol but it spreads like bad cholesterol!
[He gobbles the cracker. The ship flies past worms who are busy scrubbing the valve.]
---
Hermes-Droid: He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined!
Zoidberg-Droid: Gumbercules? I love that guy!
---
Farnsworth-Droid: There it is! The stately capitol of Fry's bowel. A heavily-guarded fortress surrounding the pelvic splanchnic ganglion.
Zoidberg-Droid: I've heard of that! Who said I haven't?
---
Farnsworth-Droid: The nerve is through here. Where's Zoidberg?
[Enter Zoidberg riding one of Fry's sperm.]
Zoidberg-Droid: Yippie-ki-yay! You'll never guess where I've been!
Season 3, Episode 3: A Tale of Two Santas
Fry: Ah! Bathtub eggnog! Just the way Grandma used to drink. [He tastes it and spits it out.] Ew! It went sour!
[Zoidberg sits up in the bath.]
Zoidberg: Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
---
[Enter Zoidberg dressed as Jesus, surrounded by a white light.]
Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus!
---
Poopenmeyer: My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!
Zoidberg: I help those who help themselves.
Season 3, Episode 4: The Luck of the Fryrish
Hermes: (shouting) Baby needs a new pair of shoes!
Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes!
---
Zoidberg: So the clover is still in the hiding place, maybe?
Season 3, Episode 5: The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz
Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer -- in this comic I drew.
[He takes out a piece of paper. Zoidberg turns around.]
Zoidberg: Ooh! The new one's out!
---
Bender: Correct, Wiggles. You've just earned an invitation to the captain's table
[He leaves and Zoidberg leans over the back of his chair.]
Zoidberg: (whispering) The captain's table! What an honour!
---
Bender: Going? But a captain can't drink without his first mate.
[Fry leaves. Zoidberg peeps over the edge of the table.]
Zoidberg: You can drink with me maybe?
Bender: I don't feel like drinking.
[He takes off his hat and starts to walk out.]
Zoidberg: Then, if you'll excuse me, I see some ravioli that only has two shoe prints on it. [Bender walks through it.] Three.
---
Zoidberg: Captain, please, have some liquor. You robots need alcohol to function.
Bender: (sober) Gah! I once knew a guy ... you look like him. But he wasn't either. [His hat tumbles off and he groans.] I'm a good captain.
Zoidberg: Please, sir, I love you like a father!
---
[Zoidberg turns on another screen that displays the extent of the damage to the tanker. There is a huge gash most of the way along the hull. A gauge at one side of the screen drops as the dark matter levels go down.]
Zoidberg: All 6,000 hulls have been breached!
[Fry falls to his knees.]
Fry: Oh, the fools! If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls! When will they learn?
---
Leela: Hey, why weren't you Kong donkeys outside cleaning up?
Zoidberg: They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job. [Yolk drips from his mouth.] (ashamed) And eating penguin eggs.
Fry: You ate most of them. So, where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophising some other planet?
[He chuckles. Zoidberg slaps him.]
Zoidberg: Damnit, Fry! He may have done wrong, but he's still your captain.
---
Fry: Madam, I am in command now.
[He walks out and Zoidberg follows him.]
Zoidberg: Such a man! I'd follow him to hell and back, I would.
---
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Fry flies the ship through space and Zoidberg looks anxiously through the window.]
Zoidberg: Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto any longer. In fact, we may have left space as we know it.
Fry: Then where are we? You said you knew how to navigate.
Zoidberg: (shouting) Stop yelling at me!
[He bursts into tears.]
---
[Scene: The Planet Express ship glides through space with a giant space-squid holding onto it. Fry screams.]
Zoidberg: (shouting; from ship) It's been an honour to serve under you, sir!
Season 3, Episode 6: Bendless Love
Bender: Who could do a thing like that? And by "that", I mean this.
[He bends the L-unit back and forth repeatedly.]
Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands.
Hermes: I'd better make a chart of the suspects. I'll begin by drawing a line with my straight-edge. [He draws along his straight-edge but halfway along the line starts to bend. He gasps.] Sweet lamprey of Santa Fe! My edge has been bent!
[Amy walks in wearing Mars University sweats.]
Amy: (crying) My javelin too! It's ruined. [She holds up her javelin which has been bent in eight places.] Now we'll never beat Jupiter State.
Zoidberg: My slinky! [He runs over to the corner of the room and picks up a straightened slinky. He falls to his knees.] My cuddly, little pet slinky!
---
Hermes: I know how to settle this: We'll check last night's surveillance tapes.
Fry: Huh?
Amy: What tapes?
Leela: Surveillance?
Zoidberg: You've seen me naked?
---
[He bends it straight. Beside him, Zoidberg has re-curled his slinky, though it doesn't really look right.]
Zoidberg: There, little friend. Good as new.
[He strokes it and puts it atop a pile of books he has arranged like stairs. He nudges the slinky and it flops down the books and bursts into flames. Zoidberg groans and bursts into tears.]
Season 3, Episode 7: The Day the Earth Stood Stupid
Farnsworth: Zooka barooka! First prize is $500 and a year's supply of dog food!
Bender: "$500", you say?
Zoidberg: "Dog food", you say?
[He licks his tendrils.]
---
Bender: [to judge] Ma'am, I have a late entry: My hard-shelled wooping terrier, Mr. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg stands on all-fours and wears a blue cape and a nappy. Bender whips him and he woops. He whips him again and Zoidberg woops and waves his claws in the air.]
[Time Lapse. The crowd cheers for Zoidberg and Bender. Zoidberg scurries through a tunnel with Bender whipping him as he goes.]
Bender: Faster! Faster.
[Zoidberg woops. He comes out of the tunnel, jumps on to a balance beam and somersaults across it. Bender hits him again.]
Zoidberg: Ow!
---
Bender: Second place? [He pulls Zoidberg's choke chain.] That's a fancy word for losing. [He whips Zoidberg as he speaks.] You didn't stick your landing!
Zoidberg: Forgive me, my friend.
Bender: Never!
[He whips him again.]
---
Hermes: What's got into him? He's twitching like Zoidberg when someone mentions the word "food".
Zoidberg: [twitching] What, now?
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg crouches on the examination table. He sticks one of his tendrils out and tries to clack it with his claw. Enter Fry.]
Fry: Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird?
Zoidberg: Zoidy want balloon! Want balloon now! [He jumps around.] Zoidy want go outside!
Fry: (angry) I just let you back in!
---
Farnsworth: Duh, I know! Let's play the lottery!
Amy: No. Let's buy Internet stock!
Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidy wanna buy on margin!
Season 3, Episode 8: That's Lobstertainment!
This is a Zoidberg-centric episode. Full script is here
Season 3, Episode 9: The Cyber House Rules
Leela: You're right! I'll start by not caring what you think! [She stands up.] I'm getting the surgery.
Farnsworth: That a girl!
Amy: Right on!
Zoidberg: Wonderful. And while you're under the knife, you could also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies.
Farnsworth: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile!
[He raises a rolled-up newspaper at Zoidberg. Zoidberg sprays ink at his face and runs off, wooping.]
---
Leela: Fry, I just wanna try dating a normal man, who if you go somewhere with him no one says he's crummy. I think I deserve that once in life.
[Zoidberg holds her arm.]
Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adlai, Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor.
Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich.
Zoidberg: What? When did this happen? You're joking, right? [He shakes her.] That's not funny!
---
Leela: Thanks for coming out to get to know my boyfriend. Isn't he dreamy?
Zoidberg: (mesmerised) Totally.
---
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
Zoidberg: Damn right!
---
Bender: Coming through, watch your heads!
[He wangs Zoidberg on the head as he passes him.]
Zoidberg: Help! I'm under attack!
[He sprays the others with ink. Bender sits with the kids at another table.]
---
Leela: Oh, Adlai, this is the most beautiful moment of my life!
[Zoidberg woops and sprays her with ink.]
Season 3, Episode 10: Where the Buggalo Roam
Mrs. Wong: OK, then. Make yourselves at home.
[Zoidberg stands on the landing, dressed in a bathrobe. He is holding a green bottle.]
Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have anymore of this Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.
[Mr. and Mrs. Wong growl.]
---
Mr. Wong: Here is most number one product of all: The mighty buggalo. They used for everything; meat, milk and their shells make good row boat.
[He points to Zoidberg, rowing a buggalo shell on a lake.]
Zoidberg: (shouting) I broke your television.
---
[Zoidberg walks over to the barbecue.]
Zoidberg: Host-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful time!
Mr. Wong: You here five hours and already you tear up couch, draw moustache on priceless painting and fill pool with brine shrimp.
Zoidberg: [nudging Mrs. Wong] Not bad for a city boy, huh? [Mr. Wong takes a bite of caviar.] By the way, I took the liberty of fertilising your caviar.
[Mr. Wong looks at his food and chews slower. At the bar, Bender pours himself another drink, knocks it back, stacks the glass on top of 13 others, pours the last of the bottle down his neck and stacks the bottle on top of 11 others. He belches fire. Kif stammers and Amy wipes sweat from his face.]
---
Mr. Wong: They been rustled under cover of storm. We ruined!
[Zoidberg puts his arms around Mr. and Mrs. Wong and they struggle.]
Zoidberg: (screaming) Nooo!
[They push him away.]
---
Mrs. Wong: OK. I want a divorce.
[Zoidberg is dressed golf clothes.]
Zoidberg: Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!
Amy: They're not your parents, I'm not your sister and that's not your golf cart.
Zoidberg: Aw!
[He reverses the golf cart away.]
---
[Scene: Outside The Wongs' House. Zoidberg looks out the window.]
Zoidberg: (from inside) Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch!
[Mrs. Wong beats Zoidberg over the head with a trophy head.]
---
Zoidberg: Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome here at Rancho Zoidberg!
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Zoidberg is thrown out. He hits his head on a post and scoffs.]
Zoidberg: Money doesn't make good people, no, siree!
Season 3, Episode 11: Insane in the Mainframe
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table and Zoidberg wears a suit.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today marks our dear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in order.
Fry: (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!
Leela: (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!
Amy: (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!
Zoidberg: Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!
Hermes: I will now read the mandatory speech. [He opens a book called "Minimum Obligations Manual".] (reading) Dear employee. Has it really been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.
[He gives Zoidberg an envelope and claps. Zoidberg opens it and takes out two coupons.]
Zoidberg: Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could only afford the one ... and the car. Ah, the years! So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies--
Hermes: Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. [He hands Zoidberg a piece of paper. Zoidberg reads it. He has accumulated a grand total of $0.00.] It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!
[Zoidberg wipes away a tear.]
Zoidberg: You kept track of it all these years!
---
Zoidberg: Listen to me, Fry. Just because you think you're a robot, doesn't make you a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor but that doesn't make me a doctor. These fancy clothes do!
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and finishes another bottle of beer. He throws it down on the floor at Zoidberg's feet.]
Zoidberg: By a scallop's forelocks! What's with all the beer, Fry?
---
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Police cars surround the building. Roberto stands at the window with his knife at Zoidberg's neck.]
Roberto: Back off! I got hostages!
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping!
---
[Time Lapse. More police cars arrive outside. Roberto has everyone except Fry tied up in the middle of the room. They mutter.]
Zoidberg: Oh, the fear!
---
Fry: (mechanical voice) It was nothing. I-- [He sees his bleeding arm and screams. His wipes some onto his finger and looks at it.] (normal) Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a, a--
Zoidberg: A squid?
Fry: A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!
Zoidberg: Also good.
Season 3, Episode 12: The Route of All Evil
Zoidberg: What's going on? Is this angry yelling or busted-hearing-aid yelling?
Hermes: I'm afraid it's both.
Farnsworth: (shouting) What?
---
Dwight: We're finally making more money than you guys! Aren't you impressed now, Pops? Aren'tcha? Aren'tcha?
Hermes: Uh, in a small way, yes. But you still don't have your own building or conference table or ... or one of those things!
[He points at Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Hello!
---
[Cut to: New New York City Street. They pass a dumpster. Zoidberg pops out of it and watches Farnsworth and Hermes.]
Zoidberg: There but for the grace of God.
[He dives back in and gobbles scraps.]
Season 3, Episode 13: Bendin' in the Wind
Bender: (singing) Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care,
Cause the master's gone away.
Zoidberg: [tapping his feet] It's toe-tapping-ly tragic.
---
Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram in my van and follow Bender on tour and live there, in the van?
[Behind them, the VW rumbles and backfires.]
Zoidberg: Oh, I don't know, Fry. I think I'm too poor to follow a band around in a van.
---
Zoidberg: Bad news, friends. My shell ran.
[He holds up his clothes. They are a funky tie-dye pink.]
Amy: Zoidberg, you idiot, my outfit. It's, it's--
Leela: Kinda cool.
Fry: Yeah, I like it.
Amy: Me too, now that I'm used to it.
Zoidberg: Then it was all on purpose! You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross me, and I'll turn on you like that!
[He snaps his claws and squeals at them.]
---
[Cut to: VW. Zoidberg coughs and hawks into a tissue.]
Amy: You'd better not do that at the concert.
Zoidberg: I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt, I get stuff in my throat.
[He hawks and spits into the tissue.]
Amy: You are so disgusting, I--
[She gasps. Zoidberg has spit up blue pearls. Leela takes a handful.]
Leela: They're beautiful.
Zoidberg: Ew, you're touching them!
Amy: I've never seen pearls like this. Dr. Zoidberg, you're amazing.
Zoidberg: I am? At last! Recognition!
[He spits up some more into Amy's and Leela's hands.]
---
Fry: Brothers and sisters, get your love beads. Can't journey to the centre of your mind without love beads!
[Hippies gather around the van.]
Hippie #1: Wow, look at the colours. These'll go great with my soul.
Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewellery for years, apparently.
---
[Bender floors it. Beck's bus gets closer and bumps them. They scream. The bus passes a sign that reads "Golden Gate Hoverbridge".]
Bender: Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge.
Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hovercar.
Fry: Is any of that a problem?
Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret.
[He screams. The VW flies off the edge of the road and plummets to the ground below.]
Season 3, Episode 14: Time Keeps on Slippin'
[Scene: Central Park Lake. People enjoy themselves at the lake; sunbathing, barbecuing and fishing. The Planet Express staff are there. Hermes throws a frisbee.]
Hermes: Go get it, boy!
[Zoidberg runs after it, catches it and eats it. Leela eats a sandwich and Fry kneels in front of her.]
---
[Curly Joe grabs Armo's ass. Zoidberg laughs.]
Zoidberg: That one grabbed his behindus!
---
[Time skips. The lounge has streamers and balloons and banners around it in celebration of Amy's birthday. There is a cake on the coffee table and presents around it.]
All: --ppy birthday, Amy.
Amy: Hooray! Look at all these presents!
Zoidberg: I hope we all have as much tomorrow at my birth--
[Time skips. Zoidberg sits alone in the empty lounge. There is a tiny cupcake on the table with a candle in it. He looks around.]
Zoidberg: What?
[He sighs.]
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg looks over a chess board.]
Zoidberg: Hmm. [He hovers his claw over it.] Hmm.
[He picks up a piece and eats it. Enter Leela.]
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, can I talk to you about Fry?
Zoidberg: Leela, I would be honoured.
[He moves aside on the couch for her.]
[Time skips. Leela talks as Zoidberg watches TV, ignoring her.]
Leela: --does the worst W.C. Fields imitation I've ever seen. Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring me.
[He turns the TV off.]
Leela: The thing is, Fry is very sweet, but he's so immature. I love his boyish charm but I hate his childishness.
Zoidberg: So he's not perfect. You don't wanna end up old and lonely like Zoidberg! [He cries then suddenly stops.] You were saying?
---
[Time Lapse. The other Globetrotters and the remaining Supermen are at the wedding too. Amy cheers.]
Zoidberg: He looks radiant!
---
Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg.
---
Fry: Oh, it's hopeless. I did something so great that it won Leela's heart and I'll never, ever know what it was. My life is empty.
[He sniffs.]
Zoidberg: (sexfully) Zoidberg!
Season 3, Episode 15: I Dated a Robot
Fry: I wanna see the edge of the universe!
Amy: Ooh! That sounds cool.
Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe, but you never do these things till someone comes to visit.
---
Leela: You stifle, Bender.
Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally you're standing up to him.
---
Zoidberg: Someone in trouble is!
---
Zoidberg: The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see a movie of in the popcorn stadium.
---
Zoidberg: Did you see me escaping? I was all like--
[He woops.]
---
Zoidberg: Looks like you're retaining water.
[He snips it with his claws and it explodes. They cheer.]
---
[Zoidberg presses a button and a door opens, revealing a huge bag of popcorn behind it.]
Zoidberg: At least we've got food.
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
Leela: And don't eat it.
[Zoidberg groans and cuts the bag. He is knocked over by the high pressure popcorn that shoots out of it. The popcorn flies out the window and knocks over the pyramid of Liubots.]
---
[The popcorn submerges the Liubots and everyone cheers.]
Zoidberg: Life was bad but now it's good forever!
Season 3, Episode 16: A Leela of Her Own
~
Season 3, Episode 17: A Pharaoh to Remember
Zoidberg: [opening the coffin] Now if the deceased would kindly take his place of honour.
---
[He lies back. Zoidberg makes a bagpipe noise with his mouth flaps.]
Zoidberg: (singing) Oh, Danny-boy,
The pipes, the pipes are calling--
[Bender sits up again.]
Bender: Who-y-boy?
Zoidberg: (singing) From glen to glen and down--
Bender: Danny-boy? You're at my funeral, singing about some dead stiff named Danny-boy? You really are a massive bonehead.
Zoidberg: I'm expressing my sorrow.
Season 3, Episode 18: Anthology of Interest II
(Non-canon)
Bender: Well, let's see what kinda things this body can do. [He spits and Hermes leans out the way of it.] Hey, that's pretty fun. [He vomits and laughs.] Being human is great!
[He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! It's just like Mardis Gras!
---
Zoidberg: Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he, already?
---
Zoidberg: Pulse, 300; liver, failing; cholesterol, 40?
Leela: Well, that's not so bad.
Zoidberg: No, I mean 40 pounds!
---
[Zoidberg eats the pellets.]
Zoidberg: Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! [The cherry appears in front of him.] Ooh, and a cherry!
---
Lrrr: But-But space invaders need to do laundry too. I mean look at Donkey Kong here. Have you smelled his loincloth lately?
Zoidberg: Yes.
---
[A yellow cab pulls up and Zoidberg steps out.]
Zoidberg: And I'm the other guy, courage. Not enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.
---
Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something?
[He sniffs his armpit and groans.]
---
Leela: Why did you bring us here?
Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?
---
Farnsworth: I am the Professor, great and ... uh ... forgetful! [Nibbler pulls back the curtain revealing Farnsworth's big head on a small body.] Now, what do you nice kids want?
Zoidberg: Nothing! I'm leaving. But if you have extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe?
Farnsworth: Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?
[He hands Zoidberg a gun and he takes it, spins it around on his claw and mimics gunfire.]
Zoidberg: No, world, you put your hands up!
---
Zoidberg: Uh, sorry. I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet.
Season 3, Episode 19: Roswell that Ends Well
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew are disorientated. Zoidberg groans.]
Zoidberg: My head is spinning.
---
["Warning" displays on the screen and a klaxon beeps. Zoidberg holds his claws to his head.]
Zoidberg: Such noises!
---
Leela: Alright, here's the plan: Zoidberg, pick up the pieces. Everyone else, take five.
[They head back to the ship and Zoidberg starts recovering Bender. He uses Bender's arm as a pick-up stick and puts the bits in his chest cabinet.]
[Time Lapse. Later that night, a wolf howls and Zoidberg is still going.]
Zoidberg: And Zoidberg picks up another piece. The crowd goes wild! [He mimes a cheering crowd. Car headlights shine in his eyes and he shields them.] What is?
---
[Cut to: Airbase Hangar. Men open a crate. Zoidberg is inside behind some bars. He waves.]
Zoidberg: Hello! [The general winces.] So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever.
---
[Scene: Airbase Hangar. The men watch Zoidberg sleep on the table.]
General: What is your purpose here?
[Zoidberg wakes up.]
Zoidberg: (drowsy) Alright, Officer, I'll move along.
Man: What the general means is why did you come to Earth?
Zoidberg: Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.
---
[Cut to: Clean Room. Zoidberg enters back to front. He turns around and sees the food on a table.]
Zoidberg: A buffet! Oh, if only I had my wallet with me!
[Cut to: Observation Room. The man presses an intercom.]
Man: Um, it's free.
[Zoidberg squeals and gorges on the food. It splatters up against the mirror. The men peer into the room and recoil in horror as Zoidberg splatters himself against the window and licks the food off.]
---
[Scene: Interrogation Room. Zoidberg is tied to a chair. Truman sits opposite him with the general and other man behind him.]
Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.
Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people.
Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid?
Zoidberg: Are you coming onto me?
Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that!
Zoidberg: (sexfully) I'm not hearing a no.
[Truman stands up.]
Truman: Nerks to this space crab! If we want information, we'll have to do us an old-fashioned alien autopsy!
[A man holds up a saw behind Zoidberg. Zoidberg turns around.]
Zoidberg: Hooray!
---
[Scene: Airbase Autopsy Room. Pathologists have opened up Zoidberg and are looking inside. One dictates into a microphone.]
Pathologist #1: Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity.
[Zoidberg grabs the microphone.]
Zoidberg: And in this corner, Zoidberg! [He laughs.] C'mon! Lighten up! What is this, a funeral?
[The pathologist takes the microphone back. Another pulls out one of Zoidberg's organs.]
Pathologist #2: Heart.
Zoidberg: Take, I've got four of them.
Pathologist #1: Stomach contents: One deviled egg.
[He puts it in a kidney bowl.]
Zoidberg: Deviled egg?
[He slurps it and the pathologist pulls it out again.]
Pathologist #1: The same deviled egg.
---
[Scene: Airbase Autopsy Room. The pathologist saws Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Hey, don't cut that! I need that to speak!
[The pathologist hesitates then cuts faster. Fry and Leela burst into the room through the ceiling wearing jetpacks.]
---
[Fry pulls some organs out of Zoidberg and throws them at Truman.]
Fry: Take this, Mr. President-- Sir!
[He throws another organ and it hits Truman in the face.]
Zoidberg: The President is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honour!
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg tapes up his wound.]
Zoidberg: There! Good as new!
[Leela holds up an organ.]
Leela: Don't you need this one?
Zoidberg: Oh, no! That's my-- [He gags, chokes and keels over. He gets back up again, smiling.] Gotcha!
[Leela, not impressed, tosses the organ over her shoulder.]
Season 3, Episode 20: Godfellas
Farnsworth: No. I'm afraid the Smellescope isn't powerful enough. Bender's odour is so mild it's being overpowered by local sources.
[He, Fry and Leela glare at Zoidberg who jumps up and claps with delight.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! People are paying attention to me!
Season 3: Episode 21: Future Stock
Fry: (whispering) Psst! Watching myself work is making me hungry. Help me find some food somewhere.
Zoidberg: I'll not only help you find it, I'll help you do more to it!
---
Fry: Ooh! A Bot Mitzvah. Shalom, hunger! Shalom, free food!
[He walks in and Zoidberg follows. A robot blocks Zoidberg's path.]
Robot #1: No shellfish!
[He slams the door.]
Zoidberg: That is so unfair!
Pig: Tell me about it.
---
[He indicates the "free food" sign underneath and goes in. A man mark something on a clipboard. Zoidberg follows.]
Zoidberg: Question: Do you have to have been cryogenically frozen to get the free-- [The man slams the door in his face.] You didn't let me finish. I was going to say "to get the free food".
---
That Guy: Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people: Sheep and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?
Zoidberg: Uh, excuse me? Which is the one people like to hug?
---
That Guy: This company's gonna shoot straight to the top and stay there, like Cindy Lauper! I ask you: Who is the number one delivery service on Earth?
Zoidberg: Is it Planet Express, master?
[That Guy laughs.]
---
That Guy: I say we do! Now are we gonna let ourselves get beaten by an old lady?
[Zoidberg bows.]
Zoidberg: Yes, my liege!
---
[Zoidberg growls.]
Zoidberg: This company's circling the drain, I tell you. I'd sell my stock right now for a sangwich!
That Guy: Sold!
[He takes a sandwich out of a Miami Vice lunchbox and hands it to Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: A complete sangwich? [He laughs.] You got fleeced! I would have settled for a hard roll with ketchup inside!
---
That Guy: I neglected to mention that the shares I bought from Dr. Zoidberg gave me majority control.
Leela: Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?
Hermes: The shares were worthless and he kept asking for toilet paper.
---
Zoidberg: Oh! I have no shares! [He cries.] Wait! My sangwich! Has it also appreciated in value? [His sandwich has turned green.] Please, oh, please!
Hermes: You didn't even refrigerate it, you spineless lobster!
Zoidberg: You had to drag spines into this!
[He cries. Fry appears on the overhead monitors. He clears his throat.]
---
[The stock price rapidly fluctuates. Tape falls from the ceiling and the Planet Express staff slide down.]
Bender: Fry! Stop doing the right thing, you jerk!
Leela: Let Mom buy the company! We all wanna be filthy, stinking rich!
Zoidberg: Trust me, two out of three doesn't cut it!
---
Zoidberg: Aha! Once again the conservative sangwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! [He eats the sandwich.] Oh! I'm ruined. [He cries.] Why? Why?
Season 3, Episode 22: The 30% Iron Chef
Farnsworth: Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring.
Zoidberg: Oh!
[He reaches out to the bottle.]
Farnsworth: Get--! [He snatches it away.] For the last time, Zoidberg, look with your eyes, not with your claws.
---
Farnsworth: Zoidberg, are you coming?
[Zoidberg stops reaching for the bottle.]
Zoidberg: Sure. Me.
Farnsworth: Because I don't want you touching that thing.
Zoidberg: I know that. [Farnsworth leaves and Zoidberg picks up the bottle.] Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg! [He wiggles his mouth flaps inside the bottle and breaks off part of the ship. He screams and cuts the bottle in half.] Oh, no! Professor will hit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then perhaps gifts! [He picks up some "Strong Force Krazy Glue" but squeezes the bottle too soon and the glue squirts all over him. He screams and steps back. He turns around and some lab equipment and a sign reading "Zoidberg: Don't Touch!" gets stuck to him.] Ow! What? Oh!
---
[Things crawl around underneath the pie crust. Enter Zoidberg wearing a uncharacteristic long coat. The lab equipment pokes out from the coat and there is a cuckoo clock behind his head.]
Zoidberg: Casual hello. It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally. [The clock goes off and the cuckoo hits Zoidberg in the face.] Ow! Ouch! Get off of me! Stop!
Leela: How interesting, Dr. Zoidberg. Do go on.
---
Zoidberg: Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship! When the Professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca. [He cries then stops.] Wait! What would the robot do? [He thinks.] Frame someone!
Fry: What up?
[Zoidberg cackle maniacally.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Bathroom. Fry is in the shower with his back to the door. Enter Zoidberg.]
Fry: (singing) I'm walking on sunshine! [He hums and gargles.] Sunshine!
[Zoidberg replaces Fry's T-shirt with one with "I Hate Bottles" printed on it and eats the original.]
---
Farnsworth: I've gathered you all here in the accusing parlour because one of you is a miniature ship wrecker.
[Zoidberg gasps.]
Zoidberg: I'm acting astonished.
---
[He holds up a piece of paper with "Fry Confesses" written on it. On the bottom of the paper "From The Desk Of Dr. John Zoidberg, M.D." is printed.]
Zoidberg: Fry, you scoundrel!
Fry: Well, I don't remember any of that but I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself.
Farnsworth: Then I have no choice but to charge you the full cost of the materials: $10.
[Zoidberg gasps. Fry takes $10 out of his wallet.]
Fry: There you go.
[Violin strains play and Zoidberg puts his claws to his head.]
Zoidberg: (shouting) What have I done?
---
Fry: Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry and I've tried everything. [He open his wallet but it is empty.] Oh, right. Never mind.
[The violin strains play again and Zoidberg puts his claws to his head.]
Zoidberg: Oh, the guilt! The unbearable guilt!
---
Everyone cheers. Zoidberg runs onto the platform next to Bender and Koji.]
Zoidberg: Wait! Everyone must know: I broke the Professor's bottled ship. [The audience gasps.] And what is worse, I framed my dearest friend, Fry! (crying) I can never repay him his ten dollars, so I must take the only honourable path. What the killing myself. [He takes Koji's sword and rips his shirt open. More gasps.] Here I go, already. [He stabs himself but the sword crumples as it hits his shell.] Huh?
Koji: Oh! That sword cost 5000 dolluu!
[Zoidberg drops the sword.]
Zoidberg: Fry did it!
[He runs away, wooping.]
Season 4
Season 4, Episode 1: Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
Kif: Oh, thank you, merciful God!
[Zoidberg flies out.]
Farnsworth: Zoidberg? What the hell were you doing in there?
Zoidberg: That's where I live. I have no home.
---
Fry: Check it out, y'all. Everyone we invited is here.
Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg!
---
Kif: Is the bond I share with my smizmar, Amy. For soon, the quivering mass of life within me will depend on us both. [He rubs his bump.] Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing. And shortly, it will rend my loins in twain, burst forth and pull us down, down, down into the deep, dark waters of commitment.
Zoidberg: That's so beautiful!
[He dries his tears with a mouth flap.]
Season 4, Episode 2: Leela's Homeworld
~
Season 4, Episode 3: Love and Rocket
[The staff each open their box and take out blue overalls.]
Amy: Clool!
Zoidberg: Clothing, delicious clothing!
[He rubs his face against it.]
---
[Scene: The cargo bay doors open and the candy hearts float out and into the quasar.]
Zoidberg: (voice-over) As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporised into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was at exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays, but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world, couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg! And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!
[As he speaks there are shots of couples on Earth: Horrible Gelatinous Blobs in Paris, mutants in sewers, Amy and Kif, Fry and Leela on the Planet Express balcony. Zoidberg joins them and puts his arms around them.]
Season 4, Episode 4: Less than Hero
Zoidberg: I've got just the thing: Genuine miracle cream I bought from a travelling salesman. [Fry and Leela squeeze some onto their hands and rub it on themselves.] "Come one, come all," he said. "Step right up!" "This sounds too good to be true," I thought. He said I looked like a smart, young man. "So is it a deal?" I enquired. Two hours later he was gone, with 60 of my dollars. But I have the miracle cream--
---
Fry: (shouting) Hey, Zoidberg, get in here!
Zoidberg: (shouting; from elsewhere) Screw you!
Season 4, Episode 5: A Taste of Freedom
This is a Zoidberg-centric episode. Link to full script here.
Season 4, Episode 6: Bender Should Not be Allowed on TV
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. A "Happy Growth-Scraping Day" banner has been hung up along the back wall. LaBarbara and Amy fly up to the ceiling on rocket packs and hang streamers. Enter Zoidberg in tramp garb.]
Zoidberg: Look who's here, everyone! It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp!
[Hermes, Leela, Farnsworth, Cubert and Dwight applaud.]
Leela: Since when are you performing at children's parties?
Zoidberg: Performing? What? Please, if someone could spare me money to buy shoes--
[The five look away and Zoidberg sighs.]
---
Bender: OK, OK, OK. Get ready for this part.
Zoidberg: Quiet, robot! Bender's on TV.
---
Fry: Pft! What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group?
[Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group.
Zoidberg: That was uncanny.
---
Hermes: Where did you requisition this party? And Zoidberg, what are you doing here?
Zoidberg: I'm networking. Let me give you my card.
[He pulls out a scrap of card with "ZoiDBERg" written on it and offers it to Sally and Nina. Neither of them take it.]
---
[The kids groans and file out along with Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: So, do you guys know about anything else going on, because I'm totally still ready to party.
Season 4, Episode 7: Jurassic Bark
Fry: Which means we can clone it! Seymour will live again!
[Leela gasps.]
Zoidberg: A little land mammal!
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender the Magnificent has sawn Dr. Zoidberg in half. Although his feet look oddly human.]
Bender: Lady and gentleman! How 'bout a hand for my temporary replacement assistant?
[Scruffy and Leela applaud. Zoidberg jumps out of one half of the box.]
Zoidberg: I was all in this part! It's magic!
[Bender beats him with his wand with each word.]
Bender: You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard!
Zoidberg: Stop!
---
Bender: Please stop crying, Fry. Here. [He hands him a coloured handkerchief which is tied to several more in his sleeve.] I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog to toy with my emotions. Oh, what have I done?
[He starts to cry.]
Zoidberg: You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up.
Season 4, Episode 8: Crimes of the Hot
[Scene: Planet Express: Balcony. The staff stand wearing swimsuits as the sun beats down. Leela stands by an empty kiddie pool.]
Zoidberg: Hurry up with the water. I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am. It's that hot, it is!
---
Zoidberg: Strange: Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? [He snaps his claws.] It's a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! [No one reacts.] I don't hear any gasping.
Leela: We all figured that out.
[Zoidberg groans.]
Season 4, Episode 9: Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles
[Zoidberg is very small and crawls along the ground.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm a teenage heartthrob again!
---
Farnsworth: Initiating controlled infection.
[He pulls a switch and the chamber coughs. The room fills with a cloud.]
Zoidberg: I'm no doctor, but this machine guy could use a lozenge.
---
Amy: Yikes!
Zoidberg: What? I'm going to revert through all my larval stages?
---
[Farnsworth opens his shirt and reveals Zoidberg attached to his chest.]
Farnsworth: Get off me, you parasitic lamprey!
Zoidberg: Oh, sure, like you need all your blood.
[Farnsworth knocks him off and he woops and slides around on the floor. The kids scream.]
---
Zoidberg: I can't see from down here, I can't.
---
Zoidberg: (shouting) The current! It's too much, already! Help!
[Zoidberg gets closer to the vortex, turns grey, cracks and breaks up like Walter Donovan in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. The babies cry.]
Farnsworth: Jeepers!
Leela: Zoidberg is dead!
Zoidberg: No! Zoidberg's brother is dead! [Zoidberg has many heads and sits on the steps.] Funny story: I just reverted to the age where my siblings budded from me and my brother Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.
---
Farnsworth: (shouting) With my last breath I curse Zoidberg!
Season 4, Episode 10: The Why of Fry
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg sits in a bathtub and Amy sits at the table reading Martians Are From Mars, Venusians Are From Venus. Enter Fry wearing his red spacesuit.]
Fry: Delivery boy Philip J. Fry, reporting for duty.
Zoidberg: Dr. Zoidberg, soaking in brine.
[He relaxes and blows brine through his blowhole. It splatters on Amy but she doesn't notice.]
Fry: What is the meaning of this? We've got a delivery, people. Let's move! Let's move! [Amy and Zoidberg hop to it. Zoidberg woops.] Amy? Mission profile? [She hands him a card and he moves it backwards and forwards. The card is a hologram of a stick person handing a parcel to a dragon.] Interesting, interesting. Dr. Zoidberg, mission bag?
Zoidberg: Packed and ready, sir.
---
Leela: We got medals! Good work, team! We really pulled together on this one.
[Bender cheers and they bump each other. Fry looks on sadly.]
Zoidberg: (whispering) They got medals.
Season 4, Episode 11: Where No Fan Has Gone Before
Zoidberg: Shut your gills!
Season 4, Episode 12: The Sting
Zoidberg: I only wish I could have removed the stinger.
[They look at Fry's body. The huge stinger sticks out of his abdomen.]
---
[She opens the locker. It is empty. The crew sigh.]
Zoidberg: Bupkis!
---
Zoidberg: One spoonful calms you down. Two spoonfuls help you sleep. But three spoonfuls and you'll go into a sleep so deep you'll never wake up. Never!
---
Zoidberg: I should warn you, I'm a mean drunk.
---
Zoidberg: (singing) Ain't got no cash,
Ain't got no style,
Ladies vomit when I smile,
But does Zoidberg worry?
Feh! You wish!
[The bee stings him.]
Bee: (singing) Bee--
Zoidberg: (singing) Happy!
---
Zoidberg: And he talked non-stop. Like a parrot of the sea, he was!
Season 4, Episode 13: Bend Her
[Scene: Madison Cube Garden. Bender and Zoidberg watch some competitors warm up on the field. All is quiet between the two.]
Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg! The robot bending events are starting. [The robots flex their robot muscles.] Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals. [A crane drops three unbendable girders into the hands of a robot. The robot bends them with little effort. Bender gasps as he watches. The robot holds up the bent girders.] Wow! That guy must be like the world's greatest bender. My dreams of glory died before they began.
Zoidberg: Welcome to my life!
[He bursts into tears.]
---
Coilette: Nice try, sister. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to meet with my wedding planner. (shouting) Zoidberg. [Enter Zoidberg with a pile of eight wedding dress catalogues.] (talking) Zoidypoo, please tell me frilly is in this year.
[Zoidberg flips through a catalogue.]
Zoidberg: I saw a frilly cake in here you would remember all your life. I know I will. Late at night it haunts me with its frosted beauty. (shouting) Order the cake, damnit!
---
Leela: (whispering) OK, is everyone ready?
Fry: Check.
Amy: Uh-huh.
Hermes: Yep!
Zoidberg: Basically.
[They split and Zoidberg scuttles off and woops. At the front, the ceremony begins.]
---
Calculon: Is there a doctor in the--
Zoidberg: I came as soon as I could. [He puts a stethoscope to Coilette's head and gasps.] It appears to be a case of African hydraulic fever!
---
[She dies in a very melodramatic and soap-y way. Zoidberg eats what is left of the buffet.]
Zoidberg: [eating] I'm a doctor, she's dead.
Season 4, Episode 14: Obsoletely Fabulous
Sinclair: (shouting; from submarine) Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The staff wait, tense.]
Zoidberg: So, I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its wing.]
---
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
Season 4, Episode 15: The Farnsworth Parabox
[Zoidberg lifts the lid slightly.]
Zoidberg: So what's in the box, already?
Farnsworth: No peeking! [He hits Zoidberg with a hammer. Zoidberg cries out in pain.]
---
Zoidberg: In my experience, boxes are usually empty. Or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time pepperoni! [He clasps his claws together.] What a day that was! [He screams and pushes Fry and Bender out of the way.] (shouting) Give me the box!
---
[Scene: Universe 1: Alley. The two Zoidbergs sit in a dumpster. Flies buzz around them.]
Zoidberg 1: So, tell me about yourself.
Zoidberg A: Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor. Ooh! A can!
[He picks up the can and slurps the contents of it.]
Zoidberg 1: As for me, I design mansions, then live in them. [He bursts into tears.] (crying) I'm lying! I'm an appalling failure!
[Zoidberg cries too.]
Zoidberg A: (crying) Me too! A big, fat one!
Zoidberg 1: And those co-workers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they, from Nob Hill?
Zoidberg A: They're all like "Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg!" "Put on pants, Zoidberg!" "Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg!"
Zoidberg 1: Oh, that box! Too good for us, is it?
Zoidberg A: Bah! Someday they'll watch from down in the gutter, they will, as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box.
Zoidberg 1: You know, maybe a certain blue lobster saw where Professor hid the box.
[Zoidberg A laughs evilly and Zoidberg 1 joins in.]
---
[Cut to: Universe 1: Alley. Zoidberg 1 sits on a bin holding the box and wearing a Slurm cup on his head. Zoidberg A bows to him.]
Zoidberg A: All hail Zoidberg, the king with the box! [He kisses Zoidberg 1's feet.] Now it's my turn, maybe?
Zoidberg 1: The box says no.
---
[They hug and cry. The Zoidbergs walk in with the right box.]
Zoidberg 1: Why with the long faces?
[Leela 1 gasps.]
Leela 1: The idiots have the box!
Zoidberg A: I think she means you.
---
Zoidberg 1: (shouting) You coward! Wait for me!
---
Zoidberg A: Quick! Into another box!
Zoidberg 1: There aren't any in this universe, there aren't. Hey, you, what with the no boxes?
---
Zoidberg A: So long, Your Majesty!
Season 4, Episode 16: Three Hundred Big Boys
Zoidberg: A fortune, it is! At last Zoidberg will live like a rich man!
[He kisses the bill and Nixon squirms on it.]
Nixon: [on bill] Hey, cut it out! Go away! Get away!
---
[Scene: Diamonds Are Forever. Randy holds a "Going Out Of Business Sale". He hands jewellery to Zoidberg.]
Randy: Try these, uh, sir.
[Zoidberg puts the rings on his mouth flaps and looks at himself in the mirror.]
Zoidberg: I ask for rich guy stuff and you give me shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu.
[He shakes the rings off and they hit Randy on the head.]
Randy: Ow!
[Zoidberg woops and scuttles out.]
---
Zoidberg: Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you.
Amy: Hey, it is kinda like that.
Zoidberg: To induce vomiting, that was the solution. Everywhere it went! [He chuckles.] What a Valentine's Day that was!
---
[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Leela strolls out of the kitchen, whistling casually. Elzar serves Zoidberg.]
Elzar: Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.
[Zoidberg sniffs the food.]
Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? [He eats it and spits it out.] Pah! Where's the goose? Where's the fish?
Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.
Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday and it didn't cost me $300! I'm not paying. [He puts on a top hat.] Farewell, good sir!
[He leaves with a very classy scuttle and woop.]
---
[Scene: Golf Club. Zoidberg swings at the ball but repeatedly misses.]
Caddy: Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir?
Zoidberg: Ah! Thank you, golf slave. [He tightens his grip and cuts through the golf club.] Bah! Rich people wouldn't waste their time on this nonsense. Plus, these eggs are gritty and tasteless.
[He spits out three golf balls and whacks them with the half club.]
---
[Zoidberg scratches the tapestry and sniffs it.]
Zoidberg: What? It's not even scratch and sniff? But if rich people think it's good, I'll buy it. [He waves his $300 around.] One art, please!
---
[Cut to: Outside Museum of Natural History. Zoidberg walks out through the fire exit and sits on a dustbin.]
Zoidberg: (crying) Oh, what a foolish squid I've been. I'm not rich. I can't even buy one measly masterpiece.
[He sobs. The hobos approach him.]
Gus: Pardon us, gent. Might a couple of hungry, hungry hobos take a feed from that aluminum snack box?
[Zoidberg gets off the bin and the hobos rummage through it.]
Zoidberg: So now I'm in the gutter, surrounded by bums who eat garbage? Money brought me no happiness. Bupkiss!
---
Zoidberg: Welcome, one and all. I finally figured out how money could make me happy. By using it to buy my hungry friends a feast.
Season 4, Episode 17: Spanish Fry
Fry: Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
Zoidberg: Why?
Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters yet longed to be one.
Zoidberg: (sadly) I can so relate to that.
[He cries and hugs Leela. She pushes him away.]
---
Zoidberg: Bender, if you want to sleep in the tent tonight, you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning.
Bender: Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. [The trees collapse on top of him.] Real comfy!
---
Zoidberg: Well I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news, so let me break it to him gently. [He shakes him.] (shouting) Fry, you have no nose! Your nose is gone! You have no nose on your face! Where it is I can't say but on your face it's not!
---
Zoidberg: Cheer up, friend. When we get home a high-quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new.
---
Fry: Blech! We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in?
[Leela stands up.]
Leela: Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it.
Zoidberg: No, I'm good.
Season 4, Episode 18: The Devil's Hands Are Idol Playthings
[Fry sits on the couch. Zoidberg picks up the phone and dials.]
Zoidberg: Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer!
Man: [on phone] Hello?
Zoidberg: Hello? I'll take eight!
---
[Zoidberg leans forward to some people in front.]
Zoidberg: I watch TV with that guy!
---
Zoidberg: (singing) I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!
---
Zoidberg: (shouting) Yes you can! The beauty was in your heart, not your hands. [Fry picks the holophonor up and plays a bad tune. A crude holo-scene forms. A crude Holo-Fry and Holo-Leela walk out of some houses and stare at each other. The audience "boos".] The music's bad and you should feel bad.
---
Tinny Tim: (shouting) Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks.
Zoidberg: I'll take eight!
Season 5
Season 5, Movie 1: Bender's Big score
Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]
Zoidberg: What? I thought it was mine!
---
Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blond and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.
Zoidberg: Tell me about it.
---
Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?
Zoidberg: Watch and learn.
[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]
---
[Bender signs "bender@ilovebender.com" under "awong76@marslink.com" and "zoidberg@freemail.net"]
---
[Zoidberg scuttles in]
Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.
Amy: That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?
Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.
[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]
Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?
Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.
[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]
---
[Flebb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]
Flebb: Ship them out, Your Highness.
Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.
[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]
---
Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.
Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.
Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.
---
Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?
Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?
Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?
Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.
Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.
[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]
---
[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown with it", then hits a wall and explodes]
Zoidberg: Aawww...
---
[Door whooshes open off screen]
Nudar: Hello.
Nudar': Howdy.
Bender: Hey! What the ...?
[Crew gasps]
Zoidberg: There was one, but now there's two.
---
Scene: exterior Dr. Zoidberg's office door]
Zoidberg [voice over]: It's the damdest thing ...
[Cut to Dr. Zoidberg's office where he's sewing Farnsworth's hand back on.]
Zoidberg: ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgecicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tuckus.
---
Hermes: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me?
Zoidberg: Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens.
---
[Scene: Zoidberg's office, Hermes' decapitated body is sitting on the gurney. Zoidberg shakes Torgo's Executive Powder into a bowl]
Hermes: Come on, mon!
Zoidberg: [pouring some liquid from Hermes' jar into the bowl] Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this.
Hermes: Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. [looking down] What are those?
[Pull back to reveal Hermes' head is on backwards]
Hermes: You incompetent crab!
Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging.
Herems: Grrrrrr....
[Scene: exterior of Zoidberg's office. Door opens and Zoidberg rushes out whooping, followed by an angry Hermes.]
---
Leela: Now it's true we'll all miss Fry.
Zoidberg: He was the only one of you who never struck me.
---
Nudar: Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed.
Zoidberg: We're not unemployed ...
---
Amy: Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now.
Zoidberg: Yes. Now.
---
Lars: Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do.
Zoidberg: I say do what it tells us. [screams and clacks claws]
---
Amy: [raising hand] Maid of honor!
Zoidberg: [raising claw an instant later] Maid of honor! Ohhh.
---
[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]
Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.
Fry: Are you okay, Leela?
Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.
Zoidberg: [angry] You stay out of my dumpster!
[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]
---
Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the yetis.
Zoidberg: Yetis? [Yetis growl from outside] Oh, yetis.
Season 5, Movie 2: The Beast With a Billion Backs
Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be?
Farnsworth: Somewhere between not at all and entirely.
Zoidberg: I call entirely. [Jumps up and screams, upsetting the coffee table. Scuttles off whooping]
---
[Fry and Colleen kiss and leave. Zoidberg retches and throws up into two buckets.]
Zoidberg: This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit from my saltwater and freshwater stomachs.
Leela: It is pretty sickening.
Zoidberg: No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy. Fry told me how he and Colleen first met.
[Fade to hover bridge, pan down to park bench with silhouettes of Fry and Zoidberg sitting]
Zoidberg: So, how did you and Colleen first meet?
Fry: Well ...
---
Amy: Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru.
Zoidberg: Mazel tov!
---
[Kiff pulls an organ from his belly. Everyone clamors. Kiff throws it, Colleen catches it. She and Fry smile at each other and share a “moment”.]
Zoidberg: Are you going to eat that? [Zoidberg eats the bouquet]
---
[Fry and red team member collide, then both fall into holes with their balls. Score it tied 2 to 2]
Zoidberg: Hooray! We're equally good!
---
Farnsworth: Congratulations, deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly!
Zoidberg: What? I thought I was playing for my freedom!
---
Zoidberg: Take the deal Fry. If there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? Even if four other guys eat the other four slices, and they're all thrusting their sweaty naked bodies against the cake?
---
Zoidberg: You look wonderful, robot! I wish I cold afford to go to a hospital. I'm dreadfully sick. [Sneezes and expels yellowish gak all over Hermes and Amy. Bender laughs and hangs his wheels on a coat rack.]
---
Farnsworth: (VO) Emergency! Emergency! Everyone to the calamatorium!
[Leela, Amy, Hermes, and Zoidberg run in. Zoidberg is whooping]
---
[Bender pins the note on a surface which turns out to be Zoidberg]
Zoidberg: Ow.
---
Grand Priestess: I am the grand funeral director!
Zoidberg: Do you validate parking?
---
[Scene: Zoidberg's office.]
Electronic Voice: Collect call from Decapod 10. Will you pay for color?
Zoidberg: No! ... Uncle Zoid! What's new? You still doing theater for the blind and deaf?
Uncle Zoid: Screw them. I got a part in a fancy DVD movie! It's only one line, but I'm gonna ham it up like you wouldn't believe.
[A tentacle waves around above his head]
Uncle Zoid: (exclaiming) What crummy sin have I committed to be chastised in such a crazy manner?
[Screen goes to snow and noise, Uncle Zoid is heard screaming.]
Zoidberg: Hello? Hello? Call me back on my shell phone! [Holds a shell up to his ear]
---
[Scenes of people fleeing from the tentacle, including PE crew.]
Zoidberg: I can't make it! Go one without me!
Leela: I'm trying! [Zoidberg has her foot. He grunts and drags him along slowly].
Zoidberg: Go on without me faster!
---
Zoidberg: Hooray, Zoidberg escaped! [A tentacle gets him] Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle! [Tentacle drags Zoindberg out].
---
Fry: Come on out, guys! There's enough love for everybody!
[Group hug with other four boyfriends]
Zoidberg: Aw. [Vomits into two buckets]
---
[Scene: Tentacle cathedral. Amy and Colleen prepare Fry. Enter Zoidberg carrying a clipboard and a staff.]
Zoidberg: You're on in five minutes, Excellency. You sure you don't want your comedy pope staff? [The staff curls up and makes a slide whistle noise]
Fry: The tentacle monster is about the address the world. It's too serious.
Zoidberg: Oh. [The staff curls up and makes a slide whistle noise]
---
Zoidberg: We're rolling in three, two ...What? We're already rolling? [Sneaks out of picture]
---
Yivo: Attention, beings of Universe Gamma.
Zoidberg: Where?
Yivo: Here.
Zoidberg: I had a hunch.
---
Yivo: Really? I'm ... I'm deeply sorry. I ... I'm a big clumsy jerk!
Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am I? (chuckles)
---
Hermes: Look, fantastical golden escalators.
Zoidberg: I love this part.
---
Leela: Am I the only one who things this is all a sham?
Zoidberg: Yes.
---
Zoidberg: [loading up a tray at the All You can Eat Forever buffet table] You get an infinite number of meat dishes, and a free refill on the soda.
Season 5, Movie 3: Bender's Game
Leela: I don't care what the Professor says. We're entering that demolition derby to prove our ship isn't a piece of junk.
Zoidberg: But won't that turn our ship into a piece of junk?
Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg. He's right, Leela.
---
Zoidberg: Using this magneto, I will now guide the keys up the thorax and out via the frontal face hole. That's the storage locker, the boat, the other boat, pay dirt!
---
Leela: Now, I'll use the magnet to get the keys back in there.
Zoidberg: What? You mean I cut a big hole in him for nothing? [He begins placing organs back in Farnsworth's body.]
---
Leela (Into her Wristlojakimater): Leela to Zoidberg. Execute Distraction Protocol Alpha.
Zoidberg (From Wristlojakimater): Roger that.
[Zoidberg enters the room. He's balancing on a purple yoga ball while juggling four flaming torches.]
Zoidberg: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Ooh! [He falls and lands against the curtain. A torch sits next to him.] Don't look at me.
[The torch sets the whole curtain a blaze and it is quickly consumed. Hermes gasps.]
---
Farnsworth: That's not the point. Your temper is out of control. And to think I'd have never even known if it weren't for the lengthy and unsolicited tattling of Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: She also took home two rolls of Scotch tape.
Farnsworth: Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg.
---
Hermes: Sorry, it's the only collar they had in stock at Office Depot.
Zoidberg: I hope you picked up some Scotch tape while you were there.
Bender: That's a good one.
[He puts his arms around Zoidberg and laughs as Leela struggles to her feet. She grabs Bender's arm and activates the shock collar sending the charge through Bender and to Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams in pain as he is shocked.]
---
Zoidberg: Well, here's your problem, right here. You've got a skull embedded in your head.
Leela: [Annoyed sigh.] You're absolutely right, Doctor. Can the collar come off now?
Zoidberg: Let me just peel your head a little and see if I can get that skull out. [He pulls a large potato peeler. He prepares to "fix" Leela's problem, but she gets angry and activates the shock collar while kicking the utensil out of his grip. It flies into the groin of an upside down poster of the human body.]
Zoidberg: So, you tell me, little miss expert, why always with the temper? Calm down for once and think. Here, enjoy a relaxing spritz from my empathy bladder. [She is squirted with a light green liquid and the collar emits a shock. Leela isn't phased by it.]
Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger?
Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you. [The collar emits a shock.]
Zoidberg: I'm beginning to understand. It all goes back to your parents.
Leela: What? [The collar is intermittently shocking her now.]
Zoidberg: You harbour resentment because they pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man. [He dances around and sings a tune then falls to his knees and sobs.] Why? Whyyy?
Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago.
Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them. (To an intercom:) Amy, cancel my appointments.
---
Turanga Munda: Would you like a napkin, Doctor?
Zoidberg: Thank you.
Leela: Satisfied, Zoidberg? My relationship with my parents is fine.
Turanga Munda: Now, hold on, Leela. Maybe this torture collar is good for you.
Leela: What? [ she is shocked.] Ow!
Turanga Munda: It'll control your temper. Men like a woman who's not always slamming their head in the car door.
Turanga Morris: She's right. That's what first attracted me to your mother. [He laughs and Leela's collar emits a shock.]
Turanga Munda: So, Leela, I understand your friend here is a physician, and I'm not seeing a ring on his claw.
Leela: Mom, he's a cockroach from outer space. [A large shock is dispensed and Leela screams.]
Zoidberg: Good, Leela, work that anger out. Excuse me a moment, I'm swarming with parasites. [He sticks his fork under a flap on his chest and many bugs crawl around it. There is a knock on the window, Turanga Morris answers it.]
---
Zoidberg: Someone do something.
Leela: I would, but... [She is shocked.] Ow! Take my collar off.
Zoidberg: I can't, I'm still eating. [He shovels food into his mouth and Bender attacks him by smashing his head with the shield.] Help me, Leela.
[Leela prepares to attack Bender, but is brought to the floor by a shock from the collar. She chokes to get it off.]
Bender: I cast upon thee a spell of fireball! [He burps behind a lit candle in Leela's direction. The fireball sets the couch, then house on fire. Bender has them cornered and uses his arm as a bow to fire utensils at the group. The all struggle to dodge the shots, but a spoon strike Zoidberg in the forehead. Bender readies to fire a spork.]
Zoidberg: No. Not the spork.
---
Fry: Bender, no. When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won't make you cool?
Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'm a doctor. I'm sure the robut will be just fine with a little help.
---
Zoidberg: Friends, friends, stop everything. There's food in this shaker. [He begins sucking the salt out of a salt shaker, accidentally swallows it and sneezes mucus all Leela, who becomes angry and is administered a shock.]
---
Farnsworth: Really? I didn't think anyone was interested. It all started 30-odd years ago. [Farnsworth starts a VO. Fade to a flashback of Farnsworth sitting at a desk. He is molding a chemistry model and Mom joins him, similar to the scene from Ghost.] I was working in Mom's laboratories for the third time after twice before realizing how evil she was and vowing never to work for her again. But somehow the rich, wrong stench of her boney charms kept calling me back.
[Everybody announces their disgust.]
Zoidberg: Don't stop, Professor. I'm getting aroused. [His mating fin rises.]
---
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Amy: You perfected dog mascara?
Farnsworth: Far from it. If you ask me, they look like a bunch of hookers. But what I have invented is a means of locating the missing crystal. [Everybody gasps.] When I push this button, the crystal will emit a high-frequency stink.
Zoidberg: [He is putting on eye mascara.] Hurray!
---
Frydo: Well, at least we didn't have to face the tunneling whatchimacallit. [The cave begins to shake.] Uh-oh.
[Zoidberg's head pokes out from behind a wall.]
Zoidberg: Enough already with the banging and the swashbuckling.
[He crawls over the wall to reveal he's a large, centepede-esque creature. Everybody screams as he stand in front of them.]
Leegola: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you. [she shoots an arrow into his chest and he snaps it off.]
Zoidberg: Watch where you're shooting that thing. [She shoots him again.] Again? What, am I talking to myself over here?
Leegola: Mutilate! [She draws her sword and begins stabbing his belly.]
Zoidberg: Okay. Now, I'm getting a little mad even.
[He makes noises as he snatches up the five of them with his claws. Leegola gets loose.]
Leegola: I'll kill you and eat your heart, you abomination. [She slices his chest open, pulls out his heart and tears a chunk out with her teeth.]
Zoidberg: [He laughs.] Don't make me laugh. The very idea that removing only one of my two hearts could... Hey, what are you doing down there? [Leegola pulls out his second heart and drops it.] Now, I'm dead. [He falls to the ground, but Leegola is still stabbing him.]
Frydo: Leela, it's over. You killed him enough.
Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror.
Zoidberg: What? I'm not the Tunneling Horror. I hate that guy. Always with the tunneling. Anyway, I'm dead. [He lays back down.]
Leegola: So, you're just an innocent monster. Oh, God. What have I done?
[The cave starts rumbling.]
Zoidberg: Oh! There he goes again.
---
Leegola: No, no more killing.
Zoidberg: Oh! So, suddenly, Miss Goody Four-shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago. What am I? Chopped liver?
Leegola: Shut up. [She slashes into his chest.]
Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver.
---
Frydo: They's following us's.
Zoidberg Head: You know, you talk like that, it's gonna cost you points at a job interview.
Frydo: What does it wants?
Zoidberg Head: First of all, I resent being called "it." I prefer jerkhole or simply [Disgusted noise.] Second, I thought I could help you destroy the die, maybe.
---
Frydo: I'm too exhausted. I can't go on.
Zoidberg Head: I'm here for you, my friend. I'll drag you onward. Even to my last ounce of strength. Grab onto my testicles.
Frydo: You know, I think maybe I can walk after all.
'Momon: (From the die:) That's not Wipe Castle. [She gasps.] The dodeca-call is coming from inside the house.
[Frydo grunts as he works his way to the top of a ledge over the lava. Momon hears him and screams as she spots him across the cave.]
Zoidberg Head: What are you waiting for, Frydo? Throw it already in the boiling plastic.
Frydo: I would. But... (In raspy voice:) Me's enjoys owning it.
Zoidberg Head: Stop talking like that. It gives me anxiety. [He launches himself at Frydo and bites his tushie.]
---
Frydo: So, it's all come down to this. A dungeon and dragons.
Zoidberg Head: I didn't see it coming.
---
Zoidberg Head: [He picks up the die.] I got it. Now I can throw it in the hot thing over there and be the hero. On the other hand, infinite power might be nice.
---
Zoidberg Head: [While jumping and spinning between Frydo and Momon.] I have all the dice. I am the dungeon master. I know all and see... [He is squished by the falling Greyfarn. The die rolls away from him and Momon quickly snatches it up.]
Season 5, Movie 4: Into the Wild Green Yonder
Professor Farnsworth: Is he badly hurt, Dr. Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: I don't quite know how to say this. (Sobbing:) Fry is dead!
[Everybody starts sobbing, but then Fry groans and wakes up.]
Zoidberg: Wait, not dead. The other thing.
---
Zoidberg: Look out, Vegas, I've got a system. [He inserts a quarter and pulls the lever while laughing. The rolls of the machine land on "OUT OF ORDER," "OUT OF ORDER" and "NO REFUNDS."] Oh. I'm bankrupt.
Fry: [He chuckles.] You said it, Hermes. He is pathetic, but lovable.
Hermes: Yup. What? I said no such thing, mon.
---
Hermes: Line up, people! Everyone take a shovel and one sixth of the planet. We'll meet back here in 50 years, our bodies broken and our lives wasted.
Zoidberg: And you say these are free shovels?
---
Zoidberg: Now for a triple clam dip, with a double - [The ball smashes into his head and knocks him on his back.] OW! [He falls off the diving board and lands on the concrete surrounding the pool.] OW!
---
Zoidberg: :[He picks it up and laughs.] Squirm all you want, you nasty dumpling. One less species for the universe, one more breakfast for...
Leela: Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: Leela. Me saving things the leech. Not the eating of it.
Leela: Zoidberg, I'm very surprised at you, slightly.
---
Leela: Goodbye, sweet goofbag.
[She walks over to the Camper, knocks twice and gets pulled in. They fly away. Zoom out of just Fry standing on the sidewalk to show Zoidberg and Bender are there as well.]
Bender: :[He sighs.] I'll miss her, too, buddy. Dibs on her iPod.
Zoidberg: Dibs on her- ohh...
---
Farnsworth: Hold out your hands and I'll remove your career chips.
Zoidberg: I hate to see it come to an end. [His chip is removed and he screams in agony.] When will it end?
---
Leela: Under the articles of the confemiracy, we hereby wo-mandeer this ship.
Zoidberg: Oh, no, you don't. It's three against three.
[Many other Feministas drop through a second hole and land on the the manly trio.]
---
Hermes: The shot was too good! We're jamming straight for the hole.
Zoidberg: We're gonna crash, even.
---
Leela: Crud nuggets! We de-spaced right next to the Nimbus.
Zoidberg: Just when you think the chase is over, it gets twice as exciting!
---
Leela: Look! The asteroid. Now it's crawling with life. Like Zoidberg's sandals!
---
Zoidberg: Say, what's that violet-colored dwarf-like star thing we're drifting into?
Leela: The violet dwarf star!
Fry: Of course. The gorilla was the 18th hole, so we're headed into the ball return.
Zoidberg: Aye, what else now can go wrong?
[The ship shakes and there is a loud crash.]
---
Zoidberg: We finished un-pinking the ship, Hubert. Now what?
Farnsworth: Now we get back to work. And if that means destroying an ecosystem or two, so be it.
Zoidberg: I just meant without our good friends Fry, Leela, Amy and the robut.
Season 6
Season 6, Episode 1: Rebirth
Farnsworth: Of course, that was the Panama Wormhole, Earth's central channel for shipping!
[Zoidberg laughs.]
Zoidberg: How humorous.
Farnsworth: Yes! It's sort of a Comedy Central channel, and we're on it now!
---
Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Hermes, my friend! Let me cut off your umbilical cord. [He cuts off something of Hermes] Oops.
---
Amy: And yet, it still hasn't stopped the elusive bathroom burglar.
Zoidberg: [with toilet paper in his mouth] Maybe he's just trying to feed his family. [ate the toilet paper]
---
Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, can you note the time and declare the patient legally dead?
Zoidberg: Can I? That's my specialty.
---
Fry (gasps): I'm a robot, too!
Zoidberg: [picking up an x-ray of Robot Fry] Aha! That explains this growth on your drive shaft.
Season 6, Episode 2: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela
Zoidberg: Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a "death sphere"?
---
Amy: Well, I guess it's time to indulge in some end-of-the-world debauchery. Who's up for an orgy?
[Everyone obliges excitedly, but then have second thoughts.]
Zoidberg: Maybe a Parcheesi tournament.
Farnsworth: Belay that Parcheesi tournament! I've identified the death sphere! We may yet have a faint hope of survival!
Zoidberg: Still, a Parcheesi tournament.
Season 6, Episode 3: Attack of the Killer App
Bender: Down in front!
[Zoidberg is seen with the fin on his head.]
Zoidberg: Sorry, I get aroused in crowds.
[The fin disappears.]
Poopenmeyer: I will now
---
Zoidberg: But if Leela should find out, her dignity sac will rupture.
---
Zoidberg: Don't feel bad. At least you're not Leela.
Season 6, Episode 4: Proposition Infinity
Zoidberg: Bender, old friend. What's on your face?
---
Fry: Hey, where's Amy and Bender?
Zoidberg: They're missing out on some hot pickle action. [He licks his mouth flaps.]
---
Hermes: Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what happens between two consenting adults.
Zoidberg: Or one!
---
Bender: Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? Blech.
Zoidberg: I guess we should have waited in the ship.
---
Zoidberg: [He is admiring Amy's ring] Such a stone. Is it real? [Amy pulls up Zoidberg's coat and uses the diamond to cut through Zoidberg's skin, revealing his internal organs.] Horray!
Season 6, Episode 5: The Duh-Vinci Code
Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I just brought the original. [He drags in a stone slab with the Last Supper on it.]
Zoidberg: Jesus Christ! ...and his Twelve Apostles!
---
Zoidberg: Maybe da Vinci painted over something else. It's called a pentimento.
Farnsworth: That's true, Dr. Zoidberg. How did you know that?
Zoidberg: My doctorate is in Art History.
---
Leela: My God! Saint James was a robot!
Zoidberg: My God! da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue.
Season 6, Episode 6: Lethal Inspection
Bender: Impossible! I'm triple sealed to prevent any chance of ... [He looks behind him and shrieks. He is leaking oil.]
Zoidberg: You call that an ink defense? [His coat tears off and he sprays ink everywhere and scuttles off] Goodbye, friends!
---
Zoidberg: So you wish you were never born, maybe?
Bender: Yes, anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time!
Zoidberg: Then suicide it is. Step into my office. I'll give you a nice Kervorking.
Season 6, Episode 7: The Late Philip J. Fry
Zoidberg: The three coworkers I liked... all dead!
---
Old Zoidberg: I've been crunching the numbers on our transgalactic strategy—
Old Leela: What are you doing here? I laid you off twenty years ago.
[Zoidberg flees. But he can't keep it up.]
Old Zoidberg: Oh, the claws can't flee like they used to.
Season 6, Episode 8: That Darn Katz!
Zoidberg: I'm petting mine down to the bone. [He strokes a cat, causing hair to be chopped off.]
---
Zoidberg: But we're plotzing here!
Season 6, Episode 8: A Clockwork Origin
Zoidberg: [He and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.] Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! [Cubert looks at him, deadpan.] What, too soon?
Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.
Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.
---
Ben Beeler: Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. [The crowd chuckles weakly.]
Zoidberg: [To Cubert.] He's good.
---
Zoidberg: Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch.
Cubert: Why don't you just go to Hell!
Zoidberg: Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they?
---
Zoidberg: Hello, I remembered you like superheroes so I painted you a mural on your wall. [He points to a crude drawing of himself and Cubert in costume.] This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working?
Cubert: This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt!
Zoidberg: [Sadly.] Father-Man away. [He scuttles off. Cubert looks ashamed.]
---
Cubert: Dr. Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg... I mean, loser. [Zoidberg comes out of his dumpster.]
Zoidberg: Go on.
Cubert: It's just that I get bullied a lot. I guess I kinda make fun of people as a defense mechanism.
Brett Blob: Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion? [He laughs.]
Cubert: Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit.
[Brett's insides start boiling and he pushes himself through a fence, coming towards Cubert. Cubert sees this and backs away, whimpering.]
Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know just how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared. I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new? [He bursts into tears.]
Brett: [He laughs.] The pee-babies peed themselves. I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.
Zoidberg: And that's that.
Cubert: Woah! You're like some kind of dumpster Jedi.
Zoidberg: So, you wanna come in maybe? [He opens the other lid.] I've got a nice pound cake with a footprint on it.
---
Farnsworth: Then it's settled. Finally, a world in which I'm happy to raise my son!
Zoidberg: Good, cause I'm sick of him!
[Closing Credits.]
Zoidberg: [Over credits.] I'm serious. He's a terrible person.
Season 6, Episode 10: The Prisoner of Benda
Bender: A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires.
Zoidberg: Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job. [He takes an eel out of a bucket label "Aquarium Garbage" and wraps it around himself like a cravat.]
---
Fry: Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body.
Zoidberg: Friends! Friends! I've got barnacles on my tuchus! [He shows them.]
Hermes: The long search is over.
---
Zoidberg: Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why. [He and Fry switch bodies.]
---
Zoidberg: [in Fry’s body.] Robot?
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Yes, 'tis I, Bender. Do you not recognize your own best friend?
Zoidberg: [in Fry’s body.] Aha! The guy in this body has a friend! Bender, old pal! It's me, the Fry! [He hugs Nikolai.]
---
Zoidberg: [in Fry's body.] Well, Bender, here's our apartment that we live in everyday. [He opens the door and looks inside.] A floor? We live like kings?
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Kings? Silence! Like you, I'm a common lout. Now fetch me some working-class cognac from our brandy storeroom that you know how to find.
Zoidberg: [in Fry's body.] [He starts looking in the dishwasher, which he breaks and rips off the wall. Nikolai screams as the kitchen starts to flood.] Relax, Bender. I'll dry up that leak with this heating box. [He rips the oven off the wall and places it where the dishwasher was. Gas starts leaking.]
Season 6, Episode 11: Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences
Zoidberg: This is wonderful!
Fry: It is, isn't it? Wait, those are the ads.
Zoidberg: These X-ray specs will really take the guesswork out of surgery. No more chopping blindly in the goop.
Prof. Farnsworth: Don't waste your allowance, Zoidberg. This stuff is butt-grade crap.
---
Nerd: What are you doing? [He pulls the toy out of Zoidberg's mouth.] That's the rare Zapp Brannigan with recording session blooper! [He presses a button on the figure.]
Action Figure: Don't tell me how to do the line. It sickens me.
Zoidberg: But the sign said there was a mint in the box.
---
Grrrl: [She runs up.] Come back, Lrrr! I wanna have your Popplers! They'll never be anyone but you! [She looks at Zoidberg.] Hello.
Zoidberg: Of course I'll marry you!
Season 6, Episode 12: The Mutants are Revolting
Mrs. Astor: I shall take it here, under my fork.
[Bender uses his extensomatic arms to deliver the soufflé. He withdraws into his chest and the rest of the crew hides behind him. Mrs. Astor eats a bite.]
Zoidberg: Where's the exploding?
---
Amy: We were sentence to two weeks in the sewer for harboring a mutant.
[Zoidberg floats down while holding an umbrella.]
Zoidberg: Three dollars at the drug store.
---
Leela: How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a camel hump or a Zoidberg face.
Zoidberg: Urgh!
---
Zoidberg: Maybe we can plotz in that giant cockle. [He points to a bus.]
---
Zoidberg: Well, everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye. [He removes the skeleton.]
---
Fry: I think I'm knowing what it's like to be a mutant.
[The boat gets to shore and the rest of the crew walks to the dock.]
Zoidberg: So, what's with all the screaming?
---
Zoidberg: Horray! A happy ending for the rich people!
Season 6, Episode 13: The Futurama Holiday Spectacular
(Non-canon)
Zoidberg: What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking? [A loud, boring sound is heard. Leela adjusts the mirror so that she can see an huge, albino (red-eyed, white) worm-looking thing.]
---
Hermes: I'm glad you all could be here with my family. Kwanzaa traditions are quite ancient, dating back over 1,000 years.
Fry: Woah!
Zoidberg: If only someone could tell us more about these traditions. [He turns to the wall.]
---
Kwanzaa-bot: And I'm gonna tell you all how we celebrate Kwanzaa. Zoidberg, lay down a beat.
Zoidberg: How about I just lay down?
---
Queen: Man, my hive's been going buck-wild since these blood-ganking butt crabs moved in.
[She shows them the crabs on her but. They groan in disgust.]
Zoidberg: Been there, done that.
---
Zoidberg: Hurray! Kwanzaa-bot's here to save— [A squishing noise is heard.] Aw, they killed him.
Season 6, Episode 14: The Silence of the Clamps
Bender: Goodbye, Professor. [Bender and Professor Farnsworth shake hands.] Before I leave, I just want you to know I've never done any work whatsoever. [Bender walks up to Zoidberg.] Zoidberg, I know it seems like I can't stand you. [Bender walks up to Leela and holds her hands.] Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now.
Leela: Oh, Lord.
---
Professor Farnsworth: Snipping? [Professor Farnsworth laughs and turns to Zoidberg.] Looks like you may be out of a job, Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg laughs ironically.]
Zoidberg: That's all good fun. But, of course, a clamp is no substitute for the precision of a genuine—
[Amy stands up.]
Amy: Francis, would you do the honours?
[Amy holds a crying baby who still has an umbilical cord. Clamps prepares to cut the cord, but Zoidberg quickly does it instead of him, alarming Amy. The baby stops crying.]
Zoidberg: [to Clamps, screaming] Stay off my turf!
---
Zoidberg: [off camera] Greetings, Francis. [Zoidberg walks up to Clamps. Clamps looks at him.] Sorry if I was a little hostile before, but snipping is the only reason I'm even tolerated around here. Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers!
---
Leela: Oh! You know who could help with that?! [Leela looks at the others. Zoidberg walks up to Leela and Sheriff Burley and claws three times.] Francis!
[Zoidberg looks shocked. The camera zooms out, revealing Clamps. Clamps laughs and helps Sheriff Burley cut the rope. Zoidberg is crestfallen.]
---
Zoidberg: [off camera] Drop the Robut. [Clamps looks to his right. Zoidberg claws five times.] I thought I told you. I do the cutting around here.
[Clamps lets go of Billy West. Billy West falls down. Clamps stands in front of Zoidberg. A tumbleweed rolls to the left and then to the right. Amy, Fry, Leela, Professor Farnsworth, and Hermes show up, gasp, run towards a water tank, and hide behind it, peeking out at the showdown. Clamps clamps a bird that flies by. Zoidberg claws another and eats it. Close-up on each one's face. Fry, Leela, Hermes, and Amy are scared, looking at Clamps and Zoidberg. Professor Farnsworth is scared, looking away.]
Clamps: Scuttle on home. [Clamps points at Zoidberg with his left clamp.] This ain't none of your business, Slick.
[Zoidberg points at himself with his right claw.]
Zoidberg: My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. [Zoidberg looks up.] [screaming] John [beep sound]-ing Zoidberg!
[Zoidberg screams as he jumps towards Clamps.]
Fry: Stop, Zoidberg! [Leela looks at Fry with interest.] You'll hurt Francis!
[Leela looks at Fry with disappointment. Clamps' clamp and Zoidberg's claw engage. They begin fighting.]
Clamps: Oh, yeah? Take this! That that!
Zoidberg: [quickly, repeatedly] Oy!
Clamps: Why, you lousy— [Zoidberg throws Clamps through a window with HARDWARE painted on it, partially destroying it. Clamps emerges with vises on his body, shakes them off, screams, and jumps at Zoidberg, making him fall on a water tank. Zoidberg emerges with lobsters on his body, shakes them off, screams, and attacks Clamps.] I'm gonna clamp ya!
[Clamps drives Zoidberg to his knees and clamps his head. Zoidberg makes a crustacean noise.]
Zoidberg: [screaming] Oy! [Zoidberg's head is almost broken.] Ow. Ow. Ow.
[Clamps laughs.]
Clamps: Looks like an all-you-can-kill lobster fest.
Zoidberg: That offer was for a limited time only.
[Zoidberg's fin comes out of his head, making Clamps take his clamps off it. Zoidberg puts his claws around Clamps' clamps, stands up, and claws them. Clamps screams and falls on his knees.]
---
Fry: Why, Zoidberg?! Why?!
[Zoidberg points at Clamps with his left claw.]
Zoidberg: Because our friend Francis here is in reality... A bad murderer.
[Fry looks surprised. Billy West and the Crushinator walk up to them.]
---
Bender: Woo! [Bender stands up, opens the pizza box, and grabs a cutter from a pocket in his apron.] I'll just cut that.
[Zoidberg hits the table with his right claw, scaring the others, and points at Bender with his left claw.]
Zoidberg: You do and I'll [beep sound]-ing gut you like a fish!
Season 6, Episode 15: Mobius Dick
Lando Tucker: We'll deliver that package or die trying.
[Zoidberg, who has brown hair resembling that of Fonzie from Happy Days and is wearing a pair of shorts, enters and walks up to Candy, Lifter, and Lando Tucker.]
Zoidberg: Eh! It's all my favourite patients. And also Captain Tucker. Pow!
[Lifter and Lando Tucker laugh.]
Candy: Whoa!
[Candy and Zoidberg high-five. Lando Tucker points at Zoidberg.]
Lando Tucker: You totally got me, Dr. John. [Lando Tucker crosses his arms.] You're hilarious.
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room, 3011. Hermes, Amy, Fry, Bender, and Leela turn to Zoidberg.]
Hermes: Zoidberg was popular?!
Amy: Zoidberg had hair?!
---
Hermes: Incredible! [Hermes turns to his right.] Zoidberg had friends?!
[Hermes shrugs.]
Zoidberg: It was a different time.
[Zoidberg shrugs.]
---
Zoidberg: Aw! Don't make me remember! So horrible, it was.
[Zoidberg screeches and falls down.]
---
Leela: Or die trying.
Zoidberg: We're gonna try— What?
[Bender, Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes look scared.]
---
Zoidberg: Aw... I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot.
[Zoidberg puts his claws around his head. The dials go in both directions. The camera zooms out, revealing Amy.]
---
Zoidberg: I remember. I remember! [Zoidberg walks up to the table.] This is what traumatised me. Such a meal to got to waste! [Zoidberg takes his helmet off, throws it away, and eats the food.] And, with that... [Zoidberg burps.] I have closure.
[Zoidberg's fin appears.]
Amy: Hey, Zoidberg. You're cockatieling.
[Amy points at Zoidberg's fin. Zoidberg turns to his left.]
Zoidberg: Oh, no. [Zoidberg blinks.] Something's happening! [Zoidberg looks around.] What's happening?!
[Zoidberg looks up.]
[Cut to: Space. The first Planet Express ship and the current Planet Express ship are seen. The camera zooms out, revealing a black hole. A gigantic sperm whale emerges out of the black hole and whistles.]
[Cut to: The first Planet Express ship kitchen. Amy, Bender, Fry, Hermes, and Leela gasp. The sperm whale passes by the window.]
Zoidberg: Oh, right! And there was a giant killer space whale.
---
Zoidberg: Relax, friends.
[Cut to: Space. Another black hole appears. The space whale emerges out of it and whistles.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express ship bridge. Hermes is typing at a computer, the screen of which shows the space whale. Zoidberg's fin appears. Zoidberg looks at it.]
Zoidberg: Panic, jerks!
---
Leela: That's it! [Leela stands up.] I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and—
[Fry and Hermes jump at Leela.]
Zoidberg: Aw! So close.
---
Zoidberg: Hello.
[Cut to: The Planet Express laboratory. Professor Farnsworth cuts the hair on the left side of Zoidberg's head with scissors on his left hand.]
Professor Farnsworth: Think, Zoidberg. [Professor Farnsworth rotates Zoidberg to the left.] You must remember something!
[Professor Farnsworth puts both his hands on Zoidberg's shoulders. Zoidberg is sitting on a chair.]
Zoidberg: No! Nothing! For all I know, our friends could've been eaten by some kind of crazy space whale!
[Professor Farnsworth gets to the back of the chair, pulls the scissors out of his jacket with his right hand, cuts the hair on the right side of Zoidberg's head, hits a table with his left hand, and puts the scissors on his right hand on it.]
Professor Farnsworth: Damn that Bermuda Tetrahedron! [Professor Farnsworth grabs a shaving machine with his left hand.] It's taken my latest crew just as it took my first one!
[Professor Farnsworth shaves Zoidberg's head.]
Zoidberg: Not to mention those single socks from the dryer. Am I right?
[Professor Farnsworth hits Zoidberg.]
---
Professor Farnsworth: Welcome, everyone. [Zoidberg is eating a popsicle.] What a pleasure to see so many miserable faces.
Zoidberg: Mmm! Lemony!
---
Zoidberg: Oh, no! [Zoidberg stands up.] My deal is doing the thing!
[All look up. A black hole appears. The four-dimensional space whale emerges out of it.]
Professor Farnsworth: Good Lord! It's some kind of inter-dimensional space whale!
[Professor Farnsworth shrugs.]
Zoidberg: I just remembered. [Zoidberg's fin disappears.] That's the guy! [Zoidberg grows unkempt, brown hair.] Oy! Now with the horror hair.
---
Zoidberg: That sounds clever, but it doesn't explain much.
[Zoidberg shrugs.]
Leela: Shut up, Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Okay.
Season 6, Episode 16: Law and Oracle
Fry: [voice-over] After centuries as a delivery boy, nothin' surprises me.
[The little boy is run over by a bus. The caption GAME OVER appears on screen, followed by F.B.I. WARNING: WINNERS DON'T PLAY VIDEOGAMES.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Fry is playing an arcade game called DELIVERY COMMAND.]
Zoidberg: You stink, loser.
---
Roberto: What? A fella can't drop in on ol' friends and hold 'em hostage?
[Roberto positions his knife in front of Zoidberg's neck.]
Zoidberg: [calm] I'm good! And you?
---
Roberto: [off-camera] And, every five minutes I don't get it, someone's gonna get stabbed in the ass!
Zoidberg: [off-camera] He's bluffing. [A stabbing sound is heard.] Ouch!
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Zoidberg looks terrified as Roberto threatens him.]
Zoidberg: He's not bluffing!
---
Zoidberg: Hooray! Free sky sticks! [A lightsaber falls on Zoidberg's head, ridding him of his crust.] Ooh. [Zoidberg points his finger accusingly.] Police brutality!
---
Professor Farnsworth: No, I just said that for Fry's benefit. May the poor fellow feel better about his pointless job.
[Leela and Amy nod with their eyes closed.]
Hermes: As much as I miss 'im, he didn't really serve much purpose around here. [Leela and Amy open their eyes.] Though he did walk Zoidberg.
[The camera pans over to Zoidberg, who is biting on a leash and whining. Zoidberg spits out the leash.]
---
Zoidberg: Things used to be funny around here! Noses were picked. Pants fell down. So what changed? Only Fry could say... And he's gone!
Season 6, Episode 17: Benderama
Hermes: So there it is, people. Due to budget cutbacks, we will no longer be offering free squid guts in the kitcken.
[Zoidberg bursts out sobbing. The Professor hustles in.]
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo! Everyone, look at my latest invention.
[The Professor puts down a machine resembling an overhead projector. It is labelled BANACH-TARSKI DUPLA-SHRINKER.]
Zoidberg: [monotonously] Okay.
---
Leela: I just like having the end locker. It's not like Amy cares about it at all. But no, she won't trade with me.
Zoidberg: A rat!
Leela: Yes! She is a rat!
Zoidberg: No! Look!
---
Hermes: You wanna see a picture of my boy?
Zoidberg: Sure. [Hermes shows him a photograph.] That's your penis!
Hermes: That's my boy!
---
Zoidberg: You're projecting an air of something.
[Zoidberg waves hid hand in front of his face.]
Season 6, Episode 18: The Tip of the Zoidberg
This is a Zoidberg-centric episode. Full script is here.
Season 6, Episode 19: Ghost in the Machines
~
Season 6, Episode 20: Neutopia
Zoidberg: [quickly] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! [with a normal speed] So what's the deal with airline food, hmm? They offer you two choices, but they're always outta one. Uh, by the way, we're outta both choices.
---
Big rock Alien: I am not familiar with this concept of gender. My species has only a single gender, known as nuchacho.
Zoidberg: Interesting. [furiously] Come on, men! Let's kill him!
---
Zoidberg: [angrily] Would one of you chicks change the thermostat?
---
Zoidberg: My gonopores! Look it up.
Season 6, Episode 21: Yo Leela Leela
Zoidberg: Look, friends! I accidentally learned to tap-dance!
[Zoidberg begins tap-dancing. Fry resumes playing "When the Saints Go Marching In" with his trombone.]
Season 6, Episode 22: Fry Am the Egg Man
Fry: FERTILE? What does that mean?
Zoidberg: It means it'll hatch into a tiny, little infant creature. Unless we cook it first. Hey, Leela! Hurry up with those scrambled infants!
Fry: What?! That's horrifying! Zoidberg, you're an in-Human monster.
Zoidberg: What are you? My driver's license?
---
Zoidberg: Yeah, come down off your round, white pulpit! You're just gonna eat that thing, anyway!
---
Fry: Look: I know 'e's ugly and kinda corrosive, but we can't murder someone just 'cause he's hideous an' annoying.
Amy: That's what we said about Zoidberg and look what that got us.
Zoidberg: Amy has a point.
Fry: Mr. Peppy's not like Zoidberg. He's my friend.
Zoidberg: Aw!
---
Professor Farnsworth: The bad news, everyone, is the beast reproduces asexually. A single bone vampire, left alone with some quiet music and some bone-vampire porn, could produce dozens of deadly offspring.
Zoidberg: That lucky bastard. I say kill it!
Fry: But it loves me! And I love it.
Zoidberg: Kill 'em both!
---
Zoidberg: We're not from around here. Hello!
---
Zoidberg: Fry, I know you're upset right now, but I hope you'll consider donating the body to science dinner.
---
Zoidberg: UNKNOWN! Hey. What's that bone-sucking sound?
Season 6, Episode 23: All the Presidents' Heads
Zoidberg: Hey, hey, LBJ. You wanna get drunk?
Lyndon Johnson's head: Oh, hell, yeah. [Zoidberg begins drinking the water in Lyndon Johnson's jar.] Whoa!
Professor Farnsworth: Zoidberg, no! [Professor Farnsworth and Amy run towards Zoidberg.] The effects of jar juice aren't fully understood!
[Professor Farnsworth and Amy separate Zoidberg and Lyndon Johnson's head. Amy puts Lyndon Johnson's jar on top of another jar.]
Zoidberg: Uh... Not bad. A hint of vitalis and—
[Zoidberg screams. Zoidberg's eyes turns to plasma, but go back to normal in a moment. However, a plasma sphere has appeared in his chest. The plasma sphere becomes larger, consuming him, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy whole, becomes brighter, dazzling Leela and Bender, and disappears.]
---
Zoidberg: Right on! Say, you got any real soup or just this schlock?
---
Zoidberg: Far out! That head gave me a total head trip!
[Zoidberg puts his left claw on his head.]
---
Zoidberg: Fuh! Schlock and more schlock!
Season 6, Episode 24: Cold Warriors
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. I think I'm getting swollen glands.
[Zoidberg's neck grows in size.]
---
Zoidberg: And hundreds of black hovercopters are coming to welcome us!
---
Zoidberg: They're flying Manhattan into the Sun! [Zoidberg turns to Fry and points at the Sun with his left claw.] They must've been outta piranhas.
Season 6, Episode 25: Overclockwise
Bender: I'm processin' so fast, it's like I can anticipate that the ceilin' fan's gonna fall an' knock Zoidberg unconscious.
Zoidberg: Wrong, Mr. Genius.
---
Zoidberg: I hear turkey. Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop— Oh, boy. Ay... Ay. Ay.
Bender: Ten more processors for me. Once I install these, I'll have access to the loftiest realms o' thought!
Zoidberg: Anyone have access to a lofty realm of gravy?
---
Zoidberg: [off camera] Wait! [on camera] I've got it! This building's technically in the theatre district. If we could mount one big musical featuring everyone's talents, we might just save Planet Express!
Nibbler: We'll call it Nibbler on the Roof!
Fry: Alright!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
---
Fry: No, 'e wouldn't. Bender doesn't care about us anymore.
Zoidberg: Someone used to care about me?! Hooray!
---
Nibbler: [sad] We've had some tough times, [happy] but at least we won a Tony!
Zoidberg: You won a Tony. Feh!
Season 6, Episode 26: Reincarnation
(Non-canon)
Professor Farnsworth: The only question is, "Who should [off camera] be our spokesman?!"
Zoidberg: Me! Me! Choose Zoidberg.
Fry: Zoidberg, a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything.
Zoidberg: Hear my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard!
Cubert: [happy] Custard time?! [screaming] Hooray!
Zoidberg: Please! I am certain I will succeed with my delicate manner. Oops.
---
Zoidberg: Hear my words. I believe I, the most humble member of Action Delivery Team, could do such a dance!
Hermes: Surely, your heart shell is too rigid! I call on anyone but you to do the peace dance!
Zoidberg: [sad] Aw.
---
Zoidberg: The shame is too great. It's time to end this! Huh-yah! Feh!
Leela: [off camera] Zoidberg, [on camera] stop! We are too scared right now to enjoy the ceremony of your death!
Zoidberg: No hara-kiri today, but heiwa no dansu! The gelatinous dance of peace!
Hermes: You may be gelatinous, but not even the Mochi Phanton could perform such intricate motions!
Zoidberg: Says you, salaryman!
[Cut to.]
Subtitle: What is the medical crab doing?
[Cut to.]
Zoidberg: Behold! The dance of peace!
Bender: The dance is so complex! The eye can barely follow it!
Zoidberg: I may be the humblest Team member, but I have given it my all.
---
Professor Farnsworth: Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero. You saved us all.
Zoidberg: For now. But another threat from the stars is sure to arise next week at the same time!
Season 7
Season 7, Episode 1: The Bots and the Bees
[Scene: Trashcan. Zoidberg pops out and sees the signal.]
Zoidberg: To the employment cave!
[Zoidberg struggles to get out of the can, but ends up rolling away. The camera pans up to Hermes' house.]
---
[At first, the crew is confused by this announcement, but they suddenly cheer and run toward the machine. Zoidberg kneels down before it.]
Zoidberg: You undersold it, Professor!
---
Bev: Hang on, dumplin'. My milk's comin' in.
[Close-up on Bev's buttons and suddenly a milk button appears between the Slurm Loco and Slurm buttons. The baby pushes the milk button and a hose appears from Bev and into the baby's mouth, who is satisfied.]
Zoidberg: Uch! In public?!
Season 7, Episode 2: A Farewell to Arms
Zoidberg: Fry, my friend, I found your pants! [Fry happily takes the pants and puts them on.] And no sign of that crafty badger!
---
Zoidberg: A giant pyramid under New New York? What badger could have built this?
---
Leela: Fry, stop trying to do things for me! [She puts her hands onto Fry's.] Whatever time we have left, just live it with me. So...you wanna join the balcony club?
[Fry starts smiling. Zoidberg walks in on the two of them.]
Zoidberg: The balcony club? I have an individual membership!
Fry: Zoidberg, get lost!
Zoidberg: I am lost! So long.
---
Amy: I translated more Martian symbols! There's a way off this planet! That underground pyramid isn't a pyramid– [Cut to: Another area. The background turns grey.] It's a rocketship!
[The camera zooms out, revealing that they are underground outside the pyramid-like rocketship. Several bulldozers circle around it.]
Zoidberg: It was worth waiting five hours to hear you finish that sentence.
---
Fry: A-ah-uh-uh! A magician never reveals his secrets. Except the Great Reveal-o!
Zoidberg: That guy stinks.
---
Zoidberg: [He approaches Leela.] Don't worry, Leela! Earth is still there. Peaceful and serene as ever.
Season 7, Episode 3: Decision 3012
Zoidberg: He may not be perfect, but do we really want some unknown new guy? I'll stick with the evil maniac I know, thank you.
Season 7, Episode 4: The Thief of Baghead
(Seasons 1-4 plus the first half of Season 5 obtained from Futurama Madhouse. The rest (so far) obtained from the Infosphere.)
Season 1
Season 1, Episode 2: The Series Has Landed
Farnsworth: Now, Fry, before you go into space you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you though, he's a little ... unusual. (whispering) He wears sandals!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. The doctor, a red alien, is sat in his chair with his feet on the desk. Behind him is a chart of a human's internal organs - pinned to the wall upside down.]
Fry: Hi--
[He screams.]
Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical.
Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent!
[He clacks his claws. Fry is not so sure.]
Farnsworth: You'll be fine.
[He turns to leave but looks back with a worried look on his face.]
Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and let's have a look at that brain. [Fry opens his mouth.] No, no, no, no, no, not that mouth!
Fry: I only have one.
Zoidberg: Really?
[He takes a small card out of his pocket and looks at it.]
Fry: Uh, is there a human doctor around?
Zoidberg: Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say... [He makes a weird noise. Fry clears his throat and tries to imitate him but fails.] What? My mother was a saint! Get out!
Season 1, Episode 3: I, Roommate
[Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate.]
Hermes: These are mighty tasty!
Zoidberg: Thank you. I made them myself.
[Hermes gags and spits the claws out.]
Season 1, Episode 4: Love's Labors Lost in Space
Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well.
[Amy, Leela and Fry sit down.]
Amy: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realise he actually has a really good body.
Leela: Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is.
Bender: That sounds like a cry for help.
Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes: The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy: Hmm, I'll pick!
Season 1, Episode 5: Fear of a Bot Planet
[Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents and walks to a food stand.]
Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please.
Man: We don't sell those.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll.
Man: We're out of rolls.
Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites.
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. Zoidberg is back with the group eating a hot dog]
Season 1, Episode 6: A Fishful of Dollars
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's.
Fry: What?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it, Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: (defensively) I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So none of you has ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were all salty and oily and they melted in your mouth and--
Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying "One more can't hurt" and then they were gone. We're sorry!
[He holds his claws to his head and hangs it in shame. Fry sighs.]
--
[Enter Zoidberg. He sniffs.]
Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! [He gobbles up the rest of the pizza.] More!
Fry: There aren't any more. And there never will be.
[Zoidberg tips the table over and moves towards Fry, raising his claws.]
Zoidberg: More! More! More! More!
Season 1, Episode 7: My Three Suns
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.
---
Amy: I don't think you have anything to worry about. These people seem really mild-mannered.
Zoidberg: They are mild. In fact, you're soaking in one right now.
---
Merg: Ah, there you are, Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony.
Zoidberg: A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal shell.
---
Amy: We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you!
Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness.
Fry: But won't that crush my bones?
Zoidberg: Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones.
---
Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help.
Bender: Cram it, lobster! [Zoidberg bursts into tears.] That is a good idea. I'll go call her.
---
Fry: What the hell is that?
Bont: Its the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain my juices from you while filtering out the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded remains.
Zoidberg: Of course! Why didn't I think of that!
---
Zoidberg: I'll handle this!
[He tries to block the leak with his claw and eventually gets it under control by forcing one of his mouth flaps into the hole.]
Season 1, Episode 8: My Big Piece of Garbage
[Scene: New New York City Street. People stop and stare into the sky as a hamburger and other pieces of garbage smash through buildings. A fish skeleton falls in front of Zoidberg. He checks to see no one is looking and eats it.]
Season 1, Episode 9: Hell is Other Robots
Hermes: Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you!
[He points at Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Me?
---
Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.
Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.
---
Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler.
Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!
Season 1, Episode 10: A Flight to Remember
~
Season 1, Episode 11: Mars University
~
Season 1, Episode 12: When Aliens Attack
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Zoidberg versus Amy and Leela in a beach volleyball game. Amy passes to Leela and she hits it over the net. It hits Farnsworth on the head and knocks him over. He groans. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth stands up.]
Farnsworth: Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right to you.
[Zoidberg scoffs.]
Zoidberg: I've had it with this game! I'm going for a scuttle!
[He crouches down and scuttles into the water.]
---
[Scene: Seabed. Zoidberg scuttles around the water and happens upon a pile of eight fish skeletons. He starts slurping them.]
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. [A lobster pot traps him.] Help! Help! [He knocks on the trap. Bender wanders by, whistling.] Bender, you gotta spring me. I'll never survive in here; I'm too pretty!
Bender: Alright, alright, I'll bust you out. [He bends the bars and spotlights shine on the pair and alarms beep.] Cheese it!
---
Fry: Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode. If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.
Zoidberg: I could make the costumes.
[He cuts some material with his claw.]
---
Zoidberg: Gracias. [He stands up with his script behind him and walks over to the witness box where Leela is sat.] Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd?
Leela: Sleeping with you.
Zoidberg: Aha!
[He jabs his claw in her fake eye and pulls it off her face. He sniffs it and eats it. Leela leafs through the script in a panic.]
---
Farnsworth: (reading) Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline your offer of marriage. For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over dead.
[He smiles and just stares ahead.]
Zoidberg: (reading; unmoved) My God, he's dead.
Season 1, Episode 13: Fry and the Slurm Factory
[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Bender sits on the examination table and the rest of the staff gather around.]
Zoidberg: I'll have a look, but I remind you, I'm an expert on humans not robots.
[He shines a torch into Fry's eye.]
Fry: I'm not Bender, I'm Fry.
Zoidberg: Really? I though you were the robot.
Fry: Nope. Human.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright, spare me your life story. [He turns to Bender.] Now what seems to be the trouble?
Bender: My tummy hurts and I've been having this burning electrical discharge.
[Zoidberg runs a stethoscope across Bender's casing.]
Zoidberg: Hmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine. [He turns to the rest of the staff.] (muttering) Oh boy. (quietly) I didn't have the heart to tell him: It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside-down by morning.
[He walks off tutting. Amy turns to Bender.]
---
[On the other side of the shop Glurmo watches Hermes look at some worm mugs and Slurm T-shirts. He already wears a worm blernsball cap. The T-shirt sizes range from small to large and also "Mutant" which has four arms. Hermes leaves with his two-armed T-shirt and Zoidberg inquires about a two-armed Hebrew Slurm T-shirt he is wearing.]
Zoidberg: Do you have any that aren't so tight around the thorax?
Glurmo: Yes, over in-- Say, weren't there more people in your group at the start of the tour?
Season 2
Season 2, Episode 1: I Second That Emotion
Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg puts a book down and stands up from the table.]
Zoidberg: (reluctant) Alright, I'm coming.
---
Bender: My God! I'm overcome with ... feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Zoidberg: That's me, baby!
---
Amy: Are you crazy? There's mutants down there! They'll eat you alive.
Zoidberg: They're hideous!
[He screams and clacks his claws at her.]
Season 2, Episode 2: Brannigan Begin Again
~
Season 2, Episode 3: A Head in the Polls
Zoidberg: You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe.
[Amy scoffs.]
Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
Zoidberg: Really? I'd better keep an eye out at the next meeting.
---
[Zoidberg talks with a Neptunian at the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Humans stand.]
Zoidberg: Sure, humans are cute, but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics?
Season 2, Episode 4: Xmas Story
[Hermes and Zoidberg are on the ski lift but it isn't moving.]
Hermes: Jah damnit! We're stuck.
Zoidberg: [shivering] At least you're not cold-blooded!
[He puts a glove over his mouth.]
---
[Zoidberg skis with his feet on one ski and his claws on another. He comes to a stop at the bobsled run. Hermes is in a bobsled car and Fry stands behind him.]
Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!
---
Zoidberg: Huh? What's this? [His card it shaped like a lobster.] A card from my cousin Zoidfarb. [The message reads "Santa "Claws" Cousin Zoidfarb". Zoidberg chuckles.] Instead of "Claus" he writes "Claws"! Now that's humorous. Today's comedians could learn from this card.
---
Fry: I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am.
Zoidberg: So what's the problem? Just get down on your claws and do the apology dance.
[He starts scuttling and singing.]
Fry: So it's left, left, right-- Wait! I have a better idea! I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present. Something so great she'll never want to be unhappy again.
---
Santa: But what about your other co-workers? Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?
Fry: No! I swear!
---
Zoidberg: Amy, this is for you. A set of combs for your beautiful hair.
Amy: Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes.
[She pulls her hat off revealing she is bald.]
Hermes: Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.
[He pulls his hat off. He is also bald.]
Zoidberg: Thank you. These'll come in handy for my new hair. [He pulls his hat off. Amy's and Hermes' hair is grafted to his head.] Finally I look as pretty as I feel!
---
Santa: You've all been very naughty, very naughty indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this is for you.
[He hands Zoidberg a gift.]
Zoidberg: A pogo-stick!
[He giggles and bounces around the room.]
Season 2, Episode 5: Why Must I Be a Crustacean In Love?
This is a very Zoidberg-centric episode and I would end up c/ping most of the script anyway. Script of the episode here.
Season 2, Episode 6: Lesser of Two Evils
Flexo: Hey, Fry, think fast. [He opens his chest cabinet and a gas blasts Fry in the face, making him cough.] Get it? It's chlorine!
[He and Bender laugh and leave. Zoidberg laughs.]
Zoidberg: It's funny because it's poisonous!
Season 2, Episode 7: Put Your Head on my Shoulder
Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money.
Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Puh-lease!
Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous.
---
Zoidberg: You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor.
---
Hermes: (shouting) Fry! Amy! Put your pants back on! I need a stapler.
[He struggles to open the locked door. Zoidberg blocks his way.]
Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad.
---
Fry: Hey, you know who loves secluded picnics with just you and me? [He looks over Amy's shoulder at Leela. She shakes her head.] Uh, Dr. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg, scavenging through a dustbin, looks up.]
Zoidberg: Did someone say something about a free hot meal?
[Scene: Amy, Fry and Zoidberg listen to Scruffy the Cat's Moons of Jupiter as they drive to Europa. They pass the orbiting Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey which has an "Out of Order" note taped to it and drive across the icy surface.]
[Cut to: Amy's Car. Zoidberg eats the contents of the picnic basket.]
Zoidberg: Mmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday! Bird eggs, animal slices ... [He gobbles down the food.] ... dry woven reeds! [He eats the basket.] All gone! Can I drive?
Amy: No. So, Fry, you busy tomorrow? I got two tickets to the big ape fight.
---
Fry: That's it, Amy, we have to talk. Zoidberg, you drive.
Zoidberg: Wahoo!
[Cut to: Outside Amy's Car. The car tips as they change places.]
Fry: (from inside) Pardon me, excuse me.
[Cut to: Amy's Car. Zoidberg is at the wheel while Fry and Amy are in the back.]
Zoidberg: Ah, I'll just turn the wheel to maximum fastness!
[He turns it. Amy screams.]
Fry: Amy, you know how at first you like chocolate but then you start to get tired of it because it always wants to hang out with you?
Amy: Huh? You don't like chocolate?
Fry: Look, could chocolate just let me finish?
Zoidberg: Vroom, vroom! And the winner of the big car race is ... Hot Rod Zoidberg!
[He mimes a crowd cheering.]
Fry: Amy, what I'm trying to say is, I think maybe you and I should stop--
[Something in the front snaps. Zoidberg has pulled the wheel off.]
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. Here, you drive!
[He offers the wheel to Fry. The car spins out of control, hitting chunks of ice. It heads straight for a huge mountain of ice. Fry screams and the car crashes.]
[Scene: Europa Surface. Fry comes to. Zoidberg looks over him.]
Zoidberg: Fry? Are you alright?
Fry: Ow! My head is killing me. What happened? Was anybody hurt?
Zoidberg: No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody but you. I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash.
Fry: How badly?
Zoidberg: That's it over there. [He points to Fry's headless body. Fry screams.] Don't worry, I managed to keep your head alive with some quick surgery.
[Fry moves his eyes up and down.]
Fry: Where is it?
[Zoidberg points.]
Zoidberg: There.
[Fry turns to his right and sees Amy's head. Zoidberg has grafted his head onto her left shoulder.]
Amy: Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry!
[Fry screams.]
---
Zoidberg: Don't worry, Fry, we'll have your body all fixed up in a few days. [He lifts Fry's body up over his shoulder.] Upsy daisy!
[He walks out of the room, hitting the body on the walls on the way out. Fry whimpers.]
---
Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin. I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.
Fry: Can I live without it?
Zoidberg: If you call that living.
Season 2, Episode 8: Raging Bender
Farnsworth: Sounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say. [He nods and then leans in to the others.] (whispering) Let's ditch him and go to the movies!
Fry: Hey, yeah!
[The others agree.]
Zoidberg: I'm seeing a movie with friends!
---
Zoidberg: Fellows! Fellows! How about a film we can all enjoy? Planet Of The Clams. [He points to the films poster that parodies Planet Of The Apes except with Decapodians and bipedal clams riding bareback on horses.] It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam.
---
Leela: This is more important than that marble-eating contest, Fry! It's about pride. Let me tell you a story from my childhood.
Zoidberg: Oh, again with the orphanarium!
Season 2, Episode 9: A Bicyclops Built for Two
[Fry sees the porn sites.]
Fry: So I see!
[He flies down to the porn sites and Bender and Hermes follow him.]
Zoidberg: What? What's going on here?
[He sees a sign advertising "Sardine-on-Mackerel Action", warbles and flies towards it.]
---
Zoidberg: The doctor is in! [Fry does a somersault and shoots at Zoidberg. He fizzles.] The doctor is out!
---
[Scene: Garden. At the wedding, Alkazar yawns. Hermes plays Here Comes The Bride and Farnsworth walks Leela up the aisle. Zoidberg wipes his eyes.]
Zoidberg: (crying) That pig over there is wearing the same sandals as me.
Season 2, Episode 10: A Clone of My Own
Bender: Good evening, I'm-- [Feedback. He turns the knob on the side of his casing.] Whoa, sorry. I'm Bender and I'll be emceeing this roast. Y'know, they say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. So here's the Professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster.
[Zoidberg takes Bender's place and appears on the screen.]
Zoidberg: Good evening, ladies and germs. [The band plays a rimshot.] That wasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean Streptococcus. [In the audience a big green germ waves.] Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon. [He grins. There is no rimshot and the audience don't laugh. A man drums his fingers on the table.] Hey, Ringo, that was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.
[He sits down. Bender gets back up.]
Bender: Where would the Professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there! [He points at Farnsworth and chuckles.] But seriously, of all the former crew members of the Professor's delivery ship, our next speaker is by far the most alive. Captain Muskie?
[A man who is a dead ringer for the wheelchair-bound Captain Pike from Star Trek takes the mic. His wheelchair beeps once and the audience howls with laughter. Zoidberg turns to Dean Vernon.]
Zoidberg: I wouldn't wanna follow that guy!
---
Farnsworth: So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.
[He points to a cobweb-covered contraption in the corner.]
Zoidberg: If only it'd worked, you could go back and not waste your time on it.
---
Zoidberg: You? The successor? Over my empty shell! The Professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity.
[He clacks his claws.]
Hermes: Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams things. The only sensible way to choose a successor is with a limbo contest.
---
Fry: Sorry, everyone, but need I remind you? Blood is thicker than water.
Zoidberg: [writing] Blood ... thicker ... water.
---
Cubert: As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called "crew", if it can so be called. First of all, Dr. Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?
Zoidberg: I lost it ... in a volcano.
Season 2, Episode 11: How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back
Zoidberg: Leela, Fry, robot. No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available.
Leela: We're playing poker. But I'm warning you, my friends are serious players.
Zoidberg: Bah, big shots. I say let the dice do the talking.
---
[Four of his cards are stuck in an apple he is holding. Bender spits one more card at him and it cuts off the fork in his hair. Zoidberg fumbles with the hand he is dealt.]
Zoidberg: I can't spell anything with these cards.
[Time Lapse. The game continues and Zoidberg has lost the shirt off his back. Bender enjoys a winning streak as he wears Zoidberg's shirt and has a few piles of chips in front of him. He hums.]
Zoidberg: Finally, I have a good claw. See? [He turns his cards around.] Three human females, a number and a king giving himself brain surgery.
---
Bender: Guys, I swear those are prescription. I need 'em for reading stuff ... on the other side of stuff.
[He walks back towards the door and backs into Zoidberg.]
Lou: Cheater!
Ipgee: Get him!
Terry: Break his neck!
Zoidberg: No, don't hurt him! He's my best friend!
[Bender pushes him over and legs it.]
---
Zoidberg: I recommend the health cure on Spa 5, the sauna planet. Here, read.
[He hands a leaflet to LaBarbara.]
LaBarbara: Spa 5? Is it good?
Zoidberg: Oh, it's wonderful! I don't know anything about it but they give me a bucket of krill for every patient I send.
Morgan: Naturally I'll have to assign a bureaucrat to fill in for Hermes while he's away. I assign me, I accept. Welcome aboard.
Zoidberg: Then it's settled. Hermes will relax and Zoidberg will eat. Hurrah!
---
Amy: I can't figure why she's so nice to you, Fry.
Zoidberg: She's a hateful monster, this Morgan. She scolded and hit me. I tell you, she's risking my friendship with her.
---
Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg brought us.
Zoidberg: It was me! I'm the hero!
---
Zoidberg: Now it's time for my song! (singing) When I was two, there was a tidal wave in--
[Closing Credits.]
Zoidberg: (over credits) Aw.
Season 2, Episode 12: The Deep South
Hermes: Let's see now, which bait to use? [Zoidberg looks up.] Crickets? Squid? Chicken necks?
Zoidberg: Excuse me, if I might be so bold, I'm willing to offer my services as a bait critic. [He eats a sardine.] These sardines for example are bland and tasteless. [He eats a few more.] And these dry, stringy night crawlers, though juicy ... [He eats a few.] ... very, very juicy--
[He sticks his head in the bucket and gobbles the bait.]
Hermes: I don't believe this! It's eating my bait! [He picks up his fishing rod and hits Zoidberg with it.] Beat it, you mooching crawdad!
[Zoidberg runs away and woops. Bender presses a button on his fishing rod.]
---
Farnsworth: You'll never catch anything with that primitive technology. What you need is this fish pheromone. [He pulls out a spray can.] The most potent aphrodisiac known to fishkind. [He shakes the can and tries to spray it on his line but he is holding it the wrong way so it sprays back in his face.] Uh-oh!
[Several fish leap up to his head. He screams and knocks them off. Zoidberg comes up behind him and sniffs him.]
Zoidberg: (sexfully) I'm so into you!
[He wraps his mouth flaps around Farnsworth's head and slurps.]
Farnsworth: Oh, my!
---
Leela: Wake up, everyone! I've got something. And this time it's alive! [She pulls out another boot with Zoidberg on the end of it and groans.] Dr. Zoidberg, since when do you even wear boots?
Zoidberg: I wasn't wearing it. (ashamed) I was eating it.
---
Zoidberg: Wait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable diamond filament! [He snips at the tether with his claw but it doesn't break.] Well, at least I'll die with my friends. Hello?
[The others shut the turret hatch behind them and the water line creeps towards Zoidberg. He climbs in and shuts it behind him. The ship lurches forward and disappears under the water and the staff scream. Something floats to the surface.]
---
Zoidberg: How are you doing there, Fry? [Fry blubbers.] Glad to hear it. [He picks up another fish.] Aha!
[He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet. Bender sees an electric eel and grabs it. It shocks him.]
Bender: Aw, yeah!
[Zoidberg sees a little glowing thing.]
Zoidberg: Yum, yum, yum! [He eats it, not realising it is the top of a large pilot fish.] Uh-oh! [The fish chases him and Zoidberg woops and hides in a shell. The fish passes him and he scuttles back to Fry and Bender with the shell on his back.] Look at me, I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!
[Time Lapse. The trio search for food next to a sunken wreck. Fry lifts a skull and crossbones flag.]
Zoidberg: Careful, Fry, I think that flag might be poisonous.
[Bender emerges from the boat wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch and carrying some bottles.]
Bender: Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty grub. [He opens the bottle and tries to drink what is in it but the liquid just drips out and trails away from him in the ocean current.] Arr! The laws o' science be a harsh mistress!
Zoidberg: Say, robot, old buddy? Could you help me move a couch?
Bender: Uh, OK, but I'm not carrying it upstairs.
[He climbs into the shell, leaving Fry alone. Some seaweed parts, revealing a mermaid. She laughs and swims away and Fry blubbers. Zoidberg and Bender emerge from the shell.]
Zoidberg: What is it, Fry?
Fry: (blubbering) Mermaid.
Bender: You want some lemonade? You saw a big parade?
Zoidberg: Your student loans have been repaid? Then how 'bout lending your old pal Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr. Millionaire!
---
Fry: What's so far-fetched about mermaids? I mean, there's all sorts of weird sea creatures here in the future. Like Dr. Zoidberg.
[He points through the window at Zoidberg. He is wearing a sunhat and has built a window box on his shell and is landscaping a garden. He turns around and waves.]
---
[Scene: Seabed. The staff stand outside the ship wearing their oxygen masks. Zoidberg sniffs around like a dog.]
Zoidberg: I've got his scent! Over here where the water gets warmer. This way!
---
Leela: But, Fry, what about us? What about your life on the surface? You don't belong down here.
Zoidberg: She's right, I mean, sure, they got the Braves but it's a third-rate symphony.
---
Zoidberg: You know, Fry, I've got a little place just outside town. You could come visit, maybe?
[Fry looks at the Colonel who shakes his head.]
Fry: Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join the country club.
---
Zoidberg: Well, I guess this is goodbye for me as well.
Leela: Whatever.
Amy: Later.
Farnsworth: Bye.
[Cut to: Seabed. Zoidberg turns away sadly and the door closes behind him. He screams. His shell is a burned ruin.]
Zoidberg: No! My home! It burned down! [Hermes and Bender walk out of the ship. Zoidberg cries.] (crying) How did this happen?
Hermes: That's a very good question.
[Bender picks something up.]
Bender: So that's where I left my cigar.
---
[He chokes. The bass' gills open. Zoidberg is inside.]
Zoidberg: Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here!
Season 2, Episode 13: Bender Gets Made
[Scene: Taco Bellevue Hospital Eye Clinic. While a doctor examines Leela's bloodshot eye, Zoidberg, dressed in scrubs, talks to Fry.]
Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated.
---
Doctor #2: Not as right that time. It looks like you might have some mild corneal irritation.
Zoidberg: Nice try, little boy. You may have your textbook knowledge and your real diploma but I have more skill in my little claw than you have in your whole carapace!
[He screams and clacks his claws at the doctor.]
Doctor #2: You seem a bit tense. [He tips some pills onto his hand.] Here, try these.
Zoidberg: Sure, butter me up with candy. But it won't work, sonny! [He slurps the pills off the doctor's hand and his pupils dilate.] (high) Why always the fighting?
[He walks away and the doctor turns to Leela.]
---
Leela: A week? What do you think, Dr. Zoidberg?
[Zoidberg, still high, clacks his claw past his face.]
Zoidberg: (high) Clack.
[Scene: Taco Bellevue Hospital Waiting Room. Amy and Bender pace around. The doors open and Leela and Zoidberg walk in. Leela seems to be holding onto Zoidberg's arm.]
Zoidberg: (high) Thanks for the help, Leela.
---
[Zoidberg looks at his plate.]
Zoidberg: The king crab is to die for. Look! A tiny edible crown.
[He eats it.]
Amy: What's it made of?
Zoidberg: [eating] Wood!
---
Hermes: We don't have that kind of money. Especially not Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: They took away my credit card.
---
URL: Now it's payback time. Aw, yeah!
Zoidberg: Please don't hit me. I'm brittle!
Bender: Hey, wait a second. I've got the perfect solution.
Zoidberg: Listen to the smart robot.
---
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The hangar doors half open and the ship blasts through them, leaving a hole in them.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Zoidberg turn around at the table and see the hole in the doors and the rubble on the hangar floor.]
Hermes: That's coming outta your pay!
[Zoidberg bursts into tears.]
---
Leela: Well, this is the big moment. It's finally time to take my eye patch off.
Zoidberg: I'll handle the snipping. After all, I do have the proper equipment.
[He ignores his claw and uses some scissors to cut the patch off. Leela sees a shape come into view and gasps.]
Season 2, Episode 14: Mother's Day
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit huddled around a campfire as Fry continues to bang the tin on the floor, trying to open it. Leela snatches it from him.]
Leela: (defeated) Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg used his claws to cut the tin open.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm useful! I'm having a wonderful time!
---
Farnsworth: Uh-huh. May I come in?
Mom: (shouting) Never!
[She tries to slam the door on him but it just hits his foot. He screams in pain. The others watch.]
Zoidberg: Is this what human mating looks like? Because I like it!
Season 2, Episode 15: The Problem With Popplers
[Zoidberg eats some.]
Zoidberg: They're tastier than an unguarded penguin nest. What do you call them?
---
Fry: I know, we'll call them Popplers!
Bender: Good idea.
Zoidberg: Oh, yeah, why not?
Amy: You sure picked it.
Fry: Swish!
[Zoidberg crams some more into his mouth.]
Zoidberg: Call them what you want. I call them a free meal.
[Bender grabs his claw.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Sigmund. I can't stand idly by while poor people get free food. We gotta sell these things!
---
[In space, Bender paints "Poppler" on the tail of the ship and scrubs out "Planet", making it Poppler Express. The ship speeds through space carrying a crate of live Popplers. The sign outside Fishy Joe's turns over to over one million sold. People buy Popplers from a tube-thru window. Zoidberg arrives and turns his pockets inside out.]
Zoidberg: I can't pay.
[Behind him, people shake their fists at him.]
---
Leela: Popplers are intelligent. This one called me mama.
[She has the Poppler wrapped in a Tender 'n' Juicy napkin.]
Zoidberg: Congratulations. I assume Amy is the father.
---
Amy: Leela, maybe you should lie down.
Zoidberg: Yes, listen to the father.
Season 2, Episode 16: Anthology of Interest I
(Non-canon)
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four hide behind a table, watching a guinea pig on a plate. Zoidberg passes the door, sniffs and sees the guinea pig.]
Zoidberg: What's this? Two meals in one week?
[He picks up the guinea pig and eats it. A tube comes down over him and traps him. Amy laughs.]
Farnsworth: Gotcha!
Hermes: Oh, yes!
Zoidberg: Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me! [Farnsworth throws a switch and the enlarging ray comes down and enlarges Zoidberg.] What?
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg grows and emerges from the hangar roof.]
Zoidberg: So, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's more like it! Who's intimidating who now, big city? [He walks towards a building.] Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank. Deny my credit card application, will you? [He growls and knocks the building in half. He turns around.] Ah, the famed Apollo Theater. "Boo" me off stage on open-mic night, huh? I'll show you!
[He kicks the building apart and picks up another one. Bender arrives.]
Bender: Hey, I called this city! Quit touching my stuff!
Zoidberg: Tell it to claw.
[He holds up his claw to Bender.]
Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!
[Zoidberg picks up a train and whips it around. Bender snaps off part of a travel tube, sucks up some people and blows them at Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams.]
Zoidberg: Stop!
[Bender dives on Zoidberg and knocks him into some buildings. They roll across the city. Zoidberg kicks Bender off him, picks up a building and uses a bridge to launch it at Bender. It misses and hits a cliff. A "Luxury River View Apts" banner rolls out from one of the windows. Bender rips up the Shea Stadium from its foundations, scoops up some water and boils it with a fiery belch.]
Bender: (shouting) Who wants lobster bisque?
Zoidberg: Hmm?
[Bender knocks him into the boiling water and he screams as he disappears under. Bender laughs.]
---
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks in whistling nonchalantly.]
Zoidberg: Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it.
[Enter Hermes.]
Hermes: Sweet giant anteater of Saint Anita! The Professor's been eaten by giant anteaters!
Zoidberg: What?
[Leela gasps.]
Hermes: If y'ask me, it's mighty suspicious! I'm gonna call the police ... right after I flush some things.
Zoidberg: Police? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens I have mail order degrees in Murderology and Murderonomy. [He puts on a deerstalker and pulls out a magnifying glass.] Zoidberg is afoot!
---
Zoidberg: Alright, anteater number one, who are you protecting? [Hermes dives into the room but is dragged out again.] Is it anteater number two? [Leela runs in, grabs an axe and runs out again.] Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name! [An anteater makes a noise.] What? How do you spell that?
[The sound of hacking comes from the meeting room.]
Hermes: (shouting; from meeting room) What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso!
Zoidberg: (shouting) Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things.
---
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. The remaining Planet Express staff, plus Cubert and Nibbler, are assembled in the room. Zoidberg, still wearing the deerstalker, tips some tobacco into his pipe then eats the whole thing. A man with a moustache walks in.]
Zoidberg: Ah, the gang's all here.
---
Zoidberg: Quiet, please. I've called you all here to the parlour to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room ... is a big murderer! [Everyone except Leela gasps. She gasps theatrically.] You see, the killer left one fatal clue: This boot print on the Professor's lab coat.
---
Zoidberg: My next clue came at 4.15, when the clock stopped. And another came two hours later at 4.15, when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.
[He opens the clock and Amy tumbles out, clutching some purple hair.]
Scruffy: Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were--
[Leela turns the lights off again and stabs Scruffy with the same sword. The lights come back on.]
Zoidberg: So, it's just as I suspected all along. The crime is unsolvable! [Nibbler squeals and points at Leela. The lights go off and Leela stabs Nibbler. They come back on and Nibbler is sandwiched between Scruffy and Cubert. An envelope comes through the door. Zoidberg reads the letter inside.] A letter from Bender, my good friend. (reading) Dear Dr. Jerkberg, if you're reading this, I'm already dead. The person who killed me was ... was-- [He looks up from the letter.] My God! It can't be! The murderer, it was--
[Fry yawns.]
Fry: I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. I'm gonna go watch TV.
---
Fry: Who are you monsters? Is one of you Icy Wiener?
Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm icy whatever!
Season 2, Episode 17: War is the H-Word
Nurse: Are you ready to operate, doctor?
Zoidberg: [washing his claws] I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery. [He laughs.] I kid! I kid!
[The nurse puts some gloves on his claws and they break.]
[Time Lapse. A human doctor operates on a mule, a robot doctor operates on soldier #1 while Zoidberg operates on the hick.]
Zoidberg: Scalpel. [The nurse hands him a scalpel and he cuts something inside the hick.] Blood bucket. [She hands him a bucket and he puts it under the operating table.] Priest. Next patient.
[The robot doctor, iHawk, has a martini permanently attached to his left hand.]
iHawk: Gee, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.
Nurse: Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone! He has twice the training you do.
iHawk: Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher!
[He laughs and soldier #1 joins in. Zoidberg groans.]
Zoidberg: See, this is how it starts. First with he jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.
---
Zoidberg: I'm afraid he's gone.
[He pulls the sheet over the hick.]
Hick: Whoa, doc, I ain't dead.
Zoidberg: Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor.
---
iHawk: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.
[He laughs.]
Zoidberg: That's my joke! I'll kill you!
[He jumps at iHawk and clacks his claws.]
Season 2, Episode 18: The Honking
Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall! Although-- [The MS Windows intro music plays, as if from nowhere. Someone laughs.] What's that?
Zoidberg: I don't know, but it's infectious!
[He laughs.]
---
Zoidberg: Bender, you look awful. I prescribe make-up. Here. It just so happens I have my Mary Kay sample case!
Bender: Ah, I just need sleep. I had nightmares all night about cars running people over.
Zoidberg: Many people dream of a fresh, new look. And Mary Kay can make those dreams come true.
Season 2, Episode 19: The Cryonic Woman
Amy: Oh, no!
[She talks in Chinese.]
Hermes: Sweet ghost of Babylon.
Zoidberg: This isn't good for Zoidberg!
---
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The three former employees leave through the main door. Zoidberg, Amy, Hermes and Farnsworth watch them go.]
Zoidberg: [waving] Goodbye, friends. I'll miss you. [They round a corner and hear Zoidberg talking to the others through a hole in the wall.] Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one!
Farnsworth: Yes, yes! Let's all talk to Zoidberg.
Amy: Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, I've been thinking, do you think we could go out?
Farnsworth: So, Zoidberg, what's new?
Hermes: Tell me, Zoidberg: Is it carapace or carapass?
Zoidberg: Oh, you know!
---
Farnsworth: So, how was delivery to Fantasy Planet, where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy: Great!
Hermes: Organised!
Zoidberg: For one beautiful night, I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honoured.
---
Fry: I'm glad you're all here. I wanted to introduce you to my on-again-off-again girlfriend of the past thousand years, Michelle. [Everyone claps.] Michelle, this is Leela. [Michelle screams.] This is Bender. [Michelle screams.] The Professor. [Farnsworth waves. Michelle looks at Fry and he nods. She screams.] Hermes and Amy.
Michelle: Nice to meet you.
Fry: And this is Dr. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg screams and runs away.]
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy and Michelle sit at the table. Zoidberg, wearing a frilly apron, pours them some tea.]
Zoidberg: There you go, dearies.
[He hums and leaves. Michelle trembles.]
---
Michelle: That's true. But I used to fit in really well.
Zoidberg: Then good luck, sister.
[He screams and walks away. Michelle drops her cup and it smashes. Seconds later it reassembles itself. She whimpers.]
Season 3
Season 3, Episode 1: Amazon Women in the Mood
Hermes: Now we all love Nibbler, so it's only fair that we all pitch in and clean it up together. Still, I propose we make Zoidberg do it. All in favour?
[Everyone except Zoidberg raises their hand.]
---
[He takes off his glasses and cries. The door opens and Zoidberg walks in wearing a towel. But his body is white-pink and is wobbling around like lobster jelly.]
Zoidberg: Why with all the crying? [He looks across the room.] So that's where I left my shell.
[He wobbles over to the table. Leela picks up the shell.]
Leela: I didn't know you could take this thing off.
Zoidberg: It was starting to get a little cramped in there so I molted, why not? Ah, the fresh air feels good!
[He wobbles around.]
Farnsworth: Stop doing that!
[Zoidberg tucks his shell under his arm.]
Zoidberg: So long. I'm off to toss this old shell in the dumpster and maybe pick up those potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.
Amy: Those were toenail clippings.
Zoidberg: A feast is a feast.
[He turns around and leaves. His shell has a large hole down the back of it. As he walks out his towel falls off. The sound of a phone ringing comes from the lounge.]
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The next day, Fry, Bender and Hermes sit watching TV. Zoidberg walks in still without a shell and carrying a purple J. Crab catalogue.]
Zoidberg: Look what arrived: My new shell catalogue. So let's try some on, already! [He puts the catalogue on the coffee table and it opens up like a laptop. It emits a holographic stereotypical Mexican shell onto his body.] Ah! Muy macho! Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water!
[He points his claws at them like guns and imitates gunfire.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican and I find that offensive.
[He opens his chest cabinet. "Hecho En Mexico" is etched on the inside of his door. He closes it and it falls off.]
Zoidberg: You Latins are so hot-blooded! [He changes the shell and the new one looks like the outfit worn by the cop from The Village People.] This one's like a summer guy!
[He turns around revealing his lobster ass.]
Hermes: Look, you fat fish, the Planet Express health plan only covers one kind of replacement shell.
[He changes the shell to a simple white shell with a barcode and "Shell" printed on it. Zoidberg groans and Hermes closes the catalogue. Zoidberg wobbles out towards the meeting room.]
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes and Zoidberg stand at the water cooler.]
Zoidberg: And that's how I got my new shell. It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday and I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon inside. [He slurps.] Pretty good story, eh, Hermes?
Season 3, Episode 2: Parasites Lost
[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry is sat on the table with a large pipe sticking out of him. The staff are gathered around. Enter Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Oh, the hypochondriac's back! So what is it this time?
Fry: Well, my lead pipe hurts a little.
Zoidberg: That's normal. Next patient.
---
[Cut to: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg examines Fry's chest with a stethoscope. He hears the sound of a truck reversing and beeping.]
Zoidberg: Hmm. We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera. [He holds up an endoscope. Fry opens his mouth.] Guess again.
[Fry's expression changes to worried.]
---
Farnsworth-Droid: Anyhoo, your net suits will let you experience Fry's worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
Zoidberg-Droid: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
---
Zoidberg-Droid: Quick! We can escape through that nasal capillary into the sinus.
[Cut to: Fry's Nose. Amy turns the ship around and the ship heads for the hole.]
[Cut to: Miniature Ships Cockpit.]
Hermes-Droid: Strange. Usually you don't know anything about human anatomy.
Zoidberg-Droid: I learned it from a decongestant commercial. (echoing) "Soothing action, action, action, action..."
---
Bender-Droid: Where are we? The ass?
Farnsworth-Droid: We're in the heart. Better known as "The Love Muscle".
Zoidberg-Droid: Where the food is digested.
---
[Cut to: Outside Miniature Ship. Zoidberg opens the turret hatch and scrapes cholesterol off the roof of the valve and spreads it on a cracker.]
Zoidberg-Droid: It's good cholesterol but it spreads like bad cholesterol!
[He gobbles the cracker. The ship flies past worms who are busy scrubbing the valve.]
---
Hermes-Droid: He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined!
Zoidberg-Droid: Gumbercules? I love that guy!
---
Farnsworth-Droid: There it is! The stately capitol of Fry's bowel. A heavily-guarded fortress surrounding the pelvic splanchnic ganglion.
Zoidberg-Droid: I've heard of that! Who said I haven't?
---
Farnsworth-Droid: The nerve is through here. Where's Zoidberg?
[Enter Zoidberg riding one of Fry's sperm.]
Zoidberg-Droid: Yippie-ki-yay! You'll never guess where I've been!
Season 3, Episode 3: A Tale of Two Santas
Fry: Ah! Bathtub eggnog! Just the way Grandma used to drink. [He tastes it and spits it out.] Ew! It went sour!
[Zoidberg sits up in the bath.]
Zoidberg: Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
---
[Enter Zoidberg dressed as Jesus, surrounded by a white light.]
Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus!
---
Poopenmeyer: My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!
Zoidberg: I help those who help themselves.
Season 3, Episode 4: The Luck of the Fryrish
Hermes: (shouting) Baby needs a new pair of shoes!
Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes!
---
Zoidberg: So the clover is still in the hiding place, maybe?
Season 3, Episode 5: The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz
Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer -- in this comic I drew.
[He takes out a piece of paper. Zoidberg turns around.]
Zoidberg: Ooh! The new one's out!
---
Bender: Correct, Wiggles. You've just earned an invitation to the captain's table
[He leaves and Zoidberg leans over the back of his chair.]
Zoidberg: (whispering) The captain's table! What an honour!
---
Bender: Going? But a captain can't drink without his first mate.
[Fry leaves. Zoidberg peeps over the edge of the table.]
Zoidberg: You can drink with me maybe?
Bender: I don't feel like drinking.
[He takes off his hat and starts to walk out.]
Zoidberg: Then, if you'll excuse me, I see some ravioli that only has two shoe prints on it. [Bender walks through it.] Three.
---
Zoidberg: Captain, please, have some liquor. You robots need alcohol to function.
Bender: (sober) Gah! I once knew a guy ... you look like him. But he wasn't either. [His hat tumbles off and he groans.] I'm a good captain.
Zoidberg: Please, sir, I love you like a father!
---
[Zoidberg turns on another screen that displays the extent of the damage to the tanker. There is a huge gash most of the way along the hull. A gauge at one side of the screen drops as the dark matter levels go down.]
Zoidberg: All 6,000 hulls have been breached!
[Fry falls to his knees.]
Fry: Oh, the fools! If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls! When will they learn?
---
Leela: Hey, why weren't you Kong donkeys outside cleaning up?
Zoidberg: They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job. [Yolk drips from his mouth.] (ashamed) And eating penguin eggs.
Fry: You ate most of them. So, where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophising some other planet?
[He chuckles. Zoidberg slaps him.]
Zoidberg: Damnit, Fry! He may have done wrong, but he's still your captain.
---
Fry: Madam, I am in command now.
[He walks out and Zoidberg follows him.]
Zoidberg: Such a man! I'd follow him to hell and back, I would.
---
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Fry flies the ship through space and Zoidberg looks anxiously through the window.]
Zoidberg: Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto any longer. In fact, we may have left space as we know it.
Fry: Then where are we? You said you knew how to navigate.
Zoidberg: (shouting) Stop yelling at me!
[He bursts into tears.]
---
[Scene: The Planet Express ship glides through space with a giant space-squid holding onto it. Fry screams.]
Zoidberg: (shouting; from ship) It's been an honour to serve under you, sir!
Season 3, Episode 6: Bendless Love
Bender: Who could do a thing like that? And by "that", I mean this.
[He bends the L-unit back and forth repeatedly.]
Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands.
Hermes: I'd better make a chart of the suspects. I'll begin by drawing a line with my straight-edge. [He draws along his straight-edge but halfway along the line starts to bend. He gasps.] Sweet lamprey of Santa Fe! My edge has been bent!
[Amy walks in wearing Mars University sweats.]
Amy: (crying) My javelin too! It's ruined. [She holds up her javelin which has been bent in eight places.] Now we'll never beat Jupiter State.
Zoidberg: My slinky! [He runs over to the corner of the room and picks up a straightened slinky. He falls to his knees.] My cuddly, little pet slinky!
---
Hermes: I know how to settle this: We'll check last night's surveillance tapes.
Fry: Huh?
Amy: What tapes?
Leela: Surveillance?
Zoidberg: You've seen me naked?
---
[He bends it straight. Beside him, Zoidberg has re-curled his slinky, though it doesn't really look right.]
Zoidberg: There, little friend. Good as new.
[He strokes it and puts it atop a pile of books he has arranged like stairs. He nudges the slinky and it flops down the books and bursts into flames. Zoidberg groans and bursts into tears.]
Season 3, Episode 7: The Day the Earth Stood Stupid
Farnsworth: Zooka barooka! First prize is $500 and a year's supply of dog food!
Bender: "$500", you say?
Zoidberg: "Dog food", you say?
[He licks his tendrils.]
---
Bender: [to judge] Ma'am, I have a late entry: My hard-shelled wooping terrier, Mr. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg stands on all-fours and wears a blue cape and a nappy. Bender whips him and he woops. He whips him again and Zoidberg woops and waves his claws in the air.]
[Time Lapse. The crowd cheers for Zoidberg and Bender. Zoidberg scurries through a tunnel with Bender whipping him as he goes.]
Bender: Faster! Faster.
[Zoidberg woops. He comes out of the tunnel, jumps on to a balance beam and somersaults across it. Bender hits him again.]
Zoidberg: Ow!
---
Bender: Second place? [He pulls Zoidberg's choke chain.] That's a fancy word for losing. [He whips Zoidberg as he speaks.] You didn't stick your landing!
Zoidberg: Forgive me, my friend.
Bender: Never!
[He whips him again.]
---
Hermes: What's got into him? He's twitching like Zoidberg when someone mentions the word "food".
Zoidberg: [twitching] What, now?
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg crouches on the examination table. He sticks one of his tendrils out and tries to clack it with his claw. Enter Fry.]
Fry: Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird?
Zoidberg: Zoidy want balloon! Want balloon now! [He jumps around.] Zoidy want go outside!
Fry: (angry) I just let you back in!
---
Farnsworth: Duh, I know! Let's play the lottery!
Amy: No. Let's buy Internet stock!
Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidy wanna buy on margin!
Season 3, Episode 8: That's Lobstertainment!
This is a Zoidberg-centric episode. Full script is here
Season 3, Episode 9: The Cyber House Rules
Leela: You're right! I'll start by not caring what you think! [She stands up.] I'm getting the surgery.
Farnsworth: That a girl!
Amy: Right on!
Zoidberg: Wonderful. And while you're under the knife, you could also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies.
Farnsworth: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile!
[He raises a rolled-up newspaper at Zoidberg. Zoidberg sprays ink at his face and runs off, wooping.]
---
Leela: Fry, I just wanna try dating a normal man, who if you go somewhere with him no one says he's crummy. I think I deserve that once in life.
[Zoidberg holds her arm.]
Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adlai, Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor.
Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich.
Zoidberg: What? When did this happen? You're joking, right? [He shakes her.] That's not funny!
---
Leela: Thanks for coming out to get to know my boyfriend. Isn't he dreamy?
Zoidberg: (mesmerised) Totally.
---
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
Zoidberg: Damn right!
---
Bender: Coming through, watch your heads!
[He wangs Zoidberg on the head as he passes him.]
Zoidberg: Help! I'm under attack!
[He sprays the others with ink. Bender sits with the kids at another table.]
---
Leela: Oh, Adlai, this is the most beautiful moment of my life!
[Zoidberg woops and sprays her with ink.]
Season 3, Episode 10: Where the Buggalo Roam
Mrs. Wong: OK, then. Make yourselves at home.
[Zoidberg stands on the landing, dressed in a bathrobe. He is holding a green bottle.]
Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have anymore of this Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.
[Mr. and Mrs. Wong growl.]
---
Mr. Wong: Here is most number one product of all: The mighty buggalo. They used for everything; meat, milk and their shells make good row boat.
[He points to Zoidberg, rowing a buggalo shell on a lake.]
Zoidberg: (shouting) I broke your television.
---
[Zoidberg walks over to the barbecue.]
Zoidberg: Host-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful time!
Mr. Wong: You here five hours and already you tear up couch, draw moustache on priceless painting and fill pool with brine shrimp.
Zoidberg: [nudging Mrs. Wong] Not bad for a city boy, huh? [Mr. Wong takes a bite of caviar.] By the way, I took the liberty of fertilising your caviar.
[Mr. Wong looks at his food and chews slower. At the bar, Bender pours himself another drink, knocks it back, stacks the glass on top of 13 others, pours the last of the bottle down his neck and stacks the bottle on top of 11 others. He belches fire. Kif stammers and Amy wipes sweat from his face.]
---
Mr. Wong: They been rustled under cover of storm. We ruined!
[Zoidberg puts his arms around Mr. and Mrs. Wong and they struggle.]
Zoidberg: (screaming) Nooo!
[They push him away.]
---
Mrs. Wong: OK. I want a divorce.
[Zoidberg is dressed golf clothes.]
Zoidberg: Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!
Amy: They're not your parents, I'm not your sister and that's not your golf cart.
Zoidberg: Aw!
[He reverses the golf cart away.]
---
[Scene: Outside The Wongs' House. Zoidberg looks out the window.]
Zoidberg: (from inside) Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch!
[Mrs. Wong beats Zoidberg over the head with a trophy head.]
---
Zoidberg: Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome here at Rancho Zoidberg!
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Zoidberg is thrown out. He hits his head on a post and scoffs.]
Zoidberg: Money doesn't make good people, no, siree!
Season 3, Episode 11: Insane in the Mainframe
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table and Zoidberg wears a suit.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today marks our dear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in order.
Fry: (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!
Leela: (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!
Amy: (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!
Zoidberg: Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!
Hermes: I will now read the mandatory speech. [He opens a book called "Minimum Obligations Manual".] (reading) Dear employee. Has it really been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.
[He gives Zoidberg an envelope and claps. Zoidberg opens it and takes out two coupons.]
Zoidberg: Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could only afford the one ... and the car. Ah, the years! So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies--
Hermes: Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. [He hands Zoidberg a piece of paper. Zoidberg reads it. He has accumulated a grand total of $0.00.] It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!
[Zoidberg wipes away a tear.]
Zoidberg: You kept track of it all these years!
---
Zoidberg: Listen to me, Fry. Just because you think you're a robot, doesn't make you a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor but that doesn't make me a doctor. These fancy clothes do!
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and finishes another bottle of beer. He throws it down on the floor at Zoidberg's feet.]
Zoidberg: By a scallop's forelocks! What's with all the beer, Fry?
---
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Police cars surround the building. Roberto stands at the window with his knife at Zoidberg's neck.]
Roberto: Back off! I got hostages!
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping!
---
[Time Lapse. More police cars arrive outside. Roberto has everyone except Fry tied up in the middle of the room. They mutter.]
Zoidberg: Oh, the fear!
---
Fry: (mechanical voice) It was nothing. I-- [He sees his bleeding arm and screams. His wipes some onto his finger and looks at it.] (normal) Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a, a--
Zoidberg: A squid?
Fry: A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!
Zoidberg: Also good.
Season 3, Episode 12: The Route of All Evil
Zoidberg: What's going on? Is this angry yelling or busted-hearing-aid yelling?
Hermes: I'm afraid it's both.
Farnsworth: (shouting) What?
---
Dwight: We're finally making more money than you guys! Aren't you impressed now, Pops? Aren'tcha? Aren'tcha?
Hermes: Uh, in a small way, yes. But you still don't have your own building or conference table or ... or one of those things!
[He points at Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Hello!
---
[Cut to: New New York City Street. They pass a dumpster. Zoidberg pops out of it and watches Farnsworth and Hermes.]
Zoidberg: There but for the grace of God.
[He dives back in and gobbles scraps.]
Season 3, Episode 13: Bendin' in the Wind
Bender: (singing) Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care,
Cause the master's gone away.
Zoidberg: [tapping his feet] It's toe-tapping-ly tragic.
---
Fry: Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram in my van and follow Bender on tour and live there, in the van?
[Behind them, the VW rumbles and backfires.]
Zoidberg: Oh, I don't know, Fry. I think I'm too poor to follow a band around in a van.
---
Zoidberg: Bad news, friends. My shell ran.
[He holds up his clothes. They are a funky tie-dye pink.]
Amy: Zoidberg, you idiot, my outfit. It's, it's--
Leela: Kinda cool.
Fry: Yeah, I like it.
Amy: Me too, now that I'm used to it.
Zoidberg: Then it was all on purpose! You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross me, and I'll turn on you like that!
[He snaps his claws and squeals at them.]
---
[Cut to: VW. Zoidberg coughs and hawks into a tissue.]
Amy: You'd better not do that at the concert.
Zoidberg: I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt, I get stuff in my throat.
[He hawks and spits into the tissue.]
Amy: You are so disgusting, I--
[She gasps. Zoidberg has spit up blue pearls. Leela takes a handful.]
Leela: They're beautiful.
Zoidberg: Ew, you're touching them!
Amy: I've never seen pearls like this. Dr. Zoidberg, you're amazing.
Zoidberg: I am? At last! Recognition!
[He spits up some more into Amy's and Leela's hands.]
---
Fry: Brothers and sisters, get your love beads. Can't journey to the centre of your mind without love beads!
[Hippies gather around the van.]
Hippie #1: Wow, look at the colours. These'll go great with my soul.
Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewellery for years, apparently.
---
[Bender floors it. Beck's bus gets closer and bumps them. They scream. The bus passes a sign that reads "Golden Gate Hoverbridge".]
Bender: Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge.
Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hovercar.
Fry: Is any of that a problem?
Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret.
[He screams. The VW flies off the edge of the road and plummets to the ground below.]
Season 3, Episode 14: Time Keeps on Slippin'
[Scene: Central Park Lake. People enjoy themselves at the lake; sunbathing, barbecuing and fishing. The Planet Express staff are there. Hermes throws a frisbee.]
Hermes: Go get it, boy!
[Zoidberg runs after it, catches it and eats it. Leela eats a sandwich and Fry kneels in front of her.]
---
[Curly Joe grabs Armo's ass. Zoidberg laughs.]
Zoidberg: That one grabbed his behindus!
---
[Time skips. The lounge has streamers and balloons and banners around it in celebration of Amy's birthday. There is a cake on the coffee table and presents around it.]
All: --ppy birthday, Amy.
Amy: Hooray! Look at all these presents!
Zoidberg: I hope we all have as much tomorrow at my birth--
[Time skips. Zoidberg sits alone in the empty lounge. There is a tiny cupcake on the table with a candle in it. He looks around.]
Zoidberg: What?
[He sighs.]
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg looks over a chess board.]
Zoidberg: Hmm. [He hovers his claw over it.] Hmm.
[He picks up a piece and eats it. Enter Leela.]
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, can I talk to you about Fry?
Zoidberg: Leela, I would be honoured.
[He moves aside on the couch for her.]
[Time skips. Leela talks as Zoidberg watches TV, ignoring her.]
Leela: --does the worst W.C. Fields imitation I've ever seen. Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring me.
[He turns the TV off.]
Leela: The thing is, Fry is very sweet, but he's so immature. I love his boyish charm but I hate his childishness.
Zoidberg: So he's not perfect. You don't wanna end up old and lonely like Zoidberg! [He cries then suddenly stops.] You were saying?
---
[Time Lapse. The other Globetrotters and the remaining Supermen are at the wedding too. Amy cheers.]
Zoidberg: He looks radiant!
---
Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg.
---
Fry: Oh, it's hopeless. I did something so great that it won Leela's heart and I'll never, ever know what it was. My life is empty.
[He sniffs.]
Zoidberg: (sexfully) Zoidberg!
Season 3, Episode 15: I Dated a Robot
Fry: I wanna see the edge of the universe!
Amy: Ooh! That sounds cool.
Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe, but you never do these things till someone comes to visit.
---
Leela: You stifle, Bender.
Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally you're standing up to him.
---
Zoidberg: Someone in trouble is!
---
Zoidberg: The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see a movie of in the popcorn stadium.
---
Zoidberg: Did you see me escaping? I was all like--
[He woops.]
---
Zoidberg: Looks like you're retaining water.
[He snips it with his claws and it explodes. They cheer.]
---
[Zoidberg presses a button and a door opens, revealing a huge bag of popcorn behind it.]
Zoidberg: At least we've got food.
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
Leela: And don't eat it.
[Zoidberg groans and cuts the bag. He is knocked over by the high pressure popcorn that shoots out of it. The popcorn flies out the window and knocks over the pyramid of Liubots.]
---
[The popcorn submerges the Liubots and everyone cheers.]
Zoidberg: Life was bad but now it's good forever!
Season 3, Episode 16: A Leela of Her Own
~
Season 3, Episode 17: A Pharaoh to Remember
Zoidberg: [opening the coffin] Now if the deceased would kindly take his place of honour.
---
[He lies back. Zoidberg makes a bagpipe noise with his mouth flaps.]
Zoidberg: (singing) Oh, Danny-boy,
The pipes, the pipes are calling--
[Bender sits up again.]
Bender: Who-y-boy?
Zoidberg: (singing) From glen to glen and down--
Bender: Danny-boy? You're at my funeral, singing about some dead stiff named Danny-boy? You really are a massive bonehead.
Zoidberg: I'm expressing my sorrow.
Season 3, Episode 18: Anthology of Interest II
(Non-canon)
Bender: Well, let's see what kinda things this body can do. [He spits and Hermes leans out the way of it.] Hey, that's pretty fun. [He vomits and laughs.] Being human is great!
[He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! It's just like Mardis Gras!
---
Zoidberg: Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he, already?
---
Zoidberg: Pulse, 300; liver, failing; cholesterol, 40?
Leela: Well, that's not so bad.
Zoidberg: No, I mean 40 pounds!
---
[Zoidberg eats the pellets.]
Zoidberg: Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! [The cherry appears in front of him.] Ooh, and a cherry!
---
Lrrr: But-But space invaders need to do laundry too. I mean look at Donkey Kong here. Have you smelled his loincloth lately?
Zoidberg: Yes.
---
[A yellow cab pulls up and Zoidberg steps out.]
Zoidberg: And I'm the other guy, courage. Not enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.
---
Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something?
[He sniffs his armpit and groans.]
---
Leela: Why did you bring us here?
Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?
---
Farnsworth: I am the Professor, great and ... uh ... forgetful! [Nibbler pulls back the curtain revealing Farnsworth's big head on a small body.] Now, what do you nice kids want?
Zoidberg: Nothing! I'm leaving. But if you have extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe?
Farnsworth: Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?
[He hands Zoidberg a gun and he takes it, spins it around on his claw and mimics gunfire.]
Zoidberg: No, world, you put your hands up!
---
Zoidberg: Uh, sorry. I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet.
Season 3, Episode 19: Roswell that Ends Well
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew are disorientated. Zoidberg groans.]
Zoidberg: My head is spinning.
---
["Warning" displays on the screen and a klaxon beeps. Zoidberg holds his claws to his head.]
Zoidberg: Such noises!
---
Leela: Alright, here's the plan: Zoidberg, pick up the pieces. Everyone else, take five.
[They head back to the ship and Zoidberg starts recovering Bender. He uses Bender's arm as a pick-up stick and puts the bits in his chest cabinet.]
[Time Lapse. Later that night, a wolf howls and Zoidberg is still going.]
Zoidberg: And Zoidberg picks up another piece. The crowd goes wild! [He mimes a cheering crowd. Car headlights shine in his eyes and he shields them.] What is?
---
[Cut to: Airbase Hangar. Men open a crate. Zoidberg is inside behind some bars. He waves.]
Zoidberg: Hello! [The general winces.] So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever.
---
[Scene: Airbase Hangar. The men watch Zoidberg sleep on the table.]
General: What is your purpose here?
[Zoidberg wakes up.]
Zoidberg: (drowsy) Alright, Officer, I'll move along.
Man: What the general means is why did you come to Earth?
Zoidberg: Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.
---
[Cut to: Clean Room. Zoidberg enters back to front. He turns around and sees the food on a table.]
Zoidberg: A buffet! Oh, if only I had my wallet with me!
[Cut to: Observation Room. The man presses an intercom.]
Man: Um, it's free.
[Zoidberg squeals and gorges on the food. It splatters up against the mirror. The men peer into the room and recoil in horror as Zoidberg splatters himself against the window and licks the food off.]
---
[Scene: Interrogation Room. Zoidberg is tied to a chair. Truman sits opposite him with the general and other man behind him.]
Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.
Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people.
Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid?
Zoidberg: Are you coming onto me?
Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that!
Zoidberg: (sexfully) I'm not hearing a no.
[Truman stands up.]
Truman: Nerks to this space crab! If we want information, we'll have to do us an old-fashioned alien autopsy!
[A man holds up a saw behind Zoidberg. Zoidberg turns around.]
Zoidberg: Hooray!
---
[Scene: Airbase Autopsy Room. Pathologists have opened up Zoidberg and are looking inside. One dictates into a microphone.]
Pathologist #1: Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity.
[Zoidberg grabs the microphone.]
Zoidberg: And in this corner, Zoidberg! [He laughs.] C'mon! Lighten up! What is this, a funeral?
[The pathologist takes the microphone back. Another pulls out one of Zoidberg's organs.]
Pathologist #2: Heart.
Zoidberg: Take, I've got four of them.
Pathologist #1: Stomach contents: One deviled egg.
[He puts it in a kidney bowl.]
Zoidberg: Deviled egg?
[He slurps it and the pathologist pulls it out again.]
Pathologist #1: The same deviled egg.
---
[Scene: Airbase Autopsy Room. The pathologist saws Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Hey, don't cut that! I need that to speak!
[The pathologist hesitates then cuts faster. Fry and Leela burst into the room through the ceiling wearing jetpacks.]
---
[Fry pulls some organs out of Zoidberg and throws them at Truman.]
Fry: Take this, Mr. President-- Sir!
[He throws another organ and it hits Truman in the face.]
Zoidberg: The President is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honour!
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg tapes up his wound.]
Zoidberg: There! Good as new!
[Leela holds up an organ.]
Leela: Don't you need this one?
Zoidberg: Oh, no! That's my-- [He gags, chokes and keels over. He gets back up again, smiling.] Gotcha!
[Leela, not impressed, tosses the organ over her shoulder.]
Season 3, Episode 20: Godfellas
Farnsworth: No. I'm afraid the Smellescope isn't powerful enough. Bender's odour is so mild it's being overpowered by local sources.
[He, Fry and Leela glare at Zoidberg who jumps up and claps with delight.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! People are paying attention to me!
Season 3: Episode 21: Future Stock
Fry: (whispering) Psst! Watching myself work is making me hungry. Help me find some food somewhere.
Zoidberg: I'll not only help you find it, I'll help you do more to it!
---
Fry: Ooh! A Bot Mitzvah. Shalom, hunger! Shalom, free food!
[He walks in and Zoidberg follows. A robot blocks Zoidberg's path.]
Robot #1: No shellfish!
[He slams the door.]
Zoidberg: That is so unfair!
Pig: Tell me about it.
---
[He indicates the "free food" sign underneath and goes in. A man mark something on a clipboard. Zoidberg follows.]
Zoidberg: Question: Do you have to have been cryogenically frozen to get the free-- [The man slams the door in his face.] You didn't let me finish. I was going to say "to get the free food".
---
That Guy: Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people: Sheep and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?
Zoidberg: Uh, excuse me? Which is the one people like to hug?
---
That Guy: This company's gonna shoot straight to the top and stay there, like Cindy Lauper! I ask you: Who is the number one delivery service on Earth?
Zoidberg: Is it Planet Express, master?
[That Guy laughs.]
---
That Guy: I say we do! Now are we gonna let ourselves get beaten by an old lady?
[Zoidberg bows.]
Zoidberg: Yes, my liege!
---
[Zoidberg growls.]
Zoidberg: This company's circling the drain, I tell you. I'd sell my stock right now for a sangwich!
That Guy: Sold!
[He takes a sandwich out of a Miami Vice lunchbox and hands it to Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: A complete sangwich? [He laughs.] You got fleeced! I would have settled for a hard roll with ketchup inside!
---
That Guy: I neglected to mention that the shares I bought from Dr. Zoidberg gave me majority control.
Leela: Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?
Hermes: The shares were worthless and he kept asking for toilet paper.
---
Zoidberg: Oh! I have no shares! [He cries.] Wait! My sangwich! Has it also appreciated in value? [His sandwich has turned green.] Please, oh, please!
Hermes: You didn't even refrigerate it, you spineless lobster!
Zoidberg: You had to drag spines into this!
[He cries. Fry appears on the overhead monitors. He clears his throat.]
---
[The stock price rapidly fluctuates. Tape falls from the ceiling and the Planet Express staff slide down.]
Bender: Fry! Stop doing the right thing, you jerk!
Leela: Let Mom buy the company! We all wanna be filthy, stinking rich!
Zoidberg: Trust me, two out of three doesn't cut it!
---
Zoidberg: Aha! Once again the conservative sangwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! [He eats the sandwich.] Oh! I'm ruined. [He cries.] Why? Why?
Season 3, Episode 22: The 30% Iron Chef
Farnsworth: Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring.
Zoidberg: Oh!
[He reaches out to the bottle.]
Farnsworth: Get--! [He snatches it away.] For the last time, Zoidberg, look with your eyes, not with your claws.
---
Farnsworth: Zoidberg, are you coming?
[Zoidberg stops reaching for the bottle.]
Zoidberg: Sure. Me.
Farnsworth: Because I don't want you touching that thing.
Zoidberg: I know that. [Farnsworth leaves and Zoidberg picks up the bottle.] Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg! [He wiggles his mouth flaps inside the bottle and breaks off part of the ship. He screams and cuts the bottle in half.] Oh, no! Professor will hit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then perhaps gifts! [He picks up some "Strong Force Krazy Glue" but squeezes the bottle too soon and the glue squirts all over him. He screams and steps back. He turns around and some lab equipment and a sign reading "Zoidberg: Don't Touch!" gets stuck to him.] Ow! What? Oh!
---
[Things crawl around underneath the pie crust. Enter Zoidberg wearing a uncharacteristic long coat. The lab equipment pokes out from the coat and there is a cuckoo clock behind his head.]
Zoidberg: Casual hello. It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally. [The clock goes off and the cuckoo hits Zoidberg in the face.] Ow! Ouch! Get off of me! Stop!
Leela: How interesting, Dr. Zoidberg. Do go on.
---
Zoidberg: Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship! When the Professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca. [He cries then stops.] Wait! What would the robot do? [He thinks.] Frame someone!
Fry: What up?
[Zoidberg cackle maniacally.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Bathroom. Fry is in the shower with his back to the door. Enter Zoidberg.]
Fry: (singing) I'm walking on sunshine! [He hums and gargles.] Sunshine!
[Zoidberg replaces Fry's T-shirt with one with "I Hate Bottles" printed on it and eats the original.]
---
Farnsworth: I've gathered you all here in the accusing parlour because one of you is a miniature ship wrecker.
[Zoidberg gasps.]
Zoidberg: I'm acting astonished.
---
[He holds up a piece of paper with "Fry Confesses" written on it. On the bottom of the paper "From The Desk Of Dr. John Zoidberg, M.D." is printed.]
Zoidberg: Fry, you scoundrel!
Fry: Well, I don't remember any of that but I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself.
Farnsworth: Then I have no choice but to charge you the full cost of the materials: $10.
[Zoidberg gasps. Fry takes $10 out of his wallet.]
Fry: There you go.
[Violin strains play and Zoidberg puts his claws to his head.]
Zoidberg: (shouting) What have I done?
---
Fry: Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry and I've tried everything. [He open his wallet but it is empty.] Oh, right. Never mind.
[The violin strains play again and Zoidberg puts his claws to his head.]
Zoidberg: Oh, the guilt! The unbearable guilt!
---
Everyone cheers. Zoidberg runs onto the platform next to Bender and Koji.]
Zoidberg: Wait! Everyone must know: I broke the Professor's bottled ship. [The audience gasps.] And what is worse, I framed my dearest friend, Fry! (crying) I can never repay him his ten dollars, so I must take the only honourable path. What the killing myself. [He takes Koji's sword and rips his shirt open. More gasps.] Here I go, already. [He stabs himself but the sword crumples as it hits his shell.] Huh?
Koji: Oh! That sword cost 5000 dolluu!
[Zoidberg drops the sword.]
Zoidberg: Fry did it!
[He runs away, wooping.]
Season 4
Season 4, Episode 1: Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
Kif: Oh, thank you, merciful God!
[Zoidberg flies out.]
Farnsworth: Zoidberg? What the hell were you doing in there?
Zoidberg: That's where I live. I have no home.
---
Fry: Check it out, y'all. Everyone we invited is here.
Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg!
---
Kif: Is the bond I share with my smizmar, Amy. For soon, the quivering mass of life within me will depend on us both. [He rubs his bump.] Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing. And shortly, it will rend my loins in twain, burst forth and pull us down, down, down into the deep, dark waters of commitment.
Zoidberg: That's so beautiful!
[He dries his tears with a mouth flap.]
Season 4, Episode 2: Leela's Homeworld
~
Season 4, Episode 3: Love and Rocket
[The staff each open their box and take out blue overalls.]
Amy: Clool!
Zoidberg: Clothing, delicious clothing!
[He rubs his face against it.]
---
[Scene: The cargo bay doors open and the candy hearts float out and into the quasar.]
Zoidberg: (voice-over) As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporised into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was at exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays, but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world, couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg! And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!
[As he speaks there are shots of couples on Earth: Horrible Gelatinous Blobs in Paris, mutants in sewers, Amy and Kif, Fry and Leela on the Planet Express balcony. Zoidberg joins them and puts his arms around them.]
Season 4, Episode 4: Less than Hero
Zoidberg: I've got just the thing: Genuine miracle cream I bought from a travelling salesman. [Fry and Leela squeeze some onto their hands and rub it on themselves.] "Come one, come all," he said. "Step right up!" "This sounds too good to be true," I thought. He said I looked like a smart, young man. "So is it a deal?" I enquired. Two hours later he was gone, with 60 of my dollars. But I have the miracle cream--
---
Fry: (shouting) Hey, Zoidberg, get in here!
Zoidberg: (shouting; from elsewhere) Screw you!
Season 4, Episode 5: A Taste of Freedom
This is a Zoidberg-centric episode. Link to full script here.
Season 4, Episode 6: Bender Should Not be Allowed on TV
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. A "Happy Growth-Scraping Day" banner has been hung up along the back wall. LaBarbara and Amy fly up to the ceiling on rocket packs and hang streamers. Enter Zoidberg in tramp garb.]
Zoidberg: Look who's here, everyone! It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp!
[Hermes, Leela, Farnsworth, Cubert and Dwight applaud.]
Leela: Since when are you performing at children's parties?
Zoidberg: Performing? What? Please, if someone could spare me money to buy shoes--
[The five look away and Zoidberg sighs.]
---
Bender: OK, OK, OK. Get ready for this part.
Zoidberg: Quiet, robot! Bender's on TV.
---
Fry: Pft! What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group?
[Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group.
Zoidberg: That was uncanny.
---
Hermes: Where did you requisition this party? And Zoidberg, what are you doing here?
Zoidberg: I'm networking. Let me give you my card.
[He pulls out a scrap of card with "ZoiDBERg" written on it and offers it to Sally and Nina. Neither of them take it.]
---
[The kids groans and file out along with Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: So, do you guys know about anything else going on, because I'm totally still ready to party.
Season 4, Episode 7: Jurassic Bark
Fry: Which means we can clone it! Seymour will live again!
[Leela gasps.]
Zoidberg: A little land mammal!
---
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender the Magnificent has sawn Dr. Zoidberg in half. Although his feet look oddly human.]
Bender: Lady and gentleman! How 'bout a hand for my temporary replacement assistant?
[Scruffy and Leela applaud. Zoidberg jumps out of one half of the box.]
Zoidberg: I was all in this part! It's magic!
[Bender beats him with his wand with each word.]
Bender: You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard!
Zoidberg: Stop!
---
Bender: Please stop crying, Fry. Here. [He hands him a coloured handkerchief which is tied to several more in his sleeve.] I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog to toy with my emotions. Oh, what have I done?
[He starts to cry.]
Zoidberg: You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up.
Season 4, Episode 8: Crimes of the Hot
[Scene: Planet Express: Balcony. The staff stand wearing swimsuits as the sun beats down. Leela stands by an empty kiddie pool.]
Zoidberg: Hurry up with the water. I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am. It's that hot, it is!
---
Zoidberg: Strange: Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? [He snaps his claws.] It's a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! [No one reacts.] I don't hear any gasping.
Leela: We all figured that out.
[Zoidberg groans.]
Season 4, Episode 9: Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles
[Zoidberg is very small and crawls along the ground.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm a teenage heartthrob again!
---
Farnsworth: Initiating controlled infection.
[He pulls a switch and the chamber coughs. The room fills with a cloud.]
Zoidberg: I'm no doctor, but this machine guy could use a lozenge.
---
Amy: Yikes!
Zoidberg: What? I'm going to revert through all my larval stages?
---
[Farnsworth opens his shirt and reveals Zoidberg attached to his chest.]
Farnsworth: Get off me, you parasitic lamprey!
Zoidberg: Oh, sure, like you need all your blood.
[Farnsworth knocks him off and he woops and slides around on the floor. The kids scream.]
---
Zoidberg: I can't see from down here, I can't.
---
Zoidberg: (shouting) The current! It's too much, already! Help!
[Zoidberg gets closer to the vortex, turns grey, cracks and breaks up like Walter Donovan in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. The babies cry.]
Farnsworth: Jeepers!
Leela: Zoidberg is dead!
Zoidberg: No! Zoidberg's brother is dead! [Zoidberg has many heads and sits on the steps.] Funny story: I just reverted to the age where my siblings budded from me and my brother Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.
---
Farnsworth: (shouting) With my last breath I curse Zoidberg!
Season 4, Episode 10: The Why of Fry
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg sits in a bathtub and Amy sits at the table reading Martians Are From Mars, Venusians Are From Venus. Enter Fry wearing his red spacesuit.]
Fry: Delivery boy Philip J. Fry, reporting for duty.
Zoidberg: Dr. Zoidberg, soaking in brine.
[He relaxes and blows brine through his blowhole. It splatters on Amy but she doesn't notice.]
Fry: What is the meaning of this? We've got a delivery, people. Let's move! Let's move! [Amy and Zoidberg hop to it. Zoidberg woops.] Amy? Mission profile? [She hands him a card and he moves it backwards and forwards. The card is a hologram of a stick person handing a parcel to a dragon.] Interesting, interesting. Dr. Zoidberg, mission bag?
Zoidberg: Packed and ready, sir.
---
Leela: We got medals! Good work, team! We really pulled together on this one.
[Bender cheers and they bump each other. Fry looks on sadly.]
Zoidberg: (whispering) They got medals.
Season 4, Episode 11: Where No Fan Has Gone Before
Zoidberg: Shut your gills!
Season 4, Episode 12: The Sting
Zoidberg: I only wish I could have removed the stinger.
[They look at Fry's body. The huge stinger sticks out of his abdomen.]
---
[She opens the locker. It is empty. The crew sigh.]
Zoidberg: Bupkis!
---
Zoidberg: One spoonful calms you down. Two spoonfuls help you sleep. But three spoonfuls and you'll go into a sleep so deep you'll never wake up. Never!
---
Zoidberg: I should warn you, I'm a mean drunk.
---
Zoidberg: (singing) Ain't got no cash,
Ain't got no style,
Ladies vomit when I smile,
But does Zoidberg worry?
Feh! You wish!
[The bee stings him.]
Bee: (singing) Bee--
Zoidberg: (singing) Happy!
---
Zoidberg: And he talked non-stop. Like a parrot of the sea, he was!
Season 4, Episode 13: Bend Her
[Scene: Madison Cube Garden. Bender and Zoidberg watch some competitors warm up on the field. All is quiet between the two.]
Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg! The robot bending events are starting. [The robots flex their robot muscles.] Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals. [A crane drops three unbendable girders into the hands of a robot. The robot bends them with little effort. Bender gasps as he watches. The robot holds up the bent girders.] Wow! That guy must be like the world's greatest bender. My dreams of glory died before they began.
Zoidberg: Welcome to my life!
[He bursts into tears.]
---
Coilette: Nice try, sister. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to meet with my wedding planner. (shouting) Zoidberg. [Enter Zoidberg with a pile of eight wedding dress catalogues.] (talking) Zoidypoo, please tell me frilly is in this year.
[Zoidberg flips through a catalogue.]
Zoidberg: I saw a frilly cake in here you would remember all your life. I know I will. Late at night it haunts me with its frosted beauty. (shouting) Order the cake, damnit!
---
Leela: (whispering) OK, is everyone ready?
Fry: Check.
Amy: Uh-huh.
Hermes: Yep!
Zoidberg: Basically.
[They split and Zoidberg scuttles off and woops. At the front, the ceremony begins.]
---
Calculon: Is there a doctor in the--
Zoidberg: I came as soon as I could. [He puts a stethoscope to Coilette's head and gasps.] It appears to be a case of African hydraulic fever!
---
[She dies in a very melodramatic and soap-y way. Zoidberg eats what is left of the buffet.]
Zoidberg: [eating] I'm a doctor, she's dead.
Season 4, Episode 14: Obsoletely Fabulous
Sinclair: (shouting; from submarine) Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The staff wait, tense.]
Zoidberg: So, I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its wing.]
---
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Bender: Save my friends! [He screams.] And Zoidberg!
Season 4, Episode 15: The Farnsworth Parabox
[Zoidberg lifts the lid slightly.]
Zoidberg: So what's in the box, already?
Farnsworth: No peeking! [He hits Zoidberg with a hammer. Zoidberg cries out in pain.]
---
Zoidberg: In my experience, boxes are usually empty. Or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time pepperoni! [He clasps his claws together.] What a day that was! [He screams and pushes Fry and Bender out of the way.] (shouting) Give me the box!
---
[Scene: Universe 1: Alley. The two Zoidbergs sit in a dumpster. Flies buzz around them.]
Zoidberg 1: So, tell me about yourself.
Zoidberg A: Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor. Ooh! A can!
[He picks up the can and slurps the contents of it.]
Zoidberg 1: As for me, I design mansions, then live in them. [He bursts into tears.] (crying) I'm lying! I'm an appalling failure!
[Zoidberg cries too.]
Zoidberg A: (crying) Me too! A big, fat one!
Zoidberg 1: And those co-workers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they, from Nob Hill?
Zoidberg A: They're all like "Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg!" "Put on pants, Zoidberg!" "Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg!"
Zoidberg 1: Oh, that box! Too good for us, is it?
Zoidberg A: Bah! Someday they'll watch from down in the gutter, they will, as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box.
Zoidberg 1: You know, maybe a certain blue lobster saw where Professor hid the box.
[Zoidberg A laughs evilly and Zoidberg 1 joins in.]
---
[Cut to: Universe 1: Alley. Zoidberg 1 sits on a bin holding the box and wearing a Slurm cup on his head. Zoidberg A bows to him.]
Zoidberg A: All hail Zoidberg, the king with the box! [He kisses Zoidberg 1's feet.] Now it's my turn, maybe?
Zoidberg 1: The box says no.
---
[They hug and cry. The Zoidbergs walk in with the right box.]
Zoidberg 1: Why with the long faces?
[Leela 1 gasps.]
Leela 1: The idiots have the box!
Zoidberg A: I think she means you.
---
Zoidberg 1: (shouting) You coward! Wait for me!
---
Zoidberg A: Quick! Into another box!
Zoidberg 1: There aren't any in this universe, there aren't. Hey, you, what with the no boxes?
---
Zoidberg A: So long, Your Majesty!
Season 4, Episode 16: Three Hundred Big Boys
Zoidberg: A fortune, it is! At last Zoidberg will live like a rich man!
[He kisses the bill and Nixon squirms on it.]
Nixon: [on bill] Hey, cut it out! Go away! Get away!
---
[Scene: Diamonds Are Forever. Randy holds a "Going Out Of Business Sale". He hands jewellery to Zoidberg.]
Randy: Try these, uh, sir.
[Zoidberg puts the rings on his mouth flaps and looks at himself in the mirror.]
Zoidberg: I ask for rich guy stuff and you give me shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu.
[He shakes the rings off and they hit Randy on the head.]
Randy: Ow!
[Zoidberg woops and scuttles out.]
---
Zoidberg: Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you.
Amy: Hey, it is kinda like that.
Zoidberg: To induce vomiting, that was the solution. Everywhere it went! [He chuckles.] What a Valentine's Day that was!
---
[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Leela strolls out of the kitchen, whistling casually. Elzar serves Zoidberg.]
Elzar: Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.
[Zoidberg sniffs the food.]
Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? [He eats it and spits it out.] Pah! Where's the goose? Where's the fish?
Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.
Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday and it didn't cost me $300! I'm not paying. [He puts on a top hat.] Farewell, good sir!
[He leaves with a very classy scuttle and woop.]
---
[Scene: Golf Club. Zoidberg swings at the ball but repeatedly misses.]
Caddy: Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir?
Zoidberg: Ah! Thank you, golf slave. [He tightens his grip and cuts through the golf club.] Bah! Rich people wouldn't waste their time on this nonsense. Plus, these eggs are gritty and tasteless.
[He spits out three golf balls and whacks them with the half club.]
---
[Zoidberg scratches the tapestry and sniffs it.]
Zoidberg: What? It's not even scratch and sniff? But if rich people think it's good, I'll buy it. [He waves his $300 around.] One art, please!
---
[Cut to: Outside Museum of Natural History. Zoidberg walks out through the fire exit and sits on a dustbin.]
Zoidberg: (crying) Oh, what a foolish squid I've been. I'm not rich. I can't even buy one measly masterpiece.
[He sobs. The hobos approach him.]
Gus: Pardon us, gent. Might a couple of hungry, hungry hobos take a feed from that aluminum snack box?
[Zoidberg gets off the bin and the hobos rummage through it.]
Zoidberg: So now I'm in the gutter, surrounded by bums who eat garbage? Money brought me no happiness. Bupkiss!
---
Zoidberg: Welcome, one and all. I finally figured out how money could make me happy. By using it to buy my hungry friends a feast.
Season 4, Episode 17: Spanish Fry
Fry: Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
Zoidberg: Why?
Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters yet longed to be one.
Zoidberg: (sadly) I can so relate to that.
[He cries and hugs Leela. She pushes him away.]
---
Zoidberg: Bender, if you want to sleep in the tent tonight, you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning.
Bender: Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. [The trees collapse on top of him.] Real comfy!
---
Zoidberg: Well I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news, so let me break it to him gently. [He shakes him.] (shouting) Fry, you have no nose! Your nose is gone! You have no nose on your face! Where it is I can't say but on your face it's not!
---
Zoidberg: Cheer up, friend. When we get home a high-quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new.
---
Fry: Blech! We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in?
[Leela stands up.]
Leela: Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it.
Zoidberg: No, I'm good.
Season 4, Episode 18: The Devil's Hands Are Idol Playthings
[Fry sits on the couch. Zoidberg picks up the phone and dials.]
Zoidberg: Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer!
Man: [on phone] Hello?
Zoidberg: Hello? I'll take eight!
---
[Zoidberg leans forward to some people in front.]
Zoidberg: I watch TV with that guy!
---
Zoidberg: (singing) I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!
---
Zoidberg: (shouting) Yes you can! The beauty was in your heart, not your hands. [Fry picks the holophonor up and plays a bad tune. A crude holo-scene forms. A crude Holo-Fry and Holo-Leela walk out of some houses and stare at each other. The audience "boos".] The music's bad and you should feel bad.
---
Tinny Tim: (shouting) Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks.
Zoidberg: I'll take eight!
Season 5
Season 5, Movie 1: Bender's Big score
Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]
Zoidberg: What? I thought it was mine!
---
Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blond and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.
Zoidberg: Tell me about it.
---
Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?
Zoidberg: Watch and learn.
[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]
---
[Bender signs "bender@ilovebender.com" under "awong76@marslink.com" and "zoidberg@freemail.net"]
---
[Zoidberg scuttles in]
Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.
Amy: That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?
Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.
[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]
Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?
Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.
[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]
---
[Flebb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]
Flebb: Ship them out, Your Highness.
Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.
[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]
---
Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.
Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.
Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.
---
Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?
Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?
Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?
Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.
Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.
[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]
---
[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown with it", then hits a wall and explodes]
Zoidberg: Aawww...
---
[Door whooshes open off screen]
Nudar: Hello.
Nudar': Howdy.
Bender: Hey! What the ...?
[Crew gasps]
Zoidberg: There was one, but now there's two.
---
Scene: exterior Dr. Zoidberg's office door]
Zoidberg [voice over]: It's the damdest thing ...
[Cut to Dr. Zoidberg's office where he's sewing Farnsworth's hand back on.]
Zoidberg: ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgecicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tuckus.
---
Hermes: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me?
Zoidberg: Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens.
---
[Scene: Zoidberg's office, Hermes' decapitated body is sitting on the gurney. Zoidberg shakes Torgo's Executive Powder into a bowl]
Hermes: Come on, mon!
Zoidberg: [pouring some liquid from Hermes' jar into the bowl] Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this.
Hermes: Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. [looking down] What are those?
[Pull back to reveal Hermes' head is on backwards]
Hermes: You incompetent crab!
Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging.
Herems: Grrrrrr....
[Scene: exterior of Zoidberg's office. Door opens and Zoidberg rushes out whooping, followed by an angry Hermes.]
---
Leela: Now it's true we'll all miss Fry.
Zoidberg: He was the only one of you who never struck me.
---
Nudar: Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed.
Zoidberg: We're not unemployed ...
---
Amy: Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now.
Zoidberg: Yes. Now.
---
Lars: Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do.
Zoidberg: I say do what it tells us. [screams and clacks claws]
---
Amy: [raising hand] Maid of honor!
Zoidberg: [raising claw an instant later] Maid of honor! Ohhh.
---
[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]
Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.
Fry: Are you okay, Leela?
Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.
Zoidberg: [angry] You stay out of my dumpster!
[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]
---
Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the yetis.
Zoidberg: Yetis? [Yetis growl from outside] Oh, yetis.
Season 5, Movie 2: The Beast With a Billion Backs
Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be?
Farnsworth: Somewhere between not at all and entirely.
Zoidberg: I call entirely. [Jumps up and screams, upsetting the coffee table. Scuttles off whooping]
---
[Fry and Colleen kiss and leave. Zoidberg retches and throws up into two buckets.]
Zoidberg: This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit from my saltwater and freshwater stomachs.
Leela: It is pretty sickening.
Zoidberg: No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy. Fry told me how he and Colleen first met.
[Fade to hover bridge, pan down to park bench with silhouettes of Fry and Zoidberg sitting]
Zoidberg: So, how did you and Colleen first meet?
Fry: Well ...
---
Amy: Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru.
Zoidberg: Mazel tov!
---
[Kiff pulls an organ from his belly. Everyone clamors. Kiff throws it, Colleen catches it. She and Fry smile at each other and share a “moment”.]
Zoidberg: Are you going to eat that? [Zoidberg eats the bouquet]
---
[Fry and red team member collide, then both fall into holes with their balls. Score it tied 2 to 2]
Zoidberg: Hooray! We're equally good!
---
Farnsworth: Congratulations, deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly!
Zoidberg: What? I thought I was playing for my freedom!
---
Zoidberg: Take the deal Fry. If there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? Even if four other guys eat the other four slices, and they're all thrusting their sweaty naked bodies against the cake?
---
Zoidberg: You look wonderful, robot! I wish I cold afford to go to a hospital. I'm dreadfully sick. [Sneezes and expels yellowish gak all over Hermes and Amy. Bender laughs and hangs his wheels on a coat rack.]
---
Farnsworth: (VO) Emergency! Emergency! Everyone to the calamatorium!
[Leela, Amy, Hermes, and Zoidberg run in. Zoidberg is whooping]
---
[Bender pins the note on a surface which turns out to be Zoidberg]
Zoidberg: Ow.
---
Grand Priestess: I am the grand funeral director!
Zoidberg: Do you validate parking?
---
[Scene: Zoidberg's office.]
Electronic Voice: Collect call from Decapod 10. Will you pay for color?
Zoidberg: No! ... Uncle Zoid! What's new? You still doing theater for the blind and deaf?
Uncle Zoid: Screw them. I got a part in a fancy DVD movie! It's only one line, but I'm gonna ham it up like you wouldn't believe.
[A tentacle waves around above his head]
Uncle Zoid: (exclaiming) What crummy sin have I committed to be chastised in such a crazy manner?
[Screen goes to snow and noise, Uncle Zoid is heard screaming.]
Zoidberg: Hello? Hello? Call me back on my shell phone! [Holds a shell up to his ear]
---
[Scenes of people fleeing from the tentacle, including PE crew.]
Zoidberg: I can't make it! Go one without me!
Leela: I'm trying! [Zoidberg has her foot. He grunts and drags him along slowly].
Zoidberg: Go on without me faster!
---
Zoidberg: Hooray, Zoidberg escaped! [A tentacle gets him] Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle! [Tentacle drags Zoindberg out].
---
Fry: Come on out, guys! There's enough love for everybody!
[Group hug with other four boyfriends]
Zoidberg: Aw. [Vomits into two buckets]
---
[Scene: Tentacle cathedral. Amy and Colleen prepare Fry. Enter Zoidberg carrying a clipboard and a staff.]
Zoidberg: You're on in five minutes, Excellency. You sure you don't want your comedy pope staff? [The staff curls up and makes a slide whistle noise]
Fry: The tentacle monster is about the address the world. It's too serious.
Zoidberg: Oh. [The staff curls up and makes a slide whistle noise]
---
Zoidberg: We're rolling in three, two ...What? We're already rolling? [Sneaks out of picture]
---
Yivo: Attention, beings of Universe Gamma.
Zoidberg: Where?
Yivo: Here.
Zoidberg: I had a hunch.
---
Yivo: Really? I'm ... I'm deeply sorry. I ... I'm a big clumsy jerk!
Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am I? (chuckles)
---
Hermes: Look, fantastical golden escalators.
Zoidberg: I love this part.
---
Leela: Am I the only one who things this is all a sham?
Zoidberg: Yes.
---
Zoidberg: [loading up a tray at the All You can Eat Forever buffet table] You get an infinite number of meat dishes, and a free refill on the soda.
Season 5, Movie 3: Bender's Game
Leela: I don't care what the Professor says. We're entering that demolition derby to prove our ship isn't a piece of junk.
Zoidberg: But won't that turn our ship into a piece of junk?
Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg. He's right, Leela.
---
Zoidberg: Using this magneto, I will now guide the keys up the thorax and out via the frontal face hole. That's the storage locker, the boat, the other boat, pay dirt!
---
Leela: Now, I'll use the magnet to get the keys back in there.
Zoidberg: What? You mean I cut a big hole in him for nothing? [He begins placing organs back in Farnsworth's body.]
---
Leela (Into her Wristlojakimater): Leela to Zoidberg. Execute Distraction Protocol Alpha.
Zoidberg (From Wristlojakimater): Roger that.
[Zoidberg enters the room. He's balancing on a purple yoga ball while juggling four flaming torches.]
Zoidberg: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Ooh! [He falls and lands against the curtain. A torch sits next to him.] Don't look at me.
[The torch sets the whole curtain a blaze and it is quickly consumed. Hermes gasps.]
---
Farnsworth: That's not the point. Your temper is out of control. And to think I'd have never even known if it weren't for the lengthy and unsolicited tattling of Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: She also took home two rolls of Scotch tape.
Farnsworth: Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg.
---
Hermes: Sorry, it's the only collar they had in stock at Office Depot.
Zoidberg: I hope you picked up some Scotch tape while you were there.
Bender: That's a good one.
[He puts his arms around Zoidberg and laughs as Leela struggles to her feet. She grabs Bender's arm and activates the shock collar sending the charge through Bender and to Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams in pain as he is shocked.]
---
Zoidberg: Well, here's your problem, right here. You've got a skull embedded in your head.
Leela: [Annoyed sigh.] You're absolutely right, Doctor. Can the collar come off now?
Zoidberg: Let me just peel your head a little and see if I can get that skull out. [He pulls a large potato peeler. He prepares to "fix" Leela's problem, but she gets angry and activates the shock collar while kicking the utensil out of his grip. It flies into the groin of an upside down poster of the human body.]
Zoidberg: So, you tell me, little miss expert, why always with the temper? Calm down for once and think. Here, enjoy a relaxing spritz from my empathy bladder. [She is squirted with a light green liquid and the collar emits a shock. Leela isn't phased by it.]
Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger?
Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you. [The collar emits a shock.]
Zoidberg: I'm beginning to understand. It all goes back to your parents.
Leela: What? [The collar is intermittently shocking her now.]
Zoidberg: You harbour resentment because they pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man. [He dances around and sings a tune then falls to his knees and sobs.] Why? Whyyy?
Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago.
Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them. (To an intercom:) Amy, cancel my appointments.
---
Turanga Munda: Would you like a napkin, Doctor?
Zoidberg: Thank you.
Leela: Satisfied, Zoidberg? My relationship with my parents is fine.
Turanga Munda: Now, hold on, Leela. Maybe this torture collar is good for you.
Leela: What? [ she is shocked.] Ow!
Turanga Munda: It'll control your temper. Men like a woman who's not always slamming their head in the car door.
Turanga Morris: She's right. That's what first attracted me to your mother. [He laughs and Leela's collar emits a shock.]
Turanga Munda: So, Leela, I understand your friend here is a physician, and I'm not seeing a ring on his claw.
Leela: Mom, he's a cockroach from outer space. [A large shock is dispensed and Leela screams.]
Zoidberg: Good, Leela, work that anger out. Excuse me a moment, I'm swarming with parasites. [He sticks his fork under a flap on his chest and many bugs crawl around it. There is a knock on the window, Turanga Morris answers it.]
---
Zoidberg: Someone do something.
Leela: I would, but... [She is shocked.] Ow! Take my collar off.
Zoidberg: I can't, I'm still eating. [He shovels food into his mouth and Bender attacks him by smashing his head with the shield.] Help me, Leela.
[Leela prepares to attack Bender, but is brought to the floor by a shock from the collar. She chokes to get it off.]
Bender: I cast upon thee a spell of fireball! [He burps behind a lit candle in Leela's direction. The fireball sets the couch, then house on fire. Bender has them cornered and uses his arm as a bow to fire utensils at the group. The all struggle to dodge the shots, but a spoon strike Zoidberg in the forehead. Bender readies to fire a spork.]
Zoidberg: No. Not the spork.
---
Fry: Bender, no. When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won't make you cool?
Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'm a doctor. I'm sure the robut will be just fine with a little help.
---
Zoidberg: Friends, friends, stop everything. There's food in this shaker. [He begins sucking the salt out of a salt shaker, accidentally swallows it and sneezes mucus all Leela, who becomes angry and is administered a shock.]
---
Farnsworth: Really? I didn't think anyone was interested. It all started 30-odd years ago. [Farnsworth starts a VO. Fade to a flashback of Farnsworth sitting at a desk. He is molding a chemistry model and Mom joins him, similar to the scene from Ghost.] I was working in Mom's laboratories for the third time after twice before realizing how evil she was and vowing never to work for her again. But somehow the rich, wrong stench of her boney charms kept calling me back.
[Everybody announces their disgust.]
Zoidberg: Don't stop, Professor. I'm getting aroused. [His mating fin rises.]
---
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Amy: You perfected dog mascara?
Farnsworth: Far from it. If you ask me, they look like a bunch of hookers. But what I have invented is a means of locating the missing crystal. [Everybody gasps.] When I push this button, the crystal will emit a high-frequency stink.
Zoidberg: [He is putting on eye mascara.] Hurray!
---
Frydo: Well, at least we didn't have to face the tunneling whatchimacallit. [The cave begins to shake.] Uh-oh.
[Zoidberg's head pokes out from behind a wall.]
Zoidberg: Enough already with the banging and the swashbuckling.
[He crawls over the wall to reveal he's a large, centepede-esque creature. Everybody screams as he stand in front of them.]
Leegola: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you. [she shoots an arrow into his chest and he snaps it off.]
Zoidberg: Watch where you're shooting that thing. [She shoots him again.] Again? What, am I talking to myself over here?
Leegola: Mutilate! [She draws her sword and begins stabbing his belly.]
Zoidberg: Okay. Now, I'm getting a little mad even.
[He makes noises as he snatches up the five of them with his claws. Leegola gets loose.]
Leegola: I'll kill you and eat your heart, you abomination. [She slices his chest open, pulls out his heart and tears a chunk out with her teeth.]
Zoidberg: [He laughs.] Don't make me laugh. The very idea that removing only one of my two hearts could... Hey, what are you doing down there? [Leegola pulls out his second heart and drops it.] Now, I'm dead. [He falls to the ground, but Leegola is still stabbing him.]
Frydo: Leela, it's over. You killed him enough.
Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror.
Zoidberg: What? I'm not the Tunneling Horror. I hate that guy. Always with the tunneling. Anyway, I'm dead. [He lays back down.]
Leegola: So, you're just an innocent monster. Oh, God. What have I done?
[The cave starts rumbling.]
Zoidberg: Oh! There he goes again.
---
Leegola: No, no more killing.
Zoidberg: Oh! So, suddenly, Miss Goody Four-shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago. What am I? Chopped liver?
Leegola: Shut up. [She slashes into his chest.]
Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver.
---
Frydo: They's following us's.
Zoidberg Head: You know, you talk like that, it's gonna cost you points at a job interview.
Frydo: What does it wants?
Zoidberg Head: First of all, I resent being called "it." I prefer jerkhole or simply [Disgusted noise.] Second, I thought I could help you destroy the die, maybe.
---
Frydo: I'm too exhausted. I can't go on.
Zoidberg Head: I'm here for you, my friend. I'll drag you onward. Even to my last ounce of strength. Grab onto my testicles.
Frydo: You know, I think maybe I can walk after all.
'Momon: (From the die:) That's not Wipe Castle. [She gasps.] The dodeca-call is coming from inside the house.
[Frydo grunts as he works his way to the top of a ledge over the lava. Momon hears him and screams as she spots him across the cave.]
Zoidberg Head: What are you waiting for, Frydo? Throw it already in the boiling plastic.
Frydo: I would. But... (In raspy voice:) Me's enjoys owning it.
Zoidberg Head: Stop talking like that. It gives me anxiety. [He launches himself at Frydo and bites his tushie.]
---
Frydo: So, it's all come down to this. A dungeon and dragons.
Zoidberg Head: I didn't see it coming.
---
Zoidberg Head: [He picks up the die.] I got it. Now I can throw it in the hot thing over there and be the hero. On the other hand, infinite power might be nice.
---
Zoidberg Head: [While jumping and spinning between Frydo and Momon.] I have all the dice. I am the dungeon master. I know all and see... [He is squished by the falling Greyfarn. The die rolls away from him and Momon quickly snatches it up.]
Season 5, Movie 4: Into the Wild Green Yonder
Professor Farnsworth: Is he badly hurt, Dr. Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: I don't quite know how to say this. (Sobbing:) Fry is dead!
[Everybody starts sobbing, but then Fry groans and wakes up.]
Zoidberg: Wait, not dead. The other thing.
---
Zoidberg: Look out, Vegas, I've got a system. [He inserts a quarter and pulls the lever while laughing. The rolls of the machine land on "OUT OF ORDER," "OUT OF ORDER" and "NO REFUNDS."] Oh. I'm bankrupt.
Fry: [He chuckles.] You said it, Hermes. He is pathetic, but lovable.
Hermes: Yup. What? I said no such thing, mon.
---
Hermes: Line up, people! Everyone take a shovel and one sixth of the planet. We'll meet back here in 50 years, our bodies broken and our lives wasted.
Zoidberg: And you say these are free shovels?
---
Zoidberg: Now for a triple clam dip, with a double - [The ball smashes into his head and knocks him on his back.] OW! [He falls off the diving board and lands on the concrete surrounding the pool.] OW!
---
Zoidberg: :[He picks it up and laughs.] Squirm all you want, you nasty dumpling. One less species for the universe, one more breakfast for...
Leela: Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: Leela. Me saving things the leech. Not the eating of it.
Leela: Zoidberg, I'm very surprised at you, slightly.
---
Leela: Goodbye, sweet goofbag.
[She walks over to the Camper, knocks twice and gets pulled in. They fly away. Zoom out of just Fry standing on the sidewalk to show Zoidberg and Bender are there as well.]
Bender: :[He sighs.] I'll miss her, too, buddy. Dibs on her iPod.
Zoidberg: Dibs on her- ohh...
---
Farnsworth: Hold out your hands and I'll remove your career chips.
Zoidberg: I hate to see it come to an end. [His chip is removed and he screams in agony.] When will it end?
---
Leela: Under the articles of the confemiracy, we hereby wo-mandeer this ship.
Zoidberg: Oh, no, you don't. It's three against three.
[Many other Feministas drop through a second hole and land on the the manly trio.]
---
Hermes: The shot was too good! We're jamming straight for the hole.
Zoidberg: We're gonna crash, even.
---
Leela: Crud nuggets! We de-spaced right next to the Nimbus.
Zoidberg: Just when you think the chase is over, it gets twice as exciting!
---
Leela: Look! The asteroid. Now it's crawling with life. Like Zoidberg's sandals!
---
Zoidberg: Say, what's that violet-colored dwarf-like star thing we're drifting into?
Leela: The violet dwarf star!
Fry: Of course. The gorilla was the 18th hole, so we're headed into the ball return.
Zoidberg: Aye, what else now can go wrong?
[The ship shakes and there is a loud crash.]
---
Zoidberg: We finished un-pinking the ship, Hubert. Now what?
Farnsworth: Now we get back to work. And if that means destroying an ecosystem or two, so be it.
Zoidberg: I just meant without our good friends Fry, Leela, Amy and the robut.
Season 6
Season 6, Episode 1: Rebirth
Farnsworth: Of course, that was the Panama Wormhole, Earth's central channel for shipping!
[Zoidberg laughs.]
Zoidberg: How humorous.
Farnsworth: Yes! It's sort of a Comedy Central channel, and we're on it now!
---
Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Hermes, my friend! Let me cut off your umbilical cord. [He cuts off something of Hermes] Oops.
---
Amy: And yet, it still hasn't stopped the elusive bathroom burglar.
Zoidberg: [with toilet paper in his mouth] Maybe he's just trying to feed his family. [ate the toilet paper]
---
Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, can you note the time and declare the patient legally dead?
Zoidberg: Can I? That's my specialty.
---
Fry (gasps): I'm a robot, too!
Zoidberg: [picking up an x-ray of Robot Fry] Aha! That explains this growth on your drive shaft.
Season 6, Episode 2: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela
Zoidberg: Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a "death sphere"?
---
Amy: Well, I guess it's time to indulge in some end-of-the-world debauchery. Who's up for an orgy?
[Everyone obliges excitedly, but then have second thoughts.]
Zoidberg: Maybe a Parcheesi tournament.
Farnsworth: Belay that Parcheesi tournament! I've identified the death sphere! We may yet have a faint hope of survival!
Zoidberg: Still, a Parcheesi tournament.
Season 6, Episode 3: Attack of the Killer App
Bender: Down in front!
[Zoidberg is seen with the fin on his head.]
Zoidberg: Sorry, I get aroused in crowds.
[The fin disappears.]
Poopenmeyer: I will now
---
Zoidberg: But if Leela should find out, her dignity sac will rupture.
---
Zoidberg: Don't feel bad. At least you're not Leela.
Season 6, Episode 4: Proposition Infinity
Zoidberg: Bender, old friend. What's on your face?
---
Fry: Hey, where's Amy and Bender?
Zoidberg: They're missing out on some hot pickle action. [He licks his mouth flaps.]
---
Hermes: Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what happens between two consenting adults.
Zoidberg: Or one!
---
Bender: Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? Blech.
Zoidberg: I guess we should have waited in the ship.
---
Zoidberg: [He is admiring Amy's ring] Such a stone. Is it real? [Amy pulls up Zoidberg's coat and uses the diamond to cut through Zoidberg's skin, revealing his internal organs.] Horray!
Season 6, Episode 5: The Duh-Vinci Code
Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I just brought the original. [He drags in a stone slab with the Last Supper on it.]
Zoidberg: Jesus Christ! ...and his Twelve Apostles!
---
Zoidberg: Maybe da Vinci painted over something else. It's called a pentimento.
Farnsworth: That's true, Dr. Zoidberg. How did you know that?
Zoidberg: My doctorate is in Art History.
---
Leela: My God! Saint James was a robot!
Zoidberg: My God! da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue.
Season 6, Episode 6: Lethal Inspection
Bender: Impossible! I'm triple sealed to prevent any chance of ... [He looks behind him and shrieks. He is leaking oil.]
Zoidberg: You call that an ink defense? [His coat tears off and he sprays ink everywhere and scuttles off] Goodbye, friends!
---
Zoidberg: So you wish you were never born, maybe?
Bender: Yes, anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time!
Zoidberg: Then suicide it is. Step into my office. I'll give you a nice Kervorking.
Season 6, Episode 7: The Late Philip J. Fry
Zoidberg: The three coworkers I liked... all dead!
---
Old Zoidberg: I've been crunching the numbers on our transgalactic strategy—
Old Leela: What are you doing here? I laid you off twenty years ago.
[Zoidberg flees. But he can't keep it up.]
Old Zoidberg: Oh, the claws can't flee like they used to.
Season 6, Episode 8: That Darn Katz!
Zoidberg: I'm petting mine down to the bone. [He strokes a cat, causing hair to be chopped off.]
---
Zoidberg: But we're plotzing here!
Season 6, Episode 8: A Clockwork Origin
Zoidberg: [He and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.] Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! [Cubert looks at him, deadpan.] What, too soon?
Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.
Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.
---
Ben Beeler: Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. [The crowd chuckles weakly.]
Zoidberg: [To Cubert.] He's good.
---
Zoidberg: Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch.
Cubert: Why don't you just go to Hell!
Zoidberg: Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they?
---
Zoidberg: Hello, I remembered you like superheroes so I painted you a mural on your wall. [He points to a crude drawing of himself and Cubert in costume.] This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working?
Cubert: This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt!
Zoidberg: [Sadly.] Father-Man away. [He scuttles off. Cubert looks ashamed.]
---
Cubert: Dr. Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg... I mean, loser. [Zoidberg comes out of his dumpster.]
Zoidberg: Go on.
Cubert: It's just that I get bullied a lot. I guess I kinda make fun of people as a defense mechanism.
Brett Blob: Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion? [He laughs.]
Cubert: Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit.
[Brett's insides start boiling and he pushes himself through a fence, coming towards Cubert. Cubert sees this and backs away, whimpering.]
Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know just how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared. I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new? [He bursts into tears.]
Brett: [He laughs.] The pee-babies peed themselves. I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.
Zoidberg: And that's that.
Cubert: Woah! You're like some kind of dumpster Jedi.
Zoidberg: So, you wanna come in maybe? [He opens the other lid.] I've got a nice pound cake with a footprint on it.
---
Farnsworth: Then it's settled. Finally, a world in which I'm happy to raise my son!
Zoidberg: Good, cause I'm sick of him!
[Closing Credits.]
Zoidberg: [Over credits.] I'm serious. He's a terrible person.
Season 6, Episode 10: The Prisoner of Benda
Bender: A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires.
Zoidberg: Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job. [He takes an eel out of a bucket label "Aquarium Garbage" and wraps it around himself like a cravat.]
---
Fry: Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body.
Zoidberg: Friends! Friends! I've got barnacles on my tuchus! [He shows them.]
Hermes: The long search is over.
---
Zoidberg: Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why. [He and Fry switch bodies.]
---
Zoidberg: [in Fry’s body.] Robot?
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Yes, 'tis I, Bender. Do you not recognize your own best friend?
Zoidberg: [in Fry’s body.] Aha! The guy in this body has a friend! Bender, old pal! It's me, the Fry! [He hugs Nikolai.]
---
Zoidberg: [in Fry's body.] Well, Bender, here's our apartment that we live in everyday. [He opens the door and looks inside.] A floor? We live like kings?
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Kings? Silence! Like you, I'm a common lout. Now fetch me some working-class cognac from our brandy storeroom that you know how to find.
Zoidberg: [in Fry's body.] [He starts looking in the dishwasher, which he breaks and rips off the wall. Nikolai screams as the kitchen starts to flood.] Relax, Bender. I'll dry up that leak with this heating box. [He rips the oven off the wall and places it where the dishwasher was. Gas starts leaking.]
Season 6, Episode 11: Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences
Zoidberg: This is wonderful!
Fry: It is, isn't it? Wait, those are the ads.
Zoidberg: These X-ray specs will really take the guesswork out of surgery. No more chopping blindly in the goop.
Prof. Farnsworth: Don't waste your allowance, Zoidberg. This stuff is butt-grade crap.
---
Nerd: What are you doing? [He pulls the toy out of Zoidberg's mouth.] That's the rare Zapp Brannigan with recording session blooper! [He presses a button on the figure.]
Action Figure: Don't tell me how to do the line. It sickens me.
Zoidberg: But the sign said there was a mint in the box.
---
Grrrl: [She runs up.] Come back, Lrrr! I wanna have your Popplers! They'll never be anyone but you! [She looks at Zoidberg.] Hello.
Zoidberg: Of course I'll marry you!
Season 6, Episode 12: The Mutants are Revolting
Mrs. Astor: I shall take it here, under my fork.
[Bender uses his extensomatic arms to deliver the soufflé. He withdraws into his chest and the rest of the crew hides behind him. Mrs. Astor eats a bite.]
Zoidberg: Where's the exploding?
---
Amy: We were sentence to two weeks in the sewer for harboring a mutant.
[Zoidberg floats down while holding an umbrella.]
Zoidberg: Three dollars at the drug store.
---
Leela: How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a camel hump or a Zoidberg face.
Zoidberg: Urgh!
---
Zoidberg: Maybe we can plotz in that giant cockle. [He points to a bus.]
---
Zoidberg: Well, everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye. [He removes the skeleton.]
---
Fry: I think I'm knowing what it's like to be a mutant.
[The boat gets to shore and the rest of the crew walks to the dock.]
Zoidberg: So, what's with all the screaming?
---
Zoidberg: Horray! A happy ending for the rich people!
Season 6, Episode 13: The Futurama Holiday Spectacular
(Non-canon)
Zoidberg: What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking? [A loud, boring sound is heard. Leela adjusts the mirror so that she can see an huge, albino (red-eyed, white) worm-looking thing.]
---
Hermes: I'm glad you all could be here with my family. Kwanzaa traditions are quite ancient, dating back over 1,000 years.
Fry: Woah!
Zoidberg: If only someone could tell us more about these traditions. [He turns to the wall.]
---
Kwanzaa-bot: And I'm gonna tell you all how we celebrate Kwanzaa. Zoidberg, lay down a beat.
Zoidberg: How about I just lay down?
---
Queen: Man, my hive's been going buck-wild since these blood-ganking butt crabs moved in.
[She shows them the crabs on her but. They groan in disgust.]
Zoidberg: Been there, done that.
---
Zoidberg: Hurray! Kwanzaa-bot's here to save— [A squishing noise is heard.] Aw, they killed him.
Season 6, Episode 14: The Silence of the Clamps
Bender: Goodbye, Professor. [Bender and Professor Farnsworth shake hands.] Before I leave, I just want you to know I've never done any work whatsoever. [Bender walks up to Zoidberg.] Zoidberg, I know it seems like I can't stand you. [Bender walks up to Leela and holds her hands.] Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now.
Leela: Oh, Lord.
---
Professor Farnsworth: Snipping? [Professor Farnsworth laughs and turns to Zoidberg.] Looks like you may be out of a job, Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg laughs ironically.]
Zoidberg: That's all good fun. But, of course, a clamp is no substitute for the precision of a genuine—
[Amy stands up.]
Amy: Francis, would you do the honours?
[Amy holds a crying baby who still has an umbilical cord. Clamps prepares to cut the cord, but Zoidberg quickly does it instead of him, alarming Amy. The baby stops crying.]
Zoidberg: [to Clamps, screaming] Stay off my turf!
---
Zoidberg: [off camera] Greetings, Francis. [Zoidberg walks up to Clamps. Clamps looks at him.] Sorry if I was a little hostile before, but snipping is the only reason I'm even tolerated around here. Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers!
---
Leela: Oh! You know who could help with that?! [Leela looks at the others. Zoidberg walks up to Leela and Sheriff Burley and claws three times.] Francis!
[Zoidberg looks shocked. The camera zooms out, revealing Clamps. Clamps laughs and helps Sheriff Burley cut the rope. Zoidberg is crestfallen.]
---
Zoidberg: [off camera] Drop the Robut. [Clamps looks to his right. Zoidberg claws five times.] I thought I told you. I do the cutting around here.
[Clamps lets go of Billy West. Billy West falls down. Clamps stands in front of Zoidberg. A tumbleweed rolls to the left and then to the right. Amy, Fry, Leela, Professor Farnsworth, and Hermes show up, gasp, run towards a water tank, and hide behind it, peeking out at the showdown. Clamps clamps a bird that flies by. Zoidberg claws another and eats it. Close-up on each one's face. Fry, Leela, Hermes, and Amy are scared, looking at Clamps and Zoidberg. Professor Farnsworth is scared, looking away.]
Clamps: Scuttle on home. [Clamps points at Zoidberg with his left clamp.] This ain't none of your business, Slick.
[Zoidberg points at himself with his right claw.]
Zoidberg: My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. [Zoidberg looks up.] [screaming] John [beep sound]-ing Zoidberg!
[Zoidberg screams as he jumps towards Clamps.]
Fry: Stop, Zoidberg! [Leela looks at Fry with interest.] You'll hurt Francis!
[Leela looks at Fry with disappointment. Clamps' clamp and Zoidberg's claw engage. They begin fighting.]
Clamps: Oh, yeah? Take this! That that!
Zoidberg: [quickly, repeatedly] Oy!
Clamps: Why, you lousy— [Zoidberg throws Clamps through a window with HARDWARE painted on it, partially destroying it. Clamps emerges with vises on his body, shakes them off, screams, and jumps at Zoidberg, making him fall on a water tank. Zoidberg emerges with lobsters on his body, shakes them off, screams, and attacks Clamps.] I'm gonna clamp ya!
[Clamps drives Zoidberg to his knees and clamps his head. Zoidberg makes a crustacean noise.]
Zoidberg: [screaming] Oy! [Zoidberg's head is almost broken.] Ow. Ow. Ow.
[Clamps laughs.]
Clamps: Looks like an all-you-can-kill lobster fest.
Zoidberg: That offer was for a limited time only.
[Zoidberg's fin comes out of his head, making Clamps take his clamps off it. Zoidberg puts his claws around Clamps' clamps, stands up, and claws them. Clamps screams and falls on his knees.]
---
Fry: Why, Zoidberg?! Why?!
[Zoidberg points at Clamps with his left claw.]
Zoidberg: Because our friend Francis here is in reality... A bad murderer.
[Fry looks surprised. Billy West and the Crushinator walk up to them.]
---
Bender: Woo! [Bender stands up, opens the pizza box, and grabs a cutter from a pocket in his apron.] I'll just cut that.
[Zoidberg hits the table with his right claw, scaring the others, and points at Bender with his left claw.]
Zoidberg: You do and I'll [beep sound]-ing gut you like a fish!
Season 6, Episode 15: Mobius Dick
Lando Tucker: We'll deliver that package or die trying.
[Zoidberg, who has brown hair resembling that of Fonzie from Happy Days and is wearing a pair of shorts, enters and walks up to Candy, Lifter, and Lando Tucker.]
Zoidberg: Eh! It's all my favourite patients. And also Captain Tucker. Pow!
[Lifter and Lando Tucker laugh.]
Candy: Whoa!
[Candy and Zoidberg high-five. Lando Tucker points at Zoidberg.]
Lando Tucker: You totally got me, Dr. John. [Lando Tucker crosses his arms.] You're hilarious.
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room, 3011. Hermes, Amy, Fry, Bender, and Leela turn to Zoidberg.]
Hermes: Zoidberg was popular?!
Amy: Zoidberg had hair?!
---
Hermes: Incredible! [Hermes turns to his right.] Zoidberg had friends?!
[Hermes shrugs.]
Zoidberg: It was a different time.
[Zoidberg shrugs.]
---
Zoidberg: Aw! Don't make me remember! So horrible, it was.
[Zoidberg screeches and falls down.]
---
Leela: Or die trying.
Zoidberg: We're gonna try— What?
[Bender, Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes look scared.]
---
Zoidberg: Aw... I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot.
[Zoidberg puts his claws around his head. The dials go in both directions. The camera zooms out, revealing Amy.]
---
Zoidberg: I remember. I remember! [Zoidberg walks up to the table.] This is what traumatised me. Such a meal to got to waste! [Zoidberg takes his helmet off, throws it away, and eats the food.] And, with that... [Zoidberg burps.] I have closure.
[Zoidberg's fin appears.]
Amy: Hey, Zoidberg. You're cockatieling.
[Amy points at Zoidberg's fin. Zoidberg turns to his left.]
Zoidberg: Oh, no. [Zoidberg blinks.] Something's happening! [Zoidberg looks around.] What's happening?!
[Zoidberg looks up.]
[Cut to: Space. The first Planet Express ship and the current Planet Express ship are seen. The camera zooms out, revealing a black hole. A gigantic sperm whale emerges out of the black hole and whistles.]
[Cut to: The first Planet Express ship kitchen. Amy, Bender, Fry, Hermes, and Leela gasp. The sperm whale passes by the window.]
Zoidberg: Oh, right! And there was a giant killer space whale.
---
Zoidberg: Relax, friends.
[Cut to: Space. Another black hole appears. The space whale emerges out of it and whistles.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express ship bridge. Hermes is typing at a computer, the screen of which shows the space whale. Zoidberg's fin appears. Zoidberg looks at it.]
Zoidberg: Panic, jerks!
---
Leela: That's it! [Leela stands up.] I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and—
[Fry and Hermes jump at Leela.]
Zoidberg: Aw! So close.
---
Zoidberg: Hello.
[Cut to: The Planet Express laboratory. Professor Farnsworth cuts the hair on the left side of Zoidberg's head with scissors on his left hand.]
Professor Farnsworth: Think, Zoidberg. [Professor Farnsworth rotates Zoidberg to the left.] You must remember something!
[Professor Farnsworth puts both his hands on Zoidberg's shoulders. Zoidberg is sitting on a chair.]
Zoidberg: No! Nothing! For all I know, our friends could've been eaten by some kind of crazy space whale!
[Professor Farnsworth gets to the back of the chair, pulls the scissors out of his jacket with his right hand, cuts the hair on the right side of Zoidberg's head, hits a table with his left hand, and puts the scissors on his right hand on it.]
Professor Farnsworth: Damn that Bermuda Tetrahedron! [Professor Farnsworth grabs a shaving machine with his left hand.] It's taken my latest crew just as it took my first one!
[Professor Farnsworth shaves Zoidberg's head.]
Zoidberg: Not to mention those single socks from the dryer. Am I right?
[Professor Farnsworth hits Zoidberg.]
---
Professor Farnsworth: Welcome, everyone. [Zoidberg is eating a popsicle.] What a pleasure to see so many miserable faces.
Zoidberg: Mmm! Lemony!
---
Zoidberg: Oh, no! [Zoidberg stands up.] My deal is doing the thing!
[All look up. A black hole appears. The four-dimensional space whale emerges out of it.]
Professor Farnsworth: Good Lord! It's some kind of inter-dimensional space whale!
[Professor Farnsworth shrugs.]
Zoidberg: I just remembered. [Zoidberg's fin disappears.] That's the guy! [Zoidberg grows unkempt, brown hair.] Oy! Now with the horror hair.
---
Zoidberg: That sounds clever, but it doesn't explain much.
[Zoidberg shrugs.]
Leela: Shut up, Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Okay.
Season 6, Episode 16: Law and Oracle
Fry: [voice-over] After centuries as a delivery boy, nothin' surprises me.
[The little boy is run over by a bus. The caption GAME OVER appears on screen, followed by F.B.I. WARNING: WINNERS DON'T PLAY VIDEOGAMES.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Fry is playing an arcade game called DELIVERY COMMAND.]
Zoidberg: You stink, loser.
---
Roberto: What? A fella can't drop in on ol' friends and hold 'em hostage?
[Roberto positions his knife in front of Zoidberg's neck.]
Zoidberg: [calm] I'm good! And you?
---
Roberto: [off-camera] And, every five minutes I don't get it, someone's gonna get stabbed in the ass!
Zoidberg: [off-camera] He's bluffing. [A stabbing sound is heard.] Ouch!
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Zoidberg looks terrified as Roberto threatens him.]
Zoidberg: He's not bluffing!
---
Zoidberg: Hooray! Free sky sticks! [A lightsaber falls on Zoidberg's head, ridding him of his crust.] Ooh. [Zoidberg points his finger accusingly.] Police brutality!
---
Professor Farnsworth: No, I just said that for Fry's benefit. May the poor fellow feel better about his pointless job.
[Leela and Amy nod with their eyes closed.]
Hermes: As much as I miss 'im, he didn't really serve much purpose around here. [Leela and Amy open their eyes.] Though he did walk Zoidberg.
[The camera pans over to Zoidberg, who is biting on a leash and whining. Zoidberg spits out the leash.]
---
Zoidberg: Things used to be funny around here! Noses were picked. Pants fell down. So what changed? Only Fry could say... And he's gone!
Season 6, Episode 17: Benderama
Hermes: So there it is, people. Due to budget cutbacks, we will no longer be offering free squid guts in the kitcken.
[Zoidberg bursts out sobbing. The Professor hustles in.]
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo! Everyone, look at my latest invention.
[The Professor puts down a machine resembling an overhead projector. It is labelled BANACH-TARSKI DUPLA-SHRINKER.]
Zoidberg: [monotonously] Okay.
---
Leela: I just like having the end locker. It's not like Amy cares about it at all. But no, she won't trade with me.
Zoidberg: A rat!
Leela: Yes! She is a rat!
Zoidberg: No! Look!
---
Hermes: You wanna see a picture of my boy?
Zoidberg: Sure. [Hermes shows him a photograph.] That's your penis!
Hermes: That's my boy!
---
Zoidberg: You're projecting an air of something.
[Zoidberg waves hid hand in front of his face.]
Season 6, Episode 18: The Tip of the Zoidberg
This is a Zoidberg-centric episode. Full script is here.
Season 6, Episode 19: Ghost in the Machines
~
Season 6, Episode 20: Neutopia
Zoidberg: [quickly] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! [with a normal speed] So what's the deal with airline food, hmm? They offer you two choices, but they're always outta one. Uh, by the way, we're outta both choices.
---
Big rock Alien: I am not familiar with this concept of gender. My species has only a single gender, known as nuchacho.
Zoidberg: Interesting. [furiously] Come on, men! Let's kill him!
---
Zoidberg: [angrily] Would one of you chicks change the thermostat?
---
Zoidberg: My gonopores! Look it up.
Season 6, Episode 21: Yo Leela Leela
Zoidberg: Look, friends! I accidentally learned to tap-dance!
[Zoidberg begins tap-dancing. Fry resumes playing "When the Saints Go Marching In" with his trombone.]
Season 6, Episode 22: Fry Am the Egg Man
Fry: FERTILE? What does that mean?
Zoidberg: It means it'll hatch into a tiny, little infant creature. Unless we cook it first. Hey, Leela! Hurry up with those scrambled infants!
Fry: What?! That's horrifying! Zoidberg, you're an in-Human monster.
Zoidberg: What are you? My driver's license?
---
Zoidberg: Yeah, come down off your round, white pulpit! You're just gonna eat that thing, anyway!
---
Fry: Look: I know 'e's ugly and kinda corrosive, but we can't murder someone just 'cause he's hideous an' annoying.
Amy: That's what we said about Zoidberg and look what that got us.
Zoidberg: Amy has a point.
Fry: Mr. Peppy's not like Zoidberg. He's my friend.
Zoidberg: Aw!
---
Professor Farnsworth: The bad news, everyone, is the beast reproduces asexually. A single bone vampire, left alone with some quiet music and some bone-vampire porn, could produce dozens of deadly offspring.
Zoidberg: That lucky bastard. I say kill it!
Fry: But it loves me! And I love it.
Zoidberg: Kill 'em both!
---
Zoidberg: We're not from around here. Hello!
---
Zoidberg: Fry, I know you're upset right now, but I hope you'll consider donating the body to science dinner.
---
Zoidberg: UNKNOWN! Hey. What's that bone-sucking sound?
Season 6, Episode 23: All the Presidents' Heads
Zoidberg: Hey, hey, LBJ. You wanna get drunk?
Lyndon Johnson's head: Oh, hell, yeah. [Zoidberg begins drinking the water in Lyndon Johnson's jar.] Whoa!
Professor Farnsworth: Zoidberg, no! [Professor Farnsworth and Amy run towards Zoidberg.] The effects of jar juice aren't fully understood!
[Professor Farnsworth and Amy separate Zoidberg and Lyndon Johnson's head. Amy puts Lyndon Johnson's jar on top of another jar.]
Zoidberg: Uh... Not bad. A hint of vitalis and—
[Zoidberg screams. Zoidberg's eyes turns to plasma, but go back to normal in a moment. However, a plasma sphere has appeared in his chest. The plasma sphere becomes larger, consuming him, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy whole, becomes brighter, dazzling Leela and Bender, and disappears.]
---
Zoidberg: Right on! Say, you got any real soup or just this schlock?
---
Zoidberg: Far out! That head gave me a total head trip!
[Zoidberg puts his left claw on his head.]
---
Zoidberg: Fuh! Schlock and more schlock!
Season 6, Episode 24: Cold Warriors
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. I think I'm getting swollen glands.
[Zoidberg's neck grows in size.]
---
Zoidberg: And hundreds of black hovercopters are coming to welcome us!
---
Zoidberg: They're flying Manhattan into the Sun! [Zoidberg turns to Fry and points at the Sun with his left claw.] They must've been outta piranhas.
Season 6, Episode 25: Overclockwise
Bender: I'm processin' so fast, it's like I can anticipate that the ceilin' fan's gonna fall an' knock Zoidberg unconscious.
Zoidberg: Wrong, Mr. Genius.
---
Zoidberg: I hear turkey. Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop— Oh, boy. Ay... Ay. Ay.
Bender: Ten more processors for me. Once I install these, I'll have access to the loftiest realms o' thought!
Zoidberg: Anyone have access to a lofty realm of gravy?
---
Zoidberg: [off camera] Wait! [on camera] I've got it! This building's technically in the theatre district. If we could mount one big musical featuring everyone's talents, we might just save Planet Express!
Nibbler: We'll call it Nibbler on the Roof!
Fry: Alright!
Zoidberg: Hooray!
---
Fry: No, 'e wouldn't. Bender doesn't care about us anymore.
Zoidberg: Someone used to care about me?! Hooray!
---
Nibbler: [sad] We've had some tough times, [happy] but at least we won a Tony!
Zoidberg: You won a Tony. Feh!
Season 6, Episode 26: Reincarnation
(Non-canon)
Professor Farnsworth: The only question is, "Who should [off camera] be our spokesman?!"
Zoidberg: Me! Me! Choose Zoidberg.
Fry: Zoidberg, a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything.
Zoidberg: Hear my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard!
Cubert: [happy] Custard time?! [screaming] Hooray!
Zoidberg: Please! I am certain I will succeed with my delicate manner. Oops.
---
Zoidberg: Hear my words. I believe I, the most humble member of Action Delivery Team, could do such a dance!
Hermes: Surely, your heart shell is too rigid! I call on anyone but you to do the peace dance!
Zoidberg: [sad] Aw.
---
Zoidberg: The shame is too great. It's time to end this! Huh-yah! Feh!
Leela: [off camera] Zoidberg, [on camera] stop! We are too scared right now to enjoy the ceremony of your death!
Zoidberg: No hara-kiri today, but heiwa no dansu! The gelatinous dance of peace!
Hermes: You may be gelatinous, but not even the Mochi Phanton could perform such intricate motions!
Zoidberg: Says you, salaryman!
[Cut to.]
Subtitle: What is the medical crab doing?
[Cut to.]
Zoidberg: Behold! The dance of peace!
Bender: The dance is so complex! The eye can barely follow it!
Zoidberg: I may be the humblest Team member, but I have given it my all.
---
Professor Farnsworth: Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero. You saved us all.
Zoidberg: For now. But another threat from the stars is sure to arise next week at the same time!
Season 7
Season 7, Episode 1: The Bots and the Bees
[Scene: Trashcan. Zoidberg pops out and sees the signal.]
Zoidberg: To the employment cave!
[Zoidberg struggles to get out of the can, but ends up rolling away. The camera pans up to Hermes' house.]
---
[At first, the crew is confused by this announcement, but they suddenly cheer and run toward the machine. Zoidberg kneels down before it.]
Zoidberg: You undersold it, Professor!
---
Bev: Hang on, dumplin'. My milk's comin' in.
[Close-up on Bev's buttons and suddenly a milk button appears between the Slurm Loco and Slurm buttons. The baby pushes the milk button and a hose appears from Bev and into the baby's mouth, who is satisfied.]
Zoidberg: Uch! In public?!
Season 7, Episode 2: A Farewell to Arms
Zoidberg: Fry, my friend, I found your pants! [Fry happily takes the pants and puts them on.] And no sign of that crafty badger!
---
Zoidberg: A giant pyramid under New New York? What badger could have built this?
---
Leela: Fry, stop trying to do things for me! [She puts her hands onto Fry's.] Whatever time we have left, just live it with me. So...you wanna join the balcony club?
[Fry starts smiling. Zoidberg walks in on the two of them.]
Zoidberg: The balcony club? I have an individual membership!
Fry: Zoidberg, get lost!
Zoidberg: I am lost! So long.
---
Amy: I translated more Martian symbols! There's a way off this planet! That underground pyramid isn't a pyramid– [Cut to: Another area. The background turns grey.] It's a rocketship!
[The camera zooms out, revealing that they are underground outside the pyramid-like rocketship. Several bulldozers circle around it.]
Zoidberg: It was worth waiting five hours to hear you finish that sentence.
---
Fry: A-ah-uh-uh! A magician never reveals his secrets. Except the Great Reveal-o!
Zoidberg: That guy stinks.
---
Zoidberg: [He approaches Leela.] Don't worry, Leela! Earth is still there. Peaceful and serene as ever.
Season 7, Episode 3: Decision 3012
Zoidberg: He may not be perfect, but do we really want some unknown new guy? I'll stick with the evil maniac I know, thank you.
Season 7, Episode 4: The Thief of Baghead
